Need editor for romance story in female 1st person

[cocput]

EDITED. I am non-native English speaker, looking for an editor(pref women) to help me in a romance story.

I will need editorial support. The story is in female perspective, and I don't want to make a blunder only because I didn't get some behavioral nuances right.

EDITTED: The length of the story is a bit over 22,000 words.

I am known to have issues with grammar, though now my problem is limited to minor confusions. Spelling and punctuation should be okay.

I believe that story is more important than anything else. I do not reign in my characters, I don't know how to do it. I don't want my limitations as an author affect the story.

In this story, I am attempting the following things:

1. First person Female POV: I have written the part here, but I need a second person to verify that the overall picture is consistent. I don't want to irk a reader, simply because she doesn't relate with Mia.
   
2. Internal dialogue of other person in fp pov: I have to reflect Mia's interpretation of Hans's thoughts, during the conversation.
   
3. Timeline: Journal format. I need a second eye to guarantee consistency of timeline. I may end up messing with tenses here.

Expected turn around Time: Fast.

I am looking for a frank and open-minded editor. I would be extremely grateful to you if you could help me with the story.

 

[cocput]

Story outline and Excerpt

Outline:
The story is told by Mia Schmidt. Mia and Hans Keufer are childhood friends. Due to the confusion of the age, they were unable to express their true feeling to one another. After they eventually separated, Mia went through one more relationship. But on the day of her marriage with Charles, she realizes that the only man that she could ever be with is Hans. She ran away from the marriage, leading to a fight with her parents and brother. Mia has serious health issues, which I am trying to blame on lack of self-care. She meets Hans in the restaurant in which she works. They eventually re-establish their close bond. They decide to share an apartment. Hans makes her accept to continue her studies. Mia helps Hans take care of his ailing mother. Mia's entire life had revolved around on pleasing Hans. She believes that he wants a bustier woman, and attempts to go for a breast augmentation surgery. But Hans stops her. Events lead finally to them accepting to be closer than just friends. Hans had worries of premature ejaculation, that happens only with Mia. Eventually they get married and live happily for ever.

There are two types of internal dialogue, one in plain text, and there is the one in italics. I think I need some advice to ensure that there is no ambiguity.

The first three paras of the story in shown below:
==========================================

Quit Pleasing​

Everyone wants to please others. It may be parents, a boyfriend or a girlfriend, a peer, or a colleague. All of our actions are always intended to please someone else, to get approval of others. In my life, it was my brother, my mom, and some of my friends; but mostly, it was Hans. No....Who am I trying to fool? It was Hans, it is Hans and it will always be Hans.

Many people talk about the first time they met their love. When did I actually meet Hans? I don’t really remember it. I was only three at that time. My mom used to tell me that when we were kids, it was always Mia and Hans, never Mia alone or Hans alone, who used to be seen everywhere. We were so inseparable that my Mom used to say that I would be his wife when I grew up. If I was that Mia, I would have married him the day our church would let us marry. Okay, I accept. I fucked up. Not a single day goes by without me thinking of how I messed up my chance. Where is that fucking time machine when you need it?

Here I was, juggling two jobs, struggling to make sense of my life again. Not exactly two jobs. I work in this restaurant daily. The other one in the garments shop is there only for the weekends. I wish I had finished my studies. Enough of rambling. It’s Friday and I need to move my ass, or else I will be late for my only steady job.

*****​

There is nothing like a busy day. At least I won't end up thinking of Hans and my fucked up life till I get back home.

I wouldn’t have looked at Penny’s table, if I hadn’t heard that familiar sound. Two construction workers were sitting there, munching a meagre dinner. I thought that I heard Hans’ voice. Get a grip girl. Why would Hans come to this restaurant? I moved to the kitchen to take the next set of servings back to my tables.

 

[cocput]

Crossed the 10k mark.

Can anyone give me references for a story with pre-mature/fast ejaculation, and still the woman doesn't complain? I have read only one story in which the guy comes too fast in the mouth, and it was claimed as the first time, but for the second round he becomes a stud lasting half an hour.

I am trying to add a lot more realism here.

 

[Derroreaper]

Howdy,

I think you should do some research on premature ejaculation. If it only happens with one girl, odds are good it will fix it self in a very short while. (Caused by being over excited, maybe feeling its too good to be true) I assume that's Hans' reason for his problem, since it only happens with her.

Now, I get the impression they are adults and have no reason to feel rushed in the bedroom, and logic says if he's that excited about her, it wouldn't take much for there to be a round two. Which is why so many stories have that scenario in them.

As far as the internal narration, it doesn't really work for me, it just added confusion. I'd use third person narration and tell more about what they both think, but that's just me.

Derro-

 

[cocput]

I think you read the way the plot moves correctly, with regards to Hans' issue.

Howdy,
As far as the internal narration, it doesn't really work for me, it just added confusion. I'd use third person narration and tell more about what they both think, but that's just me.

Was this comment a general one, or specific to the example above. I am using the dual conversation trick three times only. The rest of the times, it is just for a one off thing with tags.

--scorpio

 

[Derroreaper]

I just feel like the dialog wasn't written like two people that grew up together would talk. I get the impression you wrote the spoken dialog with the internal dialog being the part you paid all the attention to.

You admit English isn't your first language, and little things like the sentence “Fridays are busy. I work here during weekdays.” makes me pause because we don't speak that way. I would say, "I work here during the week, and Fridays are the busiest day of the week."

Adding the internal thought, just makes it even harder for me to follow along. If as the reader, I have to worry I'm missing something, I'm not going to be pulled in past the words, and into the emotions you're trying to present.

I hope somehow that makes sense?

 

[cocput]

I just feel like the dialog wasn't written like two people that grew up together would talk. I get the impression you wrote the spoken dialog with the internal dialog being the part you paid all the attention to.

You admit English isn't your first language, and.... we don't speak that way.

Yes, I will have to go back to the dialogues once more. I was more worried about the mental dialogue than the spoken words in both instances. Initially, I wanted to keep the spoken words less, and the part where the reader goes through the unspoken words more. To engage the reader better, there should have been a few more tags.

Dialogue is something I am still learning to write. Some things that work in my native tongue may look very unnatural to a native English speaker, like the example you mentioned. I will be going back for dialogue consistency as part of my first read. That's the main place where I need the support of an editor(need not be female).

I am yet to write the part where I describe Mia's body and her insecurity about having an average body. I have already written the childhood emotions of the young Mia as she learns about her feelings. These are the two aspects where I specifically need the support of a female editor.

I have crossed the 14k mark. I am mostly stuck in places where I believe that I don't have enough first-hand knowledge to write convincingly. I expect to finish the first round by tomorrow.

--scorpio

 

[cocput]

Crossed 17k mark. Successfully finished the pre-mature ejaculation, very fast ejaculation and early ejaculation scene. Also added a scene to reinforce that this was a mental block.
Thanks Derro, for your inputs.

Can you give me references to a story written in diary/journal format?

I don't know how to do it. And, I don't want the story to suffer due to my ignorance.

--scorpio

 

[cocput]

The story is completely written. It's now a little over 22k words.

The rest of the problems can only be fixed with the help of an editor.

Please help me.

 

[cocput]

Story is rewritten as a journal. I have corrected as much as I can.

I desperately need an editor to fix the story.

--scorpio

 

[cocput]

Please help me at least in copy-editing.