Need editor for a high fantasy story

[R_Percival_Shackleford]

its almost 12,000 words, and nothing really titillating happens until near the end... but, it is hopefully the first in a series, and there will be plenty more sex later. ive proofread and edited it myself, but what i really need is a second opinion of sorts.

i am a complete amateur, though i did get a fair amount of praise from my english professor before realising what a waste of time and money college was. i would hope my writing exceeds the "it was a dark and stormy night" level, but that will be for you to judge.

here is what i need: as i have this whole story floating around in my head, i am sure that there are plenty of things that make perfect sense to me but will leave an uninitiated audience dumbfounded. i would like help with structure, characters and the like. do i have too much exposition, can i make it less of a laundry list, do you have no flipping clue whats going on at a certain part, does my prose make lok'tar the caveman look like shakespeare.... you get the idea.

so, anyone who is interested (and who doesnt plan on leaving me hanging with no response for 2 weeks like my last editor...), give me a PM, or respond in the thread, or send a carrier pidgeon, or whatever other means of communication you like

 

[JackLuis]

I have found myself in the same boat, editorially.
I sent chapters out to two VEs, One begged off as he just got a new job and the other said she needed a new laptop, then came back and said, "Tomorrow, I'll send the edit", (a month ago,) and has dropped off the face of the earth.

I sent out one chapter to a third VE and haven't even got a confirmation of receipt after three days?

How "High" is this fantasy of yours?

I'll read yours if you read mine.

I've got three chapters of my Horner Springs story ready to publish, but need confirmation.

I have a lot of respect for our VE's. I was helped by a few, but at this moment we authors need to join together, to advance the state of our art.

Here is a story about a VE.

 

[sr71plt]

I'll read yours if you read mine.

I think that's probably about the best approach to posting to Lit. The honesty of being just another pair of eyes--which covers most of the need here.

 

[R_Percival_Shackleford]

I have found myself in the same boat, editorially.
I sent chapters out to two VEs, One begged off as he just got a new job and the other said she needed a new laptop, then came back and said, "Tomorrow, I'll send the edit", (a month ago,) and has dropped off the face of the earth.

I sent out one chapter to a third VE and haven't even got a confirmation of receipt after three days?

How "High" is this fantasy of yours?

I'll read yours if you read mine.

I've got three chapters of my Horner Springs story ready to publish, but need confirmation.

I have a lot of respect for our VE's. I was helped by a few, but at this moment we authors need to join together, to advance the state of our art.

Here is a story about a VE.

i dont know about my editorial skills, but i am just the kind of unemployed loser with no social life that has all the time in the world and more to read your stories, so i think that arrangement will do fine. gives me something to do while waiting

as for my story, it is mostly about an adventurer and an orphan girl he semi-raised growing attached to each other. as awful as the cliche is... i had to make him a vampire, to establish a point of trust between them and to put a few interesting quirks into the erotic elements.

its not really conan vs the balrog or the armies of the world against cuthulhu's minions with sex squeezed in somewhere if that is what you are asking. it takes place in an elven city (at least the first and only part of the story i have done does), but these elves are more like just an exotic culture, not really the traditional magical hippies: it is more of an indian slum than anything. there is magic, though not involved in the sex because no one can really relate to that experience in any way.

if you are still interested, send me a PM so we can properly set up this exchange.

 

[JackLuis]

PM sent.
My own story is about a Veteran coming to a new town and finding his place in the community. Actually it's about three men in one town and how they arrive at a comfortable and satisfying resolution to the question , How many women can you fuck in one life?

 

[Etaski]

as for my story, it is mostly about an adventurer and an orphan girl he semi-raised growing attached to each other. as awful as the cliche is... i had to make him a vampire, to establish a point of trust between them and to put a few interesting quirks into the erotic elements.

*double take* A vampire adventurer...?

That's actually not cliche because it's highly impractical in any D&D (or high fantasy) setting. The purpose of an adventurer's "career" is that he/she won't know where they end up and they can take on quests, both personal and mercenary.

That can be immensely dangerous to someone who is easily injured/destroyed by sunlight. Most vampires I've read about are very deliberate about that--and if you think about it, it makes them highly restricted as to who they might do business with, only at night or in deep shadow, it makes it most plausible and have the most opportunities in a large city not out in the wilderness (and just why wouldn't they see those business contacts as food anyway? What would they get out of an adventuring life?)

Nope. Vampire adventurer does not compute for me.

Maybe you mean a different definition of "adventurer"...?

If you mean the cliche is that he somehow has to be a vampire to create erotic tension between him and a girl....well...yes, that's been done to death lately. *twitch* I say there are plenty of other ways to create trust and tension between an adventurer and an orphan than to make him a vampire.

its not really conan vs the balrog or the armies of the world against cuthulhu's minions with sex squeezed in somewhere if that is what you are asking.

The Elder Gods laugh at your puny armies.

it takes place in an elven city (at least the first and only part of the story i have done does), but these elves are more like just an exotic culture, not really the traditional magical hippies: it is more of an indian slum than anything.

Now that's a fairly original idea.

there is magic, though not involved in the sex because no one can really relate to that experience in any way..

Not even mild magic? Too bad. I would debate that "no one" can really relate to that experience; your audience is supposed to "love the lavishly ludicrous," remember? (To borrow a phrase from Linkara). It all depends on how well a writer can describe and integrate any "magic" into a sexual scene.

 

[Etaski]

Ah, just fyi, my husband brought up 2 "vampire-ish adventurers" that do exist in stories, and he's right, but this is because they're only half-vampire: the major thing is they can walk in sunlight.

Vampire Hunter D

&

Blade


You could legitimately call those "vampire-ish adventurers" and they're both on personal quests to destroy all vampires... Although they're also in touches of cyberpunk rather than high fantasy...hmmm...

 

[R_Percival_Shackleford]

Maybe you mean a different definition of "adventurer"...?

My idea of a vampire (in this kind of setting) is someone who lives in a cave or something because normal human life would not work for them. i think it works because both adventurers and vampires live in general solitude and spend most of their time away from civilization. he does not take on quests and rescue farmers daughters from cave trolls more than he just kills bandits and steals their already stolen goods or loots dead travelers. adventurer might be the wrong term: adventure-minded looter would be a more accurate description .still, if you have any thoughts on that id love to hear them.

the vamp+sun= spontaneous combustion idea only started with nosferatu, the silent movie in the 20s or thereabouts. usually daylight just weakens/mildly annoys vampires in older fiction. when your vampires have night-vision, nighttime adventuring isnt a problem anyway.

i mostly just mean the cliche of vampires being inherently sensual creatures. ann rice had all that homoerotic tension in her stories and now the world is flooded with the image of vampires as some kind of sex god.

i might have some magic, seeing as someone does apparently think it can work. we'll just have to see how the first chapters pan out to know if i have the skill to write that.

 

[Etaski]

Hmm.... so you're going with a non-cliche (older, not current) view of vampires during a time when vampires are popular being sparkly in sunlight...yet also admitting that it's cliche to make the male a loner vampire simply because he's sensual and "showing trust" by not hurting the orphan girl he is attracted to, but still doing it anyway....

Well. Good luck. I do hope you're a good enough writer to convey that. You've posed quite a challenge for yourself.

I just wouldn't call him an adventurer. That has a whole mass of connotation attached to it that will only confuse your readers (as it did me).

If he lives in a cave...hell, call him an exile or a hermit. Adventurer implies he has contact with people on a regular basis and travels far and wide from home.

If he kills bandits and steals from them to make his living, maybe that would be a highwayman who preys on highwaymen. (I see a weird little Robin Hood meets Batman story in that one....) Or a hyena, scavenger, boogieman... (probably what he's called by those who he steals from).

As for magic in a sex scene, do whatever you want on that. I was just saying it has been done (I've done it, no complaints) and some people *can* relate to it, so I was pointing out that it was a fallacy to say that "no one" can. That's all. However, if it's not for you and has no interest to you or your story, don't do it. It'll be entirely unnecessary.

 

[Etaski]

the vamp+sun= spontaneous combustion idea only started with nosferatu, the silent movie in the 20s or thereabouts. usually daylight just weakens/mildly annoys vampires in older fiction. when your vampires have night-vision, nighttime adventuring isnt a problem anyway.

Uh-oh...this just came back to me.

That "weakened/mildly annoyed" part of an older version of a vampire? That was what we know today as zombies. That's actually where the vampire came from: a flesh and blood eating ghoul. Not sensual at all but very monstrous, rotting, disgusting.

Mixing all the different mythos together (sensual, weakened by sunlight, not monstrous, not a flesh-eater)...like I said, you'd better make no assumptions about what your reader knows and you'd better be pretty damned explicit in your story about this particular vampire.

 

[R_Percival_Shackleford]

Uh-oh...this just came back to me.

That "weakened/mildly annoyed" part of an older version of a vampire? That was what we know today as zombies. That's actually where the vampire came from: a flesh and blood eating ghoul. Not sensual at all but very monstrous, rotting, disgusting.

Mixing all the different mythos together (sensual, weakened by sunlight, not monstrous, not a flesh-eater)...like I said, you'd better make no assumptions about what your reader knows and you'd better be pretty damned explicit in your story about this particular vampire.

you know, think about it, a vampire is sounding more and more like a bad idea. you have convinced me to drop that; it would be much easier on me and clearer to the reader if i work without that element.

this is why i am sitting on the story, trying to get input on it before uploading; i dont want to start writing a big-ass series only to find that on chapter 9 i have way too much weird shit going on for the reader to follow .

 

[Etaski]

Well, when you look at it that way...you might thank yourself later.

*clears throat* I admit now I'm more curious about your looting adventurer and how you'll remake him. Maybe post back here when you've submitted?

 

[R_Percival_Shackleford]

Well, when you look at it that way...you might thank yourself later.

*clears throat* I admit now I'm more curious about your looting adventurer and how you'll remake him. Maybe post back here when you've submitted?

ill probably start a new thread in story feedback or something. it might be awhile, as ill probably only submit once i have another chapter or two in waiting.

 

[Khasy]

I'd be willing to give a second-opinion, just send a PM and we can exchange information.

I'll not proof-read it, but if something sticks out while reading it, I will comment on it.

I see that you're currently considering changing the story, and I have to agree with that decision, what Etaski said made good sense. You could have made it work, but I think it would be limiting.