Need Constructive Feedback

[clownprince2008]

Just some background first. This was a short little celeb story I wrote concerning Natalie Portman. Before you dismiss it, I just want some feedback on my general writing skill and not necessarily on my skill writing celebrity stories. I'm aware that it's not exactly a favourite genre around here.

But many Star Wars references aside, I think it works well as a story. Any specific criticism relating to how I wrote the sex would also help.

Here's the link:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=421754


Thanks in advance.

 

[Mandala40]

The first sentence did not attract my attention. The first paragraph did not make me want to keep reading. After reading about one hundred words, I did not feel like reading any more. I copied your first part to Microsoft Word, and counted six misspelled words.

On top of all that, I know nothing of Natalie Portman.

 

[clownprince2008]

I copied your first part to Microsoft Word, and counted six misspelled words.

Six?! I don't want to sound like I'm getting confrontational but how the hell did you get six? I use the Australian dictionary on Word and it's all correct. Hell, I use the US dictionary and only "organise" and "Portman" was incorrect. Even then one is a name and the other IS actually spelt correctly in Australia.

I'm sure there are a shit-tonne of other spelling errors in the rest of the story but I think the first paragraph is fine.

 

[Guest]

The first sentence did not attract my attention. The first paragraph did not make me want to keep reading. After reading about one hundred words, I did not feel like reading any more. I copied your first part to Microsoft Word, and counted six misspelled words.

On top of all that, I know nothing of Natalie Portman.

Okay. Misspelled words in part one:


-focussed (typo, focused)
-swivelled (typo, swiveled)
-longue (lounge)
-realised, harbour (these are common US/UK mixes, no big deal)

So, really, there aren't many misspelled words. I read all of part one. not a fan of the genre. but your writing was fine. There was nothing wrong with it from a readers point of view. Actually, I would read more by you.

 

[clownprince2008]

Oh, in the "first part". Sorry, I misread that as paragraph. In that case, fair enough.

But thanks. I was a bit concerned that my writing may have been a bit too dialogue oriented.

I'll be the first to admit the story is a bit self indulgent as celeb stories often tend to be. This was only suppose to be a very short story but quickly blew out to about 8000 words.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Mandala, the first sentence is not a sentence since it has no verb. That asside, the stroy is worn out and disinteresting. Had this been writting in 1985 it would have worked, but Star Wars has long since run it's course.

This writer would do better to come up with his own ideas rather than ride on the back of something that was done and done and done again.