Need Advice

[Sar9876]

(also posted in "A Strange Request" in the Personals section)


Hi all --

I can't quite believe I'm writing this, as I've never talked about these desires with anyone other than a boyfriend before.

But I need advice, so here goes.

I've very much been enjoying this board, as I enjoy some degree of "being bad" myself, tho it's never gone as far as described in the stories in many places here.

However, I have a problem. Both when being bad in a fantasy and masturbating, and when being bad with a partner, I end up unhappy. I *love* it in the moment -- but then once I've cum I feel gross, dirty, guilty, etc.. I guess this isn't just limited to being bad -- it used to happen from sex in general. I worked on that a lot with my last boyfriend, and really grew to appreciate and enjoy sex, and not feel guilty afterwards. Then things took a very nasty turn with him, and sex started being used as a ploy, as a weapon, and all the work we'd done kind of eroded.

Sorry if this is too serious for this board -- it just seems like I have so much in common with the people posting here, and I was hoping that some of you might have some advice for how I can enjoy everything as much as I do during, and enjoy it as much as you all still do after the experience is over.

Thank you...

Sar

(ps -- PMs are fine, or posting here...)

 

[Evaleastaristev]

The only advice I can give you is advice I gave myself a while ago. I've had some pretty bad sexual experiences, and there are things that will cause me to feel gross and used in a bad way. These are things that I have promised myself that I will work on.

Trust is a huge thing when it comes to dealing with issues like that. REally the only advice I can give you, without being able to tell if this stems from anything you've experienced, or some sort of mental block that developed during childhood, is to find someone you trust, be it a Dom or otherwise, and work on it slowly. Perhaps after you cum, having your partner compliment you, say nice things...that sort of thing. It'll take lots of work, but obviously it can be done. Definately start with working on the feelings after vanilla sex first, as those would be a good starting point for the rest of it.

I hope that my advice helps, even if only a little. I'd like to see you making the same sort of progress I am.

 

[esclave_PP]

Trust is big, plus look at the current situation and not look back to the one that grossed you out.

I am a survivor of incest and believe me, if I wallowed in the past I would not be able to be whom I am.

Be and live in the moment. Best way to be. We can always learn from our past but it is important to move forward.

Hugs and loves
Be well and good luck!

 

[A Desert Rose]

(also posted in "A Strange Request" in the Personals section)


Hi all --

I can't quite believe I'm writing this, as I've never talked about these desires with anyone other than a boyfriend before.

But I need advice, so here goes.

I've very much been enjoying this board, as I enjoy some degree of "being bad" myself, tho it's never gone as far as described in the stories in many places here.

However, I have a problem. Both when being bad in a fantasy and masturbating, and when being bad with a partner, I end up unhappy. I *love* it in the moment -- but then once I've cum I feel gross, dirty, guilty, etc.. I guess this isn't just limited to being bad -- it used to happen from sex in general. I worked on that a lot with my last boyfriend, and really grew to appreciate and enjoy sex, and not feel guilty afterwards. Then things took a very nasty turn with him, and sex started being used as a ploy, as a weapon, and all the work we'd done kind of eroded.

Sorry if this is too serious for this board -- it just seems like I have so much in common with the people posting here, and I was hoping that some of you might have some advice for how I can enjoy everything as much as I do during, and enjoy it as much as you all still do after the experience is over.

Thank you...

Sar

(ps -- PMs are fine, or posting here...)

Too serious for this board? You've got to be kidding. LOL
This will be eatten up, spit out and regurgitated, by the masses.

And when I'm not so tired, maybe I can post something intelligent.

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

Sit down and look at yourself.. look at why you are grossed out.. When I first begun to realize what I desired in the bedroom I was.. repulsed with myself.. thougths of not being normal.. of being ashamed... of.. well falling into childhood labels like "tramp" and "slut" and the ever popular "whore" held me back from being happy. It just got me so upset one night I had to just sit there and well pick teh ever liveing hell out of it to see why I responded in such a way.. and once I understood my own.. moral outrage.. I decided to Push that aside and allow myself to enjoy it.. one step at a time.. and I'm still takeing steps.. Since then sex has only gotten better and better for me... I was one who only had sex because my partner wanted it.. not I... Now well.. The poor dear can't keep my hands off of him.

And I am glad I decided to explore my enjoyments.. and not settle for what my sex-life was. It's given me so much more back then just confidance in the sack to enjoy myself..

 

[Technodivinitas]

Do you practice BDsM of any sort with your current partner? If not, has he (she) expressed any interest at all in alternative bedroom-play? If either of the above is true, then I'd say that you're in luck, because you should be able to discuss this matter with them, and directly ask them to help you work through this problem, possibly through roleplay or posative reinforcement. I've had issues with thinking that my desires made me a "slut" or a "whore", but instead of trying to make that go away, my Master instead plays upon it, and makes it not only acceptable, but desireable for me to be exactly that, for him.

I also advise that you continue to read here, and in the cafe, and to post your feelings as well. You'll find that there are many here who actually enjoy, and even wallow in, the very "bad" feelings you've described, under more controlled conditions. (I certainly do!) So if you can't bring yourself to abandon the negative associations, perhaps you can learn to enjoy them, or to turn them to work in your favor.

 

[fallon2]

This morning

a close friend finally shared with me an interest that she had at one time.

It was very difficult for her to share (when it didn't have to be) and one of the VERY few times I have been truly irritated with her.
But I nver thought she was a "freak" or "mental" far from it.

The point is to reach out and share those feelings and I truly believe that when you do you can "enjoy" more and not feel guilt, but rather, enjoyment.

 

[Sar9876]

Hi all,

Just wanted to say thanks for the posts here and the many PMs.

Also wanted to say, which I forgot to mention before, that I don't get a chance to say on very frequently, so I'm sorry if I'm slow writing back, but even if I'm slow I definitely appreciate all responses.

Sar

 

[barcaboy]

In a phrase - let go. It doesn't have to be like that.

 

[Betticus]

It sounds like a trust issue to me with the limited information that you posted. The internet is anonymous girl. You can post the details if you want.

So you had problems with sex from before where you felt dirty after sex. During sex you could enjoy it but you had feelings of guilt after the orgasm was over. Your boyfriend got you through a lot of that and that means that he had gained your trust and confidence but he then destroyed that trust by using your own weakness against you. Then sex felt dirty again.

I can only think of a few things. Childhood or really any kind of sexual abuse. You have some severely kinky fantasies that you get off on and feel bad about after the heat of the moment has faded. You were brainwashed by a church.

Oh yeah, the personals might just turn out to be another chat room. I wouldn't waste time in there.

Anyway, you will have to take yourself way back to the beginning to the first time this happened and try to remember what made you feel dirty. You associate sex with something you can't reconcile in your mind. You need to find out what that thing or combination of things is before you can work on fixing it. No amount of trust and understanding from a sexual partner will be able to replace reconciling the root cause of this problem. A good partner can help a lot with your current reactions but not the cause. You have to do that.

I would have to recommend that if it is possible for you to seek professional counseling. They should be able to help you to locate where it all stems from. As far as dealing with it, a counselor or psychologist may not be as good if you are wanting or attracted to the BDSM lifestyle. You did say that in a way we were your people.

You can find a Dom/me here that could help but you have to understand that they will have to get deep into your head and your personal life. The things you keep hidden. You might not be willing to do that. It's up to you.

Good luck with it. If you want more feedback from me feel free to send me a PM. You just have to be willing to answer questions completely and honestly.

 

[Arles]

As others have said, it's probably not wise to try to give advice to you on the basis of such limited information. There could be any number of reasons why you feel such guilt or shame. However, it may help to know that such feelings are common. Our culture perpetuates attitudes toward sex that are designed to induce toxic shame and guilt in all of us--like the rest of us, you probably had a life-long education (whether you realized it or not) in learning that pleasure is okay, so long as you feel really bad about it afterwards.

Un-learning all that, deprogramming yourself from that kind of brainwashing, isn't easy or quick.

 

[snowy ciara]

Don't keel over from the shock, but I'm going to attempt to be the voice of reason here.. And be reasonably on topic here..

Betticus gave really good advice when he suggested that you may want to seek counseling. Now, do you feel that your kink is "wrong" and it's the kink itself you wish to be cured of? Or is it the post play reaction that bothers you? Most professionals know that if the kink isn't causing serious emotional anguish and not nonconsually harming someone, then it's cool, but there are some who think bdsm and D/s are wrong. If you're looking for someone fairly non judgemental who isn't gonna try to "cure" you of these unnatural desires, you might wanna go here first to look for a mental health professional..

the KAP list

Someone told me that the list hasn't been updated much lately, but my brother was able to find some help there.