need advice from subs

[211kitten666]

Ok I've just found my DOM I left it alone over 13 yrs ago because I was seriosly fucked up by my 1st one I found him by mistake and crave it all over again only I have trouble letting go no matter how much I like it..and I feel a little stupid cuz I have almost no clue what im doing when it comes 2 BDSM...any advice out there?

 

[SweetErika]

Have you figured out where your previous relationship went wrong, worked on your issues and come up with ways to keep the same things(s) from happening again?

Without knowing more, it's hard to give you anything but really general advice like that, but perhaps it'll help you move in the right direction. I'd encourage you to share more about your history/past relationship and other things if you're comfortable doing so, since most here have had all sorts of relationships and can often provide some really valuable insights.

In what areas are you having trouble letting go?

Also, how long have you known this new Dom? Is it an online or in-person relationship? Is it possible that you have unreasonable expectations of yourself in the area of letting go, given the length and/or type of relationship? I certainly don't expect myself to trust people on deeper levels unless/until we've spent plenty of time together and their actions show me they're worthy of my trust. And dom, sub, switch of vanilla, I'm not sure how reasonable it is to start a relationship expecting blind trust or to flat-out trust someone.

Have you talked about your concerns with your Dom?

Finally, regarding your knowledge of BDSM, have you researched, asked questions and even sought support in your local community? We have a great community here in the BDSM forums, there's a wealth on info on just about every topic here and elsewhere online and in books, and it should be relatively easy to find local community groups and events via Google.

I'd strongly suggest increasing your knowledge base prior to getting deeper into your current--or any--relationship, especially since you've had bad experiences in the past and are having trust issues currently.

Perhaps your best bet would be taking a step back or slowing your current relationship WAY down until you get a better handle on where you are and need to be to have a healthy, satisfying D/s relationship. If you push things to the back burner, you will likely end up in another bad situation, and I'm sure you deserve better than that!

 

[211kitten666]

Ok I see ur concern we started as a triangle I left my husband last oct cuz he was into drugs and we have a son my friend was curios and wanted me to join her relationship they'd been 2gether about 5 mos we all spent 5 more mos 2gether towards the end of that 5mos we started to discover that we were both suppressing ourselves cuz she wasn't into it and was very judgemental, some more things happened and I asked 2 break it off with her cuz of those things and he decided 2 stay with me all 3 of us lived 2gether b4 now its just us 4 about 4mos now I trust him he's very good 2 me I just can't seem to verbalize the way he needs me 2 I've tried and no matter how I feel about the topic I can't SAY what I need 2 is it any clearer? The time isn't a factor its me... idk....being able 2 speak

 

[CutieMouse]

Ok I see ur concern we started as a triangle I left my husband last oct cuz he was into drugs and we have a son my friend was curios and wanted me to join her relationship they'd been 2gether about 5 mos we all spent 5 more mos 2gether towards the end of that 5mos we started to discover that we were both suppressing ourselves cuz she wasn't into it and was very judgemental, some more things happened and I asked 2 break it off with her cuz of those things and he decided 2 stay with me all 3 of us lived 2gether b4 now its just us 4 about 4mos now I trust him he's very good 2 me I just can't seem to verbalize the way he needs me 2 I've tried and no matter how I feel about the topic I can't SAY what I need 2 is it any clearer? The time isn't a factor its me... idk....being able 2 speak

No, it isn't any clearer.

You left your husband last October because he was doing drugs. Y'all have a son together.

You have a friend who was curious about poly(?)/open relationships(?)/BDSM(?), and invited you to "join" them, even though they'd only been a couple for 5 months.

So the three of you were a triad for about 5 months, and two of you (yourself and one of the others - no clue who) felt like you were "suppressing yourselves" (in terms of BDSM?) because the third member of the triad wasn't "into it" (whatever "it" is) and was reacting judgmentally to "it".

The other things happened you didn't go into, you decided to leave the triad, but he decided he wanted you more, so now you and he have been a couple for about 4 months - without the third.

Now your problem is that you are having trouble expressing yourself/talking about whatever it is he's asking you to talk about? I have no clue if that means [general] communication problems, or he's expecting some degree of protocol that you're having trouble with, or what.

Standard answer -

Relationships are relationships - kinky or not.
Learn to communicate.
Make sure you're on the same page re: what "BDSM" means to each of you.
Work towards that common goal - if there is one.

 

[211kitten666]

Ok I see ur concern we started as a triangle I left my husband last oct cuz he was into drugs and we have a son my friend was curios and wanted me to join her relationship they'd been 2gether about 5 mos we all spent 5 more mos 2gether towards the end of that 5mos we started to discover that we were both suppressing ourselves cuz she wasn't into it and was very judgemental, some more things happened and I asked 2 break it off with her cuz of those things and he decided 2 stay with me all 3 of us lived 2gether b4 now its just us 4 about 4mos now I trust him he's very good 2 me I just can't seem to verbalize the way he needs me 2 I've tried and no matter how I feel about the topic I can't SAY what I need 2 is it any clearer? The time isn't a factor its me... idk....being able 2 speak

 

[phelon]

well for my 2 cents..\
if the problem is your not able to 'look him in the eye' about what you want, then perhaps you should try writing it down.

that lets you take your time, so you can work out in your head, edit, add, edit more etc... so you can then hand him something that makes sense at least to you....

other than that.. counseling for communication is a good step.
otherwise, your likely to find yourself having issues sooner or later from not communicating.

as for asking your question on here... may i recommend, slowing down, writing things out in full English, and with lots of description. one its practice, and two, we can always discard too much information, but if you ask something, and we don;t have enough, its hard to give accurate advice.

oh, and there is also a bdsm forum here on lit that my have topics that might help.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

as for asking your question on here... may i recommend, slowing down, writing things out in full English, and with lots of description. one its practice, and two, we can always discard too much information, but if you ask something, and we don;t have enough, its hard to give accurate advice.

What he said. It can be really hard to know if you've understood someone right when there are no periods or commas to work with. Easiest trick is read the text aloud. A pause without taking a breath requires a comma. A pause where you take a breath is where you'd put a period.

oh, and there is also a bdsm forum here on lit that my have topics that might help.

Yup. BDSM Talk may be able to help you but as we can only every comment based on the information you give, it would be a good idea to write a longer, more detailed first post. After all, we don't know you or any of the people you're talking about.

 

[211kitten666]

Ok. I see I've been writing like im texting. Thanks for letting me know why I wasn't being understood im going to gather my thoughts on it and try to get what I mean across.

 

[phelon]

Ok. I see I've been writing like im texting. Thanks for letting me know why I wasn't being understood im going to gather my thoughts on it and try to get what I mean across.

LOL, I kinda wondered, it sounded like when my sis txts me.... and then wonders when we talk why i am so lost about all her BF issues that she told me about by txt.....


i recommend the two step process....
write out what you think you want to say.... spell check it... save it as a text file...
wait at least 6 hours, and then reread and edit for word choice and ADD to it, try not to delete.. rewording is cool, but deletes are like bad things on tests.. usually your first choice is the more accurate and natural one... and polishing it or adding to make more clear is great, but removing stuff usually is a mistake.

 

[phelon]

Ok I see ur concern we started as a triangle I left my husband last oct cuz he was into drugs and we have a son my friend was curios and wanted me to join her relationship they'd been 2gether about 5 mos we all spent 5 more mos 2gether towards the end of that 5mos we started to discover that we were both suppressing ourselves cuz she wasn't into it and was very judgemental, some more things happened and I asked 2 break it off with her cuz of those things and he decided 2 stay with me all 3 of us lived 2gether b4 now its just us 4 about 4mos now I trust him he's very good 2 me I just can't seem to verbalize the way he needs me 2 I've tried and no matter how I feel about the topic I can't SAY what I need 2 is it any clearer? The time isn't a factor its me... idk....being able 2 speak

OK for the challenge i am going to see if i can help translate this:
""""
Ok I see your concern we started as a triangle;
I left my husband last Oct, cause he was into drugs and we have a son. After i left him my friend(female) was curios and wanted me to join her relationship. they'd been together about 5 months before i joined in. Then we spent 5 more months together, towards the end of that 5months we started to discover that it wasn't working,
we were both suppressing ourselves cause she wasn't into it(sharing? females? and thats her issue with it, what was yours?) and was very difficult with arguments and disagreements ie. some more things happened and I asked to break it off with her(them?) because of those things(disagreements like her not wanting me) and he decided to stay with me.i left my husband the 3 of us lived together before, now its just us two for about 4 months. I trust him, he's very good to me, I just can't seem to verbalize the way he needs me to(verbalize? during sex? your needs? your wants? your fantasies? ). I've tried and no matter how I feel about the topic(submission? bondage? sex? desire?) I can't SAY what I need to.
is it any clearer? The time(how long it takes to learn to tell him or how long the sex lasts?) isn't a factor, its me... i don't know ....being able to speak

""""

now some of my () are comments, some questions, but maybe they will help everyone help you a bit...

productive insomnia.....