Need advice from either Dom or sub

[sub by desire]

I need advice. I met this Dom 8 weeks ago and we started to have a relationship that has been wonderful. We click so much with D/s and we both seem so happy when we are together. I was at his house tonight and he told me what had to talk. I kneeled in front of him and he began to speak. He told me that he has enjoyed the last 8 weeks with me and that I am such a rare submissive. He also told me that I am the type of sub that he has always be looking for. I thought to myself, ok... Then he tells me I have something I need to tell you and I am not sure how you are going to respond. I lowered my head and waited for him to continue. After eight weeks of engaging into a D/s relationship he tells me he is married, but, seperated from his spouse. I didn't know what to say. I was speechless. I asked permission to go to the bathroom which he granted and I was shaking all the way to the bathroom. I washed my face and I asked him permission to speak freely and he granted yes. I asked why he didn't tell me in the beginning. He told me he didn't know why. He put his fingers up to my mouth and told me to be quiet and told me not to speak, but, to listen to him speak for the next few minutes and take home the question that he is going to ask me and think about all that he has said and have an answer for him Thursday evening. The question he asked me is this: Will you be my sub knowing now that I am married and knowing that I may not get divorced? He went on to say that he will see me 2 days during the week and no weekends and I cannot call him or text message him on the weekends. He kissed me on the forehead and opened the door and told me he loved me and that he expects an answer Thursday evening at 7 p.m.

I need advice please.... I have never been in a situation like this before. I have never been with someone that is married/ and or seperated. I am numb inside and I don't know what to do. I have mixed emotions. Advice anyone?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'd say thanks, but no thanks. Do you need to put yourself through that emotional pain, be the tidbit for smeone while you are bound to have nothing more but what crumbs he throws your way when he wants? Are you sure you are the only one apart from his wife? What proof do you have of anything he tells you based on the fact he couldn't be hionest enough to tell you he was supposedly married in the beginning (is he really married?)? If he believes he might stay married and that he sees it as a possible problem, why is he looking around for a sub? The D/s relationship is very much based on trust.....if he can't tell you the truth from day one, nor his wife, do you have a secure base to trust him? What do you want from a relationship? What do you want for your future? Do you want a part time relationship, perhaps for the best years of your life to then be tossed aside with nothing and no-one when he considers you not young enough etc.? I think you need to give this a lot of thought and consider his motives, not just your emotions which I suspect is why he has waited so he could manipulate you into an emotionally vulnerable position which would see his selfish needs met at your expense. Good luck with it.

Catalina

 

[cinnamonstick]

I'm very sorry for your situation. Catalina gave excellent advice, as always.
If you asked him and he said he is single he is a liar. You can never trust him if he has started the relationship out with a lie. Being a sub doesn't men you deserve to only get the time he has left over for you. He is cheating his wife as well because I am positive she doesn't know about you. Cut your loses and move on.

 

[Vixandra]

I agree with Catalina.

Would also like to add- I belive that seeing someone behind your spouse's back, no matter whether its 'nilla or BDSM, is cheating. If you can't call/text on the weekends when he's probably with his wife then I'd say she doesn't know.

I could never be content playing part time snack to someone, even if they seemed like the perfect match for me. But wouldn't your perfect match be able to be with you and love you on a perminant basis somewhere down the line?

Sounds like he's looking for dalliance on the side when he should proably be working on his own marriage or getting a real divorce (never understood the seperated stuff).

You have to look inside yourself- is this okay? Can you build your life around just two days a week? Is that fair to you?

 

[h_i_s]

i agree with Catalina .. (great advice as always, right there).

It it were me who heard the following words coming from a man:
"Will you be my sub knowing now that I am married and knowing that I may not get divorced?" --i'd have told him right then and there that i do not need time to think on it until Thursday, and would have given my answer to him at that very moment, of , "No, thank you".

He has not been honest with you, he didn't tell you of his married status from day one of those 8 weeks. BIG red flag there, in my book. He has lied about something as important as being married, and most likely won't find it difficult to lie about equal or lesser matters of importance in the future. This would illustrate to me that he doesn't have much of an issue with dishonesty, or a very strong sense of conscience, or a moral obligation to his own conduct with an urge to prefer right over wrong. If he had any preference of right over wrong, he'd have felt a need to allow you to decide THEN, from day one, whether you wanted to be involved with his current situation, and would have disclosed his marital status to you from the start with concern of sparing you any heartache which may come as a result of his marital status.

You've been with him for 8 weeks, and either prior to that time frame or somewhere during, he already decided that he may possibly choose to stay with the wife. --IF he isn't being dishonest about the whole story to begin with, and perhaps is NOT separated from her at all.

Regardless, if you felt deep down that being involved with him, now that you know he is married, would be a good choice for you, i doubt you'd be here asking us for advice in the first place. i think you knew deep down inside, the best answers for yourself regarding this married man, prior to seeking advice here. Regardless of what decisions you arrive at, best wishes & good luck to you.

 

[english vicky]

To add to the other responses here...

I'm a little shocked that he wanted a serious conversation with you while you were strictly in Dom/sub mode.

I may be alone in thinking this, but to converse properly in serious matters such as this, you both need to be equals for a moment, sit down with each other.

 

[Tollo]

I too feel that Catalina's advice is right on the mark.

Ask yourself, would you have gotten involved with this person if you had known up front that he was married and only looking for a part time illicit relationship?

There are so many things that are wrong with this situation that I cannot see it going well for you in the long run. His marriage sounds like a real mess and it is only a matter of time before you get dragged into it, in fact you already have. I suspect that even if you continue to see him, it will not be the same. In short, the relationship that you have had with him before this probably is already over. I say get out now before you get hurt even more than you have been.

What has happened to you is terrible, but at least at this point you can walk away knowing that you have done nothing wrong. From here on, if things go as badly for you as I see them going, you will have no one to blame but yourself. I am sorry if that sounds harsh or judgmental, but it is the reality of the situation that he has put you in. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Tollo

 

[His_pita]

I'm a little shocked that he wanted a serious conversation with you while you were strictly in Dom/sub mode.

I may be alone in thinking this, but to converse properly in serious matters such as this, you both need to be equals for a moment, sit down with each other.

I agree with this too. No way should he be Domming you while confessing his lies. Then telling you what time to give an answer on if you accept him or not. Pretty nervy if you ask me.

 

[INSIDEYOURMIND]

The question he asked me is this: Will you be my sub knowing now that I am married and knowing that I may not get divorced? He went on to say that he will see me 2 days during the week and no weekends and I cannot call him or text message him on the weekends.

The advice given is wise, and from what I read seems to come from a few people with experience on the subject.

You tell us that he states he is seperated, but it seems that he is only seperated when he is with you, his wife is not with him, hence he is seperated from her!

These type of relationships rarely if ever work out, and he continues on in his primary relationship, and you are left hurt, and increasingly jaded towards another relationship. Then you become angry and when the relationship had elements of BDSM involved, you become turned off to BDSM as well.

It is my experience that when some women tell you they had a bad BDSM experience, when you get into it, and they are honest with you, the real reason has nothing to do with BDSM, but in reality with the relationship dynamic.

Send this guy packing, (oh wait, he doesn't have to pack, he's comfy at home), and find a true Dom, one who knows this lifestyle is all about love, honor, trust, and respect. While it is important to you as a sub/slave to sevve your Dom/Master and make him happy, your happiness is part of the equation.

 

[Betticus]

To be the mistress, the little secret.

Assuming that he's even telling you the truth about being married, I would have to say the first instinct is to leave before you become too attached.

He could also be a player.

 

[sophia jane]

It is very tempting to accept his offer, I'm sure. I've been in a relationship with a married man, and I understand exactly how easy it can be to convince yourself that it's worth it because you get along so well, because he might leave her for you, because he might see how wonderful you are when you're together, etc. Those voices will try to convince you that you can deal with a part time relationship.
As someone who knows, let me tell you, that it is very very difficult. To be the secret, to be a part time person, is incredibly painful and, often, demoralizing. If you have any self-esteem issues, they will grow. If you have any problems with jealousy, they will be magnified. In short, being the other woman, especially in a D/s situation, can make you feel small and unimportant. Don't do that to yourself.
You have the chance now to walk away, to stand up for yourself and give yourself the opportunity for a REAL relationship, where you will be important and cared for. It's "easier" to accept the offer and settle- but I strongly recommend you take up for yourself and walk away.

 

[Caitlynne]

I'm a little shocked that he wanted a serious conversation with you while you were strictly in Dom/sub mode.

I may be alone in thinking this, but to converse properly in serious matters such as this, you both need to be equals for a moment, sit down with each other.

I'm surprised too! Having such a conversation in mode almost guarantees she will accept it. It's what subs do--they accept and obey.

Just another red flag in my opinion.

And--Catalina's advice is good, as always.

 

[landcruisergal]

* big breath* Here I go again putting myself out there, but hey as I was told here, if I can be totally honest here, where can I?

My PYL is married, but he told me at our first meeting. I also have a long term partner.
But we clearly agreed from then, that if either of us at anytime felt any emotional issues rose as a result of our interaction we would notify the other person and I would be released. Neither his situation or mine would change.Nothing would be expected of the other that may jeopodise out home, family or professional lives.

This was discussed before any other issues, and his screening of me as a novice online in the weeks before was clearly questions that examined my physical/mental/emotional reactions and feelings towards sex and intimacy.

He also warned me that I would have to deal with my own reactions by myself and in my own time, and he would rarely be there to aid me in this.And that sometimes those feelings would be intense and unnerving, especially the guilt at my infidelity. Displays of affection, intimacy and after care werent going to happen.

But when we communicate as people...its clear and concise, and he has always made sure I feel valued and a worthwhile and highly enjoyable part of his life that he anticipates and recalls when his life is stressful or mundane.Thats enough for me.

So it is possible, but it must be discussed at the onset, before roles and limits are even broached.Primarily you have to make sure you are both strong enough to handle it emotionally, and totally honest with each other.You cannot have any delusions of 24/7. If you need space you have to say so and your PYL/pyl has to respect that you need it.
Inversely I feel I need to protect his partner and he mine from the knowledge of our "affair". But my partner works away, and his business take him all over the country anyway.Simple to navigate.

But your man hasn't been honest about his situation, and whats worse, led you to believe your relationship was going somewhere else entirely.
You know you are worth more than what he has to offer you....

*ducks for cover*

 

[Netzach]

I'm not gonna throw stones at landcruisegal. Life isn't neat and tidy and people have been having extramaritals since they've had marriage. I also think there are far worse crimes in the world than fucking or D/sing outside your marriage.

If someone's going to be morally immoral, however, they will tell you they are married upfront. It's going to come out long before any shennanigans ensue. It's not going to be a surprise.

 

[Master Sensei]

I'm new here, and I really enjoyed reading the responses you've recieved.

It really comes down to trust, and some of the things many of us do involve a high level of trust. You can't trust this man at all, so therefore you need to walk away. The pain of loss you'll experience now, is much less than it will be in the future.

Also, in this day of STD's you simply cannot be having sex with someone you don't trust. Period.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm a little shocked that he wanted a serious conversation with you while you were strictly in Dom/sub mode.

I may be alone in thinking this, but to converse properly in serious matters such as this, you both need to be equals for a moment, sit down with each other.

I agree with English Vicky and Catalina!

The answer has to be no. He has manipulated you into an untenable position.
He isn't worthy of you!

It's sad and painful to say no now, but it will be worse to continue with someone like that who is married and duplicitous.

I wish you the best and here is a little cyber *HUG.*

Fury

 

[graceanne]

I gotta join the 'i agree with catalina' club.

Beyond that, I think that someone who will sneak around behind their SO's back is not to be trusted. How can you have a D/s relationship with someone who you know is a liar and a sneak?

 

[Rrrosyn]

Reading such replies and so many in less than 24 hours makes me proud I chill out here.

Just wanted to ask if you were ok after such a bombardment of response.

I have had relations with a married man while he was seperated. I do not know if he ever got back with his wife. I do not regret this but only because he told me upfront before anything happened how things were.

 

[Miss Diva]

Catalina is right. Why should you just have leftovers. You desserve better than leftovers. You desserve your own man, someone who will be there 100% of the time for you and truely be your DOM.

And he is quite dishonest. He should have told you on email he was married and only wanted you for a hobby. But no he strung you along for a while.

However having said that, you need to decide what you want. A good friend of mine is having an affair with a married man and she does not mind. She does not even want him to leave his wife. She is currently happy with.

So what do you want.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Great thread, good discussion, even when folks have differing views...

Two thumbs up y'all.

Word to the wise, from someone who's been there....

Cheating has consequences, many unforseen in the heat of the moment. Very few of them are pleasant and none I found were worth the pain it ultimately caused.

'Nuff said.

 

[saucyvox]

Oh, Honey

This is setting you up for a whole world of pain and loneliness. I'd say 'no thanks'. What he's doing isn't fair to you or to his spouse, and if you agree to this, you'll be complicit in a betrayal. Just because we enjoy our kink doesn't mean we have to fufill the stereotypes applied to us by society. It's wholly possible to enjoy D/s without adding 'adulterer' to the list of labels we apply to ourselves.

I'd advise that you find someone who'll be honest with you, who'll cherish you. Your submission is an enormous gift. He's disrespecting that gift.

::huggles::

Saucy

 

[Bandit58]

I had an affair with a married man (vanilla, long distance) after I left my husband of 23 years. I was lonely and vulnerable and he was kind and caring. He told me upfront that he was married. We met several times over the course of a few months. My husband had been my first and only sexual partner up to that stage, and I wanted to explore. He showed me how sex should be between two loving partners and I learned to trust for the first time. However the pain and heartache of being apart for much of the time and not seeing any future for us led him to call things off.

It turned out to be for the best because after that Master and I became close online and now I'm living with Him in Australia. I am number one priority in Master's life and He in mine. There is no longer an empty ache in my heart. When I need to touch Him His arms are always there. Compare that to the feelings of loneliness, despair and hurt, living 4 hours drive away, and only contact for weeks at a time being online chat and phone.

You deserve someone who can be there for YOU. By the sounds of it he is not going to do anything about his situation anytime soon and it is not fair to you to keep you hanging on waiting for something which may never happen (voice of experience here).

 

[Miss Diva]

I had an affair with a married man (vanilla, long distance) after I left my husband of 23 years. I was lonely and vulnerable and he was kind and caring. He told me upfront that he was married.

Bandit he told you upfront he was married and I have more respect for him because it allowed you the choice. Sub by Desire was not given the choice...

 

[brioche]

I'm new here, and I really enjoyed reading the responses you've recieved.

It really comes down to trust, and some of the things many of us do involve a high level of trust. You can't trust this man at all, so therefore you need to walk away. The pain of loss you'll experience now, is much less than it will be in the future.

Also, in this day of STD's you simply cannot be having sex with someone you don't trust. Period.

You should leave, and for the reason Master Sensei has raised - TRUST.

i don't have a lot of experience, but i do know from several pretend-a-Dom experiences that the first thing you need to do is build up some trust. If i'm going to do things that test my boundaries and involve TPE, i need to fully trust my PYL. If he started out with lying to you for 8 weeks, how can you trust him enough to put yourself, literally and figuratively, into his hands? Also, getting involved with a married man who probably isn't going to get divorced, judging by his phrasing of the question, is something very few people can handle. i know i couldn't give all my trust to someone 2 days a week and not be allowed to contact him the other 5.

It's your decision, but i think the sheer number of responses should give you some indication.

 

[loganrush]

If you want a long term commitment

Best pass on this sweetheart. He isn't going to leave his wife and if she finds out and boots his ass...He'll blame you and that won't be peleasant in a D/s situation. There are to many single men that will take your submissive side and cherish you to be caught up in that mess you wrotw about....Good Luck