need advice: friendship in a D/s relationship

[free-dreams]

My Domme is a switch who enjoys boths sides of the world, and we hung out a few times during the week when She didn't work and had time, but we mostly--if not all the time--played in a vanilla-light D/s mode. i am always submissive towards Her and viewed Her as both my Domme and my friend. i worry about Her stressful life, how things going for Her, and love Her as well.
However, over the past few months i began to really miss the heavy D/s scenes and my training, and as a part of Her rules, i wrote and sent Her fantasies and ideas. i began to write more and more because of my missing the heavy D/s scene we had once had in the beginning, and She viewed it as too demanding. i made no demands, just my fantisies as well as comments towards Her stressful life, because i was worried that She is overworked.
She finally told me a few days ago that She is taking away the friendship mode of our relationship, and is now a strict D/s relationship. Meaning, i am no longer allowed to ask Her questions about Her personal life, how She is doing, or normal questions to that nature. i understand i am a sub and do not rate an answer, or even the right to ask, but isn't it important to have a friendship status in a D/s relationship?
i have been with Her for two years and am worried this will affect our relationship...

Any advice? or am i just too impatient?

 

[bunny bondage]

personally, and this is just me here, i need open communication about things like that - especially in a D/s relationship. i prefer the one-on-one monogamous thing, where it's just me and a dom, so the relationship gets all my focus. if he won't even tell me how he's feeling, then it's not worth my effort to become close to him.

 

[Netzach]

I personally understand her rationale somewhat. It's very hard to balance friendship and being in a very strict and heavy D/s mindset with someone, especially as a novice or relative novice. I'm of the mind that my friendships are more important and more fulfilling to me than the strictness of the D/s I do, if it veers into "strict" only periodically that's ok. If it's subtle, pervasive, and present all the time, that's better.

That's not possible for some people though, and it's not desirable for others. Everyone's different.

I'd caution you to view this as *possibly* temporary, although you can't be sure of that. She may need to be stepping back from you *as a peer* for a certain period of time to regain her sense of footing.

Even with a slave, I've always maintained a neutral space and time where communication could happen. I think that's important. I think it can sometimes become too...buddy-buddy for lack of a better word, but I do think that shutting out communication permanently is a bad bad strategy.

If she wants to adopt a strategy of "do it, like it, or lump it" that's her right. It's also your right to vote with your feet if that's not a relationship you want to have.

 

[free-dreams]

Temporary or not, She cannot answer that because She has not decided. Though She did state that "open communication is a privelage, not a requirement."

i forsee a big trust issue coming up, perhaps?

 

[free-dreams]

i think what's hitting the worse though is some form of "goodbye" in RL, or some kind of "i'm leaving/bye" on-line....

Do most Dom's see the bye's and hellos as a privelage as well? to me i thought that was just a form of respect, but perhaps i am wrong?

 

[Daddyslilpet]

<snip>
Any advice? or am i just too impatient?

My advice is to be patient with her. I know when I approached Master about my feelings that things were not going as I wished they would, he called a halt all together for a while. Mind you he and I are married, and I consider him to be my best friend too, as well as my Dom. Anyway, after he had time to cool off from thinking that I was questioning his dominance, which was so not the intent btw, he decided that the halt was over. We didn't talk about it at all while he was upset, but once he had cooled off we did.

Maybe this is the case with your Domme. Just maybe she feels like her dominance is being called into question by your fantasies, even if you don't mean it that way.

Anyway, I wish you luck in that which you seek.

dixi

 

[morninggirl5]

The first thing that jumped out at me was that you know she's been under a lot of stress and pressure and you may have just added to that. Your feelings led to you writing "more and more" and that may have been viewed by her as another demand on her already-stretched-to-the-limit resources.


Give her some space and understanding.

 

[bunny bondage]

Temporary or not, She cannot answer that because She has not decided. Though She did state that "open communication is a privelage, not a requirement."

i forsee a big trust issue coming up, perhaps?

i'm sorry, i know there will be people here who disagree with me, but i just couldn't handle this. if i'm sharing myself in the most intimate ways possible, then they damn well better be willing to make at least the commitment of honesty to me, and that means answering all my questions.

if you think trust is going to be an issue, my advice would be to stand firm (hard for us subs, i know) and let her know what you do and do not find acceptable.

 

[FungiUg]

Yay! Bunny for Sub Rights!

Actually, I agree with Bunny. But on the other hand, I also see Netzach's point. What we may be seeing here is a need to separate the two.

Do you value her friendship or the D/s more? Because it may be that you will have to find a different Domme... but you can keep her friendship.

On the other hand, I also agree that some patience is needed. She's (as you said) stressed, and probably needs some space and no pressure.

So just use your head, make your needs plain, but don't pressure her.

 

[free-dreams]

it's hard to exit a D/s relationship, and i am actually almost afraid to if it did come down to that. giving up something i need is hard, and what i need is to be at Her feet, knowing that i please Her and that i am Hers to be used as She sees fit.

However, i am coming to believe that this may not be a healthy relationship. She told me the only right i have is to exit the relationship, and if i want open communication, friendship, and respect, then i should find someone else. Her stress is never a part of our relationship because it doesn't affect me, as She says.

i don't want to leave Her, and wish to stick it out, be patient with Her and wait and see what happens. i stated She is a switch, and has Her own Dom, and new rule last night is that i am not allowed to contact Her in any way unless i get permission from Her Dom.

i'm not trying to top from the bottom, i am just concerned that the basics of a relationship (communication, respect, friendship--a certain amount anyways) is a must in a sucessful D/s world.

Thank you all for Y/your help, and i sure appreciate it.

 

[FungiUg]

Two things here. The first is if you love her (and you seem to), she's doubtless worth investing some time and energy to see if things can improve, now she knows how you feel. The second is that giving up someone we love is the hardest thing in life to do, but sometimes we have to. So perhaps now is not the time, but if your needs are not being met, then why are you in the relationship? It's that simple.

 

[Daedalus77]

Maybe since her relationship with her Dom is changing he doesn't want her to have a relationship with you. Maybe it's ok with him for her to dom you but wants any relationship to be exclusive between him and her and she is not very good at explaining it to you or perhaps she is setting up the boundaries between herself and you. Just a thought.

 

[Netzach]

I think trust issues are not coming around the corner, I think they are here.

If the only right she tells you you have is to leave, that's the only right you have. You can't make someone be open to you, transparent to you, or even decent to you.

I think if you are looking for a mixture of friendship, emotional intimacy, and slavery, this may not be the right tree you are barking up.

Personally, I enjoy the friendship and company of bottoms, subs, and even the slave I had in my service, with whom I had a respectful, non sexual, non romantic relationship, outside of intense periods of sadistic use.

You need to decide what you can live with and what you want for yourself out of a service situation. You may simply not be suited to be a slave to someone without certain basic intimacies between friends or people embarking on the same kind of journey together.

 

[cellis]

I this earlier and I have thought about it... I think the fact is that your relationship has changed...

Perhaps it is time for you to look at what you need in a relationship with your Domme... Can you live with purely a physical relationship with no intimacy? It seems that that is what she is asking you to do...

You have no rights... Can you live with this? I think that is the question you need to be asking yourself...

 

[Bachlum Chaam]

For my part I agree with Bunny Bondage and Netzach, I think your trust issue is here now and more than likely her Dom is putting the pressure on her. Good luck to you sir I hope it turns out well for you
Bachlum Chaam

 

[Croctden]

You can't talk to her ever?

To me that sounds as thought a relationship is ending, not evolving.

Even if it's BDSM, it's still a relationship. If it does not meet you needs, talk to her and if she says no it may be time to go. Don't stay to long for memories.