Need a Non-Human editor

[CeriseNoire]

Well actually I need an editor for a non-human story. I am mostly looking for suggestions on grammar (I have a comma issue) and understandability. I am not of the opinion that you have to be rude to edit, so if that's your style, we likely won't be a match. I don't need to be coddled, but I don't need to be insulted either.

Here is the start of the story so you'll know what you are getting into.

Olyatéa looked at her lingerie-clad reflection in the mirror. Good thing those old wives tales about her kind and mirrors wasn’t true. For a moment she thought of how different she looked now, though in fact she was exactly the same. Actually, she’d been the same for a very long time. She had the same heavy breast, the same small waist, the same wide hips and strong thighs. After all, she hadn’t aged a day since that fateful night so long ago.

It had been the celebration of her entry into womanhood. Although in those days there had been no formal calendar, by her calculations, she would have been in her sixteenth year. Olyatéa’s dark wooly hair had been braided for the occasion, each one of the elder women of her tribe mixing a strand of her own hair within the plaits. They had painted Olyatéa’s dark skin with white, red, and yellow paste, tracing intricate symbols representing her womanhood.

However, she was never to see the celebratory fire, never to circle it in her coming-of-age dance, and never to choose from the young men there he who would be hers from then on. No, instead her life would end and begin on that night.

She had slipped away alone, to collect her thoughts before the ceremony, when suddenly the creature had been upon her, its teeth latching on to her neck. It fed on her blood, draining the life from her. Or so she had thought. When she had woken, the creature had vanished, and Olyatéa had known she was changed; she had felt her first craving.

Blood, she thought lustily as her mind drifted back to the present. She licked her lips and slipped on her black leather tank mini dress. She bent slightly so she could reach the hem and pull up the zipper. Getting it over her breasts was a challenge as always, and the supple leather was now pulled taut across her chest.

Olyatéa turned her attention to her face. Her closely shorn hair framed her high cheek bones and deceptively innocent features. She’d been wearing her hair this way for a decade or two, and she truly liked the simplicity of it. She reached for a small vial on the dresser and painted her full lips with a deep crimson stain. She smiled at the memory of the many mortal men, and the few women, who had fallen prey to those very lips. Finally, she stepped into a pair of high-heeled pumps and looked at herself one last time. Now she was ready to go seek her prey.

Thanks in advance,

~Cerise

 

[Darkniciad]

I must say, your snippet has me intrigued. My time fluxuates a lot, but judging from the snippet, I don't think your work would take long to go through and make suggestions for changes.

I've been told, by those who have worked with me, that I can make a point without coming across in a negative way, so I think I can fit the bill there.

Horror and Fantasy are two things I consider my strengths, so if you'd like me to give your story a once-over, just send me a PM and we'll work out the details