Need a little help here.

[Angelus]

I know that this is not the normal thing to ask here but I was wondering what rules there were to being a Master in a BDSM relationship. I've just started as one and basically have no idea what I am doing. I was also wondering what type of punishments and rules there were in this type of relationship.... please help, as I need all the help that I can get.

 

[TigerClaw]

.....

 

[cymbidia]

Oh man.
Really big question.

First, BDSM is all about respect - for yourself, for the people who are close to you, for the ways of the Lifestyle.

Yes, there are "rules". Lots of "rules".

You need to do some reading.
You need to internalize what it is you want from BDSM and learn how to use yourself and whomever will be trusting you with her heart and soul and body to achieve those ends.

---> It is the very highest responsibility for a Master to do no harm to his submissive.

"But how," you might ask, "does one accomplish that given all the implements of torture in frequent use among BDSM devotees?"

Good question.

In answer, YOU need to investigate what, for YOU is the difference between pain and pleasure. You need to know the answer to that for your sub, too, BEFORE you ever play BDSM games with her.

Man.
I can't even remember being where you are, it was so long ago.

Take small steps.
READ.
Learn.
Make what you learn a part of your heart and soul and daily life.

Ask any of us who are vocally lifestylers here at Lit any questions you have; we'll help you. We are: me, WriterDom, Hecate, MistressHoney - though she's new and i don't really know what she knows and doesn't know - Kitten Eyes - also new to me, but a switch and i like what i've seen of her so far. WriterDom and Hecate are known to me, though, and i trust their knowledge and advice - they are Dominants, as you profess to being. I am a submissive, of course, with many many years of lifestyle experience behind me.

Go read:

BDSM Newbie Guide
http://www.sxysadist.com/RG_Newbie.htm

D/s Help and Info: The Newbie Pack
http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/

BDSM For Beginners
http://blood-dance.net/bdsm/beginners.html

Play Partner Checklist (fill this out, both parties, and then **talk** about it before you play)
http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/bondage/sub-checklist.html


Ask me or WD or Hecate for more to read when you're done with these. Come to us with questions.
cym


edit: Add BlondGirl (another Domme) to the list of Lit BDSM people whose advice you can trust, Angelus ... ~waving and blowing a kiss to BG~

 

[BlondGirl]

I would also suggest SM 101 and Screw the Roses... as books--easy to order from Amazon. I would reccomend that you definately start with these two. They are the best I have seen. I have read The Topping Book and was not impressed--it seems to be more of a rambling of someone who is far more out toward the edge or society than myself and not practical. (The discussion of have a conversation about sexual rape fantasies with one's very young-6?-year-old daughter bothered me mucho!)

Keep in mind that there is no reason to rush anything. You will feel the natural desire to go at 200mph but be sure to take your time and throughly explore every aspect you are enjoying --you won't regret the skills you learn on the way.

; )

Oh yeah--and avoid any cheap handcuffs. It is unlikely you will get your girl to play again soon if the key breaks or jams. LOL Find a club in your area and go scope them out. (Club meaning=="groups of people with a shared interrest. Not meaning "meat-market")

 

[ericred50]

Honest advice,you need, to research the subject, read everything, visits every web site, and then only then sit down and ask your self is this for me, or them. I was introduced to the subject last year, I posted on the board just as you have done. I thought that I could never give or receive pain, it did not interest me. But after experiments, I found that I was very dominate, and that a little pain did make the organasm more intense, for her and me. It is the feeling of being in control, able to control her organism, telling her when and not to cum, some times for days in a state of complete arousal. Im only a novice Dom, the castlerealm web site will tell you all that you should want to know.
Also is it a real life realationship or cyber?
If you are interested I can e-mail some articles on the subject. Have fun I am

 

[WriterDom]

I didn't much like The Topping Book either, but The Bottoming Book (which I read first) gave me a new perspective on things. Unfortunately, I mailed it off to someone I lost contact with. I would like to go back and read it again.

You are in New Zealand? There are groups that meet Auckland, Hamilton, Dunedin, Wellington, and Christchurch you might find helpful at some point. Here is the link: http://www.whisper.co.nz/page6.htm

I don't know what to add that hasn't been said here already. Just know that it's more of a journey and not a destination.

 

[cymbidia]

more musings on this subject...

For many of us, BDSM is not so much a thing we do when we're having sex as a thing we do while we're breathing. In fact, it's far less about sex (for many of us) than it is about who we are as people and the relationship between us and another person.

Go read.

Find out why we call these BDSM relationships "power exchange" relationships.

Find out what "submission" is, what "Dominance" is.

Find out about honor within and among those who live this lifestyle, whether only in thier hearts and with one person in particular or showing to the outside world on an everyday basis.

Be prepared to have to wrestle with yourself over how much you tell other people about your new side and your new needs. Be prepared for a world of very ignorant and suspicious people when they learn that you may be doing some BDSM kinda stuff. Be prepared to keep this new side of yourself from your family, your co-workers, and most of your friends.

Try to be open to the new experiences coming to you. Try to understand that reading about flogging someone, for example, and role-playing it online in some chat room, is not at all what it will be like with another breathing human being. Real, live people sweat and moan and twitch and cry out - and it's ALWAYS far more satisfying and intense with another real live human than it could possibly be online.

I sort of envy you the beginning steps on this journey. It's a time of realizing a new world of personal power. As WriterDom said, for those of us who've done a serious investigation into this lifestyle, into the needs that make us seek into these off-the-mainstream avenues of sensation and intensity, this is a journey, not a destination, and a journey we're on for the rest of our lives.

 

[Shadie]

I have to agree with everyone, I'm just starting out as a sub and I have found out so much on the net it's unbelievable. There is a lot more than I first thought and I will be doing more research in the future.

I'm also lucky in the fact that I have found a Dom who is willing to take the time and help me explore and learn new things. We are still chatting and he has said that we won't meet until he thinks I'm ready, not only for the emotional side but the mental as well.

I was willing to jump in with two feet at the start but now I know there are so many different things and that this is not something to rush into but to take slowly and find out what you both enjoy.

I have learnt a lot more about myself from this and I hope to keep learning

 

[Angelus]

Thanks all.... I thank god that I have found a sub that I love with all my heart so I know that I won't take things too far. But you are right, there is more to learn than I thought there was.