Naughty Nursery Rhymes

[Foxee Browne]

Peter Peter pumpkin eater
Had a wife and could'nt keep her
Put her in a pumpkin shell
and there he beat her very well

Your turn ... rewrite a old nursery rhyme with an erotic twist

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Little Jack Horner,
Sat in the corner,
A pulling on his pud,
Shot himself in the eye,
And said,
What a good boy am I.

 

[Foxee Browne]

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack dropped his crown, his pants fell down
And he tumbled Jill right after.

 

[Dar~]

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to get her poor doggy a bone
when she bent over
old rover came over
and gave her a bone of his own.

 

[MrsDeathlynx]

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to get her poor doggy a bone
when she bent over
old rover came over
and gave her a bone of his own.

My mommy used to tell me that one, lol.

 

[damppanties]

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack dropped his crown, his pants fell down
And he tumbled Jill right after.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
God knows what they did up there
But they came down with a daughter

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.
Silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son

 

[neonlyte]

Mary had a little lamb
She kept it in a bucket
And every time the lamb got out
The bulldog used to fuck it.

 

[Chantilyvamp]

Wankee Doodle

Wankee Doodle came to town,
He was hung just like a pony;
Dropped his pants and his prick fell off
Seems it was a phoney!

 

[Chantilyvamp]

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

Old King Cole was a merry old soul
and a merry old soul was he
He called for his wife
He called for his girl
and He called for his harlots three.

 

[gagginforit]

Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub doesn't need to be rewriten.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Each with a buck and a quarter,
Jill came down with two and a half,
She wasn't gathering water.

 

[BlackShanglan]

These are wonderful! I'm grinning from ear and ear, and on a horse that really is something to see.

I have no nursery rhymes to offer, alas. But years ago in a misspent moment of a physics class, my friend and I worked on limericks. This one, for obvious reasons, was my favorite:

In Russia was Catherine the Great
Who met a remarkable fate
When she mounted her horse
And took Nature's course -
Alas! 'Twas the horse was too great.

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

These are wonderful! I'm grinning from ear and ear, and on a horse that really is something to see.

I have no nursery rhymes to offer, alas. But years ago in a misspent moment of a physics class, my friend and I worked on limericks. This one, for obvious reasons, was my favorite:

In Russia was Catherine the Great
Who met a remarkable fate
When she mounted her horse
And took Nature's course -
Alas! 'Twas the horse was too great.

Braggard

 

[Foxee Browne]

Baa baa black sheep
Have you any wool
Yes sir, yes sir
Three bags full

One for the master
One for the dame
And one for the little boy they both fuck
Who lives down the lane

 

[Carnevil9]

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his fucking dick!

(stolen from Andrew Dice Clay)

 

[Foxee Browne]

Yankee doodle went to town
To ride a sweet girlie
Stuck a condom in his cap
And said to her "let's give it a whirlie"

 

[NoJo]

Baa baa black sheep
Have you any wool
Yes sir, yes sir
Three bags full

One for the master
One for the dame
And one for the little boy they both fuck
Who lives down the lane

Execellent, if a tad wanting metrically

 

[Grushenka]

In Russia was Catherine the Great
Who met a remarkable fate
When she mounted her horse
And took Nature's course -
Alas! 'Twas the horse was too great.

I know, I know. It's all in fun and for cleverness, etc., but as a woman of Russian heritage I state for the fucking record that Ekaterina II did not ever ever ever ever ever have sex with a horse.

 

[kendo1]

I know, I know. It's all in fun and for cleverness, etc., but as a woman of Russian heritage I state for the fucking record that Ekaterina II did not ever ever ever ever ever have sex with a horse.

Bill Clinton had the same excuse.







Though I don't remember a horse in his case.

 

[SeaCat]

Jack was nimble
Jack was quick
Jack jumped on the candlestick.

Humpty Dumpty worked along the wall
Humpty Dumpty worked in the hall
All of the kings horses and all of the kings men
just gave Humpty Dumpty a big grin

Cat

 

[SeaCat]

Mary had a little lamb
whose fleece was white as snow.
What she did with him at night
no one needed to know.

Cat

 

[glynndah]

Mary, Mary, Quite contrary
What does your porn now show?
Silver bars, cocks and balls
And pretty maidens all in a row.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yankee doodle went to town
To ride a sweet girlie
Stuck a condom in his cap
And said to her "let's give it a whirlie"

My favorite so far-- Something about the word "girlie" I think... Plus the Safe Sex

 

[TE999]

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Eating his girlfriends hair pie
He used his thumb
To make her cum
And said "What a hot stud am I."