TheCheshireCat
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Got any you want to share? Post 'em here!
I'll start....
I'll start....
Naughty Jokes
- Thread starter TheCheshireCat
- Start date
TheCheshireCat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2003
- Posts
- 639
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel
manager
explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The
assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new
employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The
foreman
takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the
problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end
of
the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the
Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little
piece
of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little
package
between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.
After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the
woman,
and says,"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is
to
give Elmo two test tickles."
manager
explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The
assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new
employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The
foreman
takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the
problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end
of
the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the
Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little
piece
of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little
package
between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.
After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the
woman,
and says,"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is
to
give Elmo two test tickles."
TheCheshireCat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2003
- Posts
- 639
here's another
Saying Good-Bye to Mother
A couple were going out for the evening, they'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the cat shoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother". A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says, "stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!!"
Saying Good-Bye to Mother
A couple were going out for the evening, they'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the cat shoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother". A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says, "stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!!"
TheCheshireCat
Literotica Guru
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- Jan 31, 2003
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are these even funny to anyone or should I give up and return to my flower job?
G
Guest
Guest
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
G
Guest
Guest
The Voodoo Dick
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick.
She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital, to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"_ __ __
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick.
She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital, to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"_ __ __
TheCheshireCat
Literotica Guru
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LMOA!!! Those are great- Thank you!
TheCheshireCat
Literotica Guru
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Zmey said:
LOL, my uncles would love that. Frog legs are a specialty in our family
Zmey
Chevo?
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- 3,909
There were three cockerels:
One was normal
One was dyslexic
And the third one was Gay.
Every morning the first one would get up and sing out
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Then the second one would get up and sing
Dock-a-coodle-doo!
Finally the third would get up and sing
Any cock'll doo!
One was normal
One was dyslexic
And the third one was Gay.
Every morning the first one would get up and sing out
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Then the second one would get up and sing
Dock-a-coodle-doo!
Finally the third would get up and sing
Any cock'll doo!
TheCheshireCat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2003
- Posts
- 639
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The
911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
" The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
" The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
TheCheshireCat
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Send someone over quickly!"
the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing
up
toward my bedroom window!
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to
transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"
the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing
up
toward my bedroom window!
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to
transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"
TheCheshireCat
Literotica Guru
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CNN Late Breaking News!
It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured
this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US
Special Forces.
The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on
the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was
captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage
in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.
Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events
unfold, explained that moments earlier United States
war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the
southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick
just popped up!
It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured
this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US
Special Forces.
The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on
the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was
captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage
in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.
Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events
unfold, explained that moments earlier United States
war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the
southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick
just popped up!
TheCheshireCat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2003
- Posts
- 639
I can't begin to guess...why?
TheCheshireCat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
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- Posts
- 639
msmuffett66 said:
AWESOME
