(nameless nonbeing)

[Senna Jawa]

That was a title or rather its translation (2004-12-22). I just attempted only 4 more lines (the whole poem is longer). I am sure I did a lousy job. Improve it if you will.

(nameless nonbeing)​

i was stuffing the nights full of stars
into two bags under my eyes

six years since the birds from the sky
kept falling down like stones​

****

Regards,

 

[Angeline]

That was a title or rather its translation (2004-12-22). I just attempted only 4 more lines. I am sure I did a lousy job. Improve it if you will.

(nameless nonbeing)​

i was stuffing the nights full of stars
into two bags under my eyes

six years since the birds from the sky
kept falling down like stones​

****

Regards,

You once told me to begin by taking a word out. I'd choose "the" in the first line.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Thank you, Angeline.

Regards,

 

[Tzara]

May I ask what kind of things you might be expecting as feedback, SJ?

"Improve it if you will" seems a very loaded statement. Almost like a dare, or a challenge that the One True Prince will manage, climbing over dangerous and obscenely scary rocks to come to a place where the Fountain of All Things Good bubbles up between some pretty rocks.

Should the hero drink, or abstain?

I know. Fluffery.

You must see that you've presented us with a no win situation. Or, more accurately, a "faint win" situation.

Maybe we luck on to a alternate phrasing you like. We win.

More likely, we suggest something worse, in your eyes.

So what, considering that, is the point of responding?

 

[Senna Jawa]

A misunderstanding

Tzara, my English has failed me. I meant simply to provide your own versions of my translation; also of minor corrections of my own English version.

 

[Angeline]

Tzara, my English has failed me. I meant simply to provide your own versions of my translation; also of minor corrections of my own English version.

SJ I would also take out the "the" before birds. I should have mentioned that yesterday. Three 'the" (s) in those lines is too much. The other thing that strikes me is 'from the sky." Most birds are from the sky so why say that? Ok you want the image of birds falling, but without knowing the reason why they're falling it's hard to help. I sense that "from the sky" is there to balance the line, but maybe there's a better way to do that.

I have no idea whether I'm helping or not, but for you I'll try.

 

[Remec]

Tzara, my English has failed me. I meant simply to provide your own versions of my translation; also of minor corrections of my own English version.

I am thinking on what I might do with the English pieces you left for us, but as far as providing my own versions---without knowing what the original text was, and provided it was a language I felt confidant in translating, I'd have a hard time in posting one of my own.

 

[bogusagain]

i was stuffing the nights full of stars
into two bags under my eyes

six years since the birds from the sky
kept falling down like stones


I robbed the night of its stars
stuffed them into bags under my eyes

half a dozen years since the sky
kept dropping birds like stones

Correct grammar makes its own logic but one has to ask, what is the significance of six years?

 

[Senna Jawa]

SJ I would also take out the "the" before birds. I should have mentioned that yesterday. Three 'the" (s) in those lines is too much. The other thing that strikes me is 'from the sky." Most birds are from the sky so why say that? Ok you want the image of birds falling, but without knowing the reason why they're falling it's hard to help. I sense that "from the sky" is there to balance the line, but maybe there's a better way to do that. [...]

Angelina, I am sure that your propositions are correct, I am willing to follow them blindly. Myself I am not able to think about these issues on my own. (In particular, I worried about a need of a grammatical separation in "stuffing the nights"; i.e. of a possible misunderstanding due to "stuffing nights"; also, I may read melody here in a wrong way).

Best regards,

 

[Tzara]

Tzara, my English has failed me. I meant simply to provide your own versions of my translation; also of minor corrections of my own English version.

My sincere apologies. That post was rather cranky, which I can be at times, but still unpleasant to the recipient. I apologize for that.

Your English, by the way, is probably better than mine, if that matters.

Recovering my manners, I will say that it is good to see you post again. Both to the forum and to Lit.com.

I am actually more interested in your use of the word "translation."

I assume this is you translating your own poem from another language (I'm assuming Polish, though I think you also know Russian).

I do not want to prejudice this question much, but how easy or difficult is that? One would think that as someone fluent in both languages, it would be easy, but I suspect it is not.

The problem of translation is interesting to me.

 

[Senna Jawa]

about the given translation

Remec, Tzara, and others--a few words about my Polish original (2004-12-22). The whole text consisted of 24 lines (including the introductory 4 lines). The remaining 20 last lines rendered a (romantic) story. From the pure artistic point of view the topic was devoted to vertical motion, up and down. First the introduction involves the movement from the night up there down to the human level (human eyes). Next there is a move from the sky to the ground (the birds are falling). Next, the main text of the poem introduced an apartment building high structure (skyscraper). There is a movement from the top floors up high to the basement apartment; and back again; etc. But nothing happens unnaturally (nothing is in your face)--the poem is discrete.

This is the only poem ever stressing the verticality, and so purely (I've never heard about anything like this).

Regards,

 

[Senna Jawa]

Contrast

When there are two versions, A and B, then looking at B one gets more consciously alerted to version A. That's how it works with bogusagain's variation of the earlier origin. (I am sure that we differ about the two texts sharply .

 

[Angeline]

Angelina, I am sure that your propositions are correct, I am willing to follow them blindly. Myself I am not able to think about these issues on my own. (In particular, I worried about a need of a grammatical separation in "stuffing the nights"; i.e. of a possible misunderstanding due to "stuffing nights"; also, I may read melody here in a wrong way).

Best regards,

I agree with the "the" before nights, not only because of your point about misunderstanding, but because (paradoxically) it also opens the line up to a few interpretations. I'm not sure how you feel about that, but it's something I like to do sometimes in a poem. So maybe strictly on the basis of your translation it serves the purpose it needs to in the line and don't worry about my other point.

I am interested now to see where all this up and down is going.

 

[butters]

(nameless nonbeing)​

i was stuffing the nights full of stars
into two bags under my eyes

six years since the birds from the sky
kept falling down like stones​

i plundered the night of its stars
crammed them into sacs beneath my eyes

six long years since the sky birds
plummeted like stones

 

[twelveoone]

That was a title or rather its translation (2004-12-22). I just attempted only 4 more lines (the whole poem is longer). I am sure I did a lousy job. Improve it if you will.

(nameless nonbeing)​

i was stuffing the nights full of stars
into two bags under my eyes

six years since the birds from the sky
kept falling down like stones​

****

Regards,

(you) question the verbs and prepositions . what is the reason for "i was stuffing"
as opposed to "I stuffed"?

"kept falling" implies a continuation, I suspect there a reason for it and you already considered "fell" if so, back to "was stuffing" why "was"?

"into" reason for instead of "in" or "to"

"under" why not " beneath" - I suspect this was considered

short interruption - these first two lines are laden, very succinct, in short, I like.

Ange's questioning of the article "the" (3 of them), why are they there?

Next set of lines "six years" what do you mean to imply? Six years ago, something happened, it ended or did it continue?

Now "falling down like stones", why not "fell" "rain", etc., but "stones" as noun, too easy, consider the use of something that performs a function shift, "stone", "rock", "pelt", etc. all function as verbs also.

However, I do not know the context of this, so "like stones", may be called for, but in isolation it ends on a dead note. Christ, even "as stones" would be better.

Couldn't resist SJ

best regards
(nameless nonbeing) aka the one you don't talk to