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goud21

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May 12, 2002
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Long time reader, just don't post much because I usually don't have much to add to what others have said. That being said, lately I've been facing a new situation and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I couldn't think of a better place to discuss this. I'll try to keep it short and if it's already been discussed at length, I'm sure someone can point me in the right direction. (short recap at the end)

Longer story: I've been with my fiance now for a little over a year and a half. I'm 28 and she's 26. She's amazing and I love her. Our sex life has died down a little in the last 5 months due to my long hours at work and some stress she's been going through with her job, but in general our sex life is really good. It's usually one night a week during the week and at least once a weekend. The sex is good. She usually gets off multiple times (one way or another) as do I. While I know most women don't get off every time, I'd say it happens for her a lot more than it doesn't.

That being said, it's pretty much the same thing every time (with minor variations). Lots of foreplay. Hands roam, kisses all over, etc. I often go down on her for a bit (it's not her favorite activity, but she does enjoy a little bit of it, some days more than others). That's followed by the actual intercourse. It usually starts with me on top in a typical missionary position. We'll move to her legs being up on my shoulders. We might flip for her to be on top for a while. But in the end, we almost always end with me on top. It's basically some variation of the three positions each time.

Now, I'd like to be more adventurous. I'm not talking anything too wild, but I would like to turn her around and take her from behind. I'd like to maybe 69 from time to time. I'd like to pull her to the edge of the bed and go at it with me standing up and her on her back. I'd like to pull out and cum on her chest (and at the time face, but I think after the fact that doesn't seem as appealing to me). The problem is, she's a very prim and proper person. While she's by no way a prude during the actual act (she's actually very vocal and loves the dirty talk), she's not open at all to discussing it after the act itself. Every time I start talking about what we just did, she just brushes it off and doesn't want to talk about it. She wasn't really brought up in a family where sex was something private or not talked about ,as I've heard her parents and siblings discuss sex fairly openly. Unfortunately, she not one to talk about things at all, even with her girlfriends. She even got invited to a sex toy party recently (all in attendance would be close friends of hers) and she didn't go because she thought she'd be embarrassed.

So, that all being said, is there any way I'll be able to get her to open up and discuss things, or am I better off trying to suggest new things during the actual act itself to see if she's into it?

Short story: fairly vocal and into it at the time, not really trying anything new these days, doesn't want to talk about it after the act itself because she's too "prim and proper" to talk about sex. How do I get her to talk about and try new things?
 
Sorry...started posting the title of this thread and hit enter by mistake and it posted...should say, "My fiance: Into at time, won't talk later"
 
goud quoth:
she's not open at all to discussing it after the act itself. every time i start talking about what we just did, she just brushes it off and doesn't want to talk about it.
honestly, if she isn't comfortable discussing sex outside of the act, trying to talk about it during is a very bad idea, IMHO. people may say things they may not actually mean outside of the moment.

i wish i had something new to add to the discussion, goud, but i'm afraid i don't.

ed
 
Well, asking for a different position might be ok in the middle of things. It's probably not best to ask for the level of kinky I tend to like though.
 
Tried texting or some sort of non-proximal communication? Sometimes it is easier if you can think about it for a minute and not have the person staring at you.

Also people are retarded for letters, unduly excited honestly. Try that.
 
Why not just do it? There's probably a degree of stuff that you could do simply by taking the lead and being a bit more directive. Other stuff (like anal for example) probably needs a bit more discussion

Apart from the pearl necklace stuff the things you described don't seem too far from what you currently are doing? For example with a bit of 'subtle' repositioning you can manoeuvre her to the edge of the bed in a missionary style then stand up.

Overall though it sounds like you're asking how you can get your fiance to be a bit more comfortable in her sexual skin. You probably need someone cleverer than me to answer that one though.

Good luck!
 
I'd say that if she's into sex and enjoys it, just bite the bullet and ask. Make it complimentary like 'I want to come on your gorgeous tits' or 'turn over so I can take you from behind, you've got such a great ass.' So long as you're giving her the opportunity to say 'no,' and it's unlikely she'll think the things you've suggested are completely outrageous, there should be no misunderstandings or regrets. If she does say 'no', ask her about it gently, while you're cuddling afterwards. Don't hesitate too long, leave things unsaid and let her clam up. Don't sound disappointed or dissatisfied, just say that you'd like to understand why she has an aversion to whatever you suggested. Remind her that you'll never do anything she doesn't want to do and that you still love sex with her just the way it is.

If she takes offence after that, she has issues that run deeper than perhaps you first thought. If she's mature enough to have sex and to get engaged, she should really be mature enough to talk to you about her feelings on the subject. Don't push or pressure her, but try to make her see that most couples can talk about sex openly, because there's nothing embarrassing or shameful about it.
 
If you try to get her to try something new in the middle of sex, I would recomend choosing a time when she is very into it. For instance, a romantic weekend once she is nice and worked up. The more fun she is having, the more likely she will be to try something that is suggested.

As to talking out side of sex, sometimes you just need to be direct. I would suggest starting with, "I know that you don't like talking about this, but it is important to me..." as a way to let her know that you understand her feelings while expressing your own. Also, maybe try writing letters, talking over a phone, or chatting on a messenger. Sometimes it is easier to say things that way than face to face.
 
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