My Worst Story

[dr_mabeuse]

I recently posted "The Donor" to the Erotic Horror category. With 10 votes in, it has the worst rating I've ever had for a story. I happened to check the ratings when it first went up and I had one vote and it was a 1, but I don't know if someone really loathed it or whether it was just one of my anti-fans.

It's a different style of writing than what I usually do, and it may not be a five, but it's certainly not the worst thing I've ever done, so I'm a little surprised by the low rating. I would really appreciate anyone's looking it over and telling me what you think of it, because I must be missing something.

I've certainly raked enough people over the coals in my time, now I'm invitig you to do the same to me. All I ask is that you avoid the obvious flaws--the missing commas, the misspellings, proofing errors in general--because I can find those myself. Even if you just scan the story you should have a pretty good idea of what's going on. Maybe you can tell me why it's rated more than a point below my other stuff.

Thanks. The link's below:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=90107

---dr.M.

 

[Wantonica]

You know...

Hello Doctor,

I have only been here a few days and have already determined a few things:

1) No one will puncture my skin.
2) Ratings are not accurate and do not matter.
3) If I am read, it is glorious.
4) Life is a giggle.

Just smile, those around you will too...
Lascivious Wanton

 

[Octavian]

This is not a genre I would usually read but as you often give writers the benefit of your analysis I will give you the dubious benefit of mine.

Being somewhat squeamish I cannot say that I enjoyed the story but it is in no way deserving of a '1'.

Commas not full stops, should be used when the dialogue is being attributed, unless such dialogue ends in an exclamation or a question mark. (But you already know that!)

My other comments are more subjective. You wrote
'At eight o’clock on a raw spring night I met the donor in a small eatery near the Old River Street bridge, just around the corner from the vampress' apartment.' Why not make it a mysterious opening and say 'I met him.....round the corner from her...' The reason for the meeting will soon become apparent and it avoids the need to have the somewhat clumsy 'vampress' apartment'.

You wrote
'The weather that night was so perfectly suited to my mission that it almost seemed a joke, wet, dim, and misty, with fog climbing up from the river in the cool air and blurring all the hard edges of that grimy mill town.' I don't think 'joke' is the right word.
'Contrived' would have been my choice.

You wrote
'There were very few people out on a night like this, so the diner was empty, and I saw him as soon as I stepped inside. ' Tenses might become confused here as there is no verb after 'this' ie 'on a night like this (is)'
I think it would have been better to have written: There were very few people out on such a night........

I gave it '4' because I liked the seedy atmosphere you created and because the writing is very good overall.

Octavian

 

[Graymouse]

You know, I've never read any of your other work, but if this is your worst, I certainly plan to do so. I honestly loved it as a story--although I should concede I have a thing for blue collar settings and seediness--I will, however, say that I'm not so sure it was all that erotic. I imagine it's hard to strike the right balance between making something suitably horrific and making something sufficiently arrousing. You were right there with the horror; your description of setting and characters certainly conveyed that subtle, underlying element of darkness. I think, though, the fact that there was so much saddness in your narrator--which I actually appreciated; it made for a richer, more complex story--killed a lot of the eroticism. That might account for the 1 vote, although I hardly think it justifies it.

On a somewhat tangential note, I think you're a whizard with imagery. I really thougth your descriptions of the town itself, her apartment, etc. were quite effective.

This reads like an actual story, like the sort of thing I'd find in a fiction magazine. I really don't think that about too much of what I find around here. Style-wise, it also reminds me of another Chicago writer, Don DeGrazia--I wonder if you've read his book?

Anyway, I've rambled on enough. I liked your story quite a bit. It seems to me that any new category is going to suffer its share of growing pains until the readers and writers decide what that category should actually be about. I wouldn't worry too much about your 1 vote. Anyone voting that way clearly has no appreciation for quality.

Hope this helps.

 

[alikat]

If I may be so bold...

After all the effort you put in on my story, it seemed only fair to reciprocate!

I started reading with the expectation that I would find myself "skimming" before I got to the end. Horror really isn't my thing, although I have read Dracula!

But - I read every word avidly. The whole thing had me gripped from beginning to end, and that can only be down to the quality of the writing. Just as a piece of fiction, I really liked it.

However, I have to say that I didn't find it that erotic - probably just a personal taste thing, or maybe due to the fact that I see so much blood at work that it just isn't sexy anymore. But even so, I definitely wouldn't have given it a 1 - maybe a three-and-a-half, if such a thing existed. And that's only because of the vampire content not being to my personal taste.

Only one technical thing struck me about the actual writing:

holding me prisoner while her come rocketed through her body, tearing her apart in a maelstrom of emotions. Is this a touch of authorial omniscience creeping in from the third person (and I don't mean J!)?

I'm going off to find some more of your stuff now!

AK

 

[KillerMuffin]

I would imagine that it's the category and not the story itself. There's been a bunch of flack tossed the Big L's way regarding that particular category from readers and authors. Some think that it's just going to be an excuse to post snuff.

If you had posted this in non-human you probably would have gotten better scores. The only way to verify this is by writing a similar story and submitting it to n-h and watching the scoring.

 

[Guest]

Does my ass look big in this?

 

[Guest]

Does my ass look big in this?

Muffie doesn't have her usual av up, eejit!

 

[reohoko]

You know...

Hello Doctor,

I have only been here a few days and have already determined a few things:

1) No one will puncture my skin.
2) Ratings are not accurate and do not matter.
3) If I am read, it is glorious.
4) Life is a giggle.

Just smile, those around you will too...
Lascivious Wanton

I am sooo on the same page as you

*giggle

It's good to be me and to hell with anyone that doesn't like it.

LOL

I am going to read it right now, but I can't find that post of that other persons story I was supposed to read too.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Thanks everybody for taking the time to respond. I probably wouldn't have asked for feedback on this excpet that it was significantly different from the stuff I usually do that I wasn't really sure about it myself.

I'm one of the first myself to say that scores don't matter, but saying it and actually ignoring them are two different things.

I agree with all the comments. That first sentence was a backbreaker, and the sex scene was awfully overwritten. And of course, now that it's posted, I see all these edits I should have made, but that's life.

Thanks again.

---dr.M.

 

[reohoko]

I read it and I think you did a good job.... I have written more than one piece I don't like at all. My favorite character to write about does the most horrible things sometimes..but still, what is important is that it is well written, tells a story, and has some effect on your audience.

I say, job well done... your story makes a LOT of emotional responses. *giggle

And by the way, I like giving out 5s it's a thing. LOL

 

[karmadog]

I read it last night, doc, so I may not have details correct.

The setting has stuck with me, too. I think that was one of the strengths of your story. I've been to a couple of the those UP mining towns and they can be pretty damn creepy on a grey day.

It seemed to me that the narrator knew a little too much about bloodletting before it happened. Why was the narrator, rather than the vamp, signing the paperwork? I could see him notarizing or witnessing, but I don't understand why he'd be a signatory.

You're right, the sex scene was overwritten. Making it anal was, I think, a bit gratuitous as well, but I can see the symbolism of it fitting the story, so whatever.

Is 'vampress' really the right word? It sounds like a bloodsucker that works at the laundry, or perhaps the gothic newsletter. In any case, I don't know another word, so again, not throwing stones.

All in all, I have no explanation for your story getting slammed. It was pretty good.

 

[Mary Riley]

I thought your story was great. The detail and description were wonderful.

I honestly agree with one of the posts above when someone stated that it is just this category in general. If you look at the scores for the other handful of stories that are in this listing...it seems that it is rare for any of them to rate over a 4...even if they do deserve better. I thought the one I submitted was better than my last two submissions to two other popular categories but yet it has rated quite a bit lower.

I was very happy to see the creation of this category...but others do not seem to be taking a liking to it for whatever reason. To each his own, I suppose.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Karmadog,

I agree with you about the word "Vampress". It's an ugly and awkward word. Unfortunateoy it was a point of pride to the girl in the story to be referred to by this term.


---dr.M.

 

[gauchecritic]

Some years ago I read a story called 'I Want Your Blood', I forget who the author was. It turned out to be a psychological story about an army recruit who really did need to drink blood.

As I read your story I was in the same frame of mind as when I read that other story, expecting some sort of psychology thing to be going on.

However, you made her into a real vampire and that just spoiled the rest of the build up.

How she couldn't go meet anyone herself, the downloaded 'legal' forms, the need for the donor to be disease free.

If she was a vampire then her "super-human" strength would have kept her out of any possible harm, if she is un-dead then disease is not a factor and legality?

Being a real vampire made a nonsense of the build up which cancelled out the sexual element in vampirism.

If she wasn't a vampire then she would hardly have even been able to break the skin of her victim without ripping his throat out.

The 'horror' didn't become evident with either the victim or the agent as the act became real. As someone mentioned, the anal sex could have been sybolic and if this were the case then you could probably have successfully used this 'stabbing' to heighten the agent's horror and fear and using his only available 'potence' to punish her with seeming rape.

Not a '5' for me, mainly because of this polarity but I can see how disappointment might cause a '1' vote.

Gauche

 

[reohoko]

However, you made her into a real vampire and that just spoiled the rest of the build up.

How she couldn't go meet anyone herself, the downloaded 'legal' forms, the need for the donor to be disease free.

If she was a vampire then her "super-human" strength would have kept her out of any possible harm, if she is un-dead then disease is not a factor and legality?

Being a real vampire made a nonsense of the build up which cancelled out the sexual element in vampirism.

If she wasn't a vampire then she would hardly have even been able to break the skin of her victim without ripping his throat out.

Gauche

I will argue that more than one author has hinted and or used the idea that disease and other such things can be transfered to a vampire, including alcohol content. Soo, story wise it is acceptable vampire lore.

Even Anne Rice likes to use legalities in her stories. Not that one that I recall, but I could be mistaken.

As for super-human strength... to use it would kind of make the idea of her living a "normal" life improbable (spelled wrong oh well), as the chances of her being "caught" would be multiplied too much to be believable either.

Note, even Anne Rice's vampires are sexual, though they don't seem to have sex as I recall it. Many vampire stories are sexual in nature. As a female, myself, I can vouch for the attraction. And if all else fails watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I can't recall all the times they have suggested sex.

If she isn't a vampire I imagine that I can agree with the possibility of what you say. However, as there was a mention to blade in the earlier part of the story... who is to say she does not have it in her teeth? I have heard of much stranger things.


Sorry, had to do this.

 

[gauchecritic]

I could argue those points with you (and quite willingly) however I was trying to point out to the Doc how, in my opinion, these would detract from the story and give low marks.

Gauche

 

[dr_mabeuse]

The source of the story has no bearing on how good it is, but in this case I think it says something about what I was trying to achieve, and apparently didn't.

The fact is, Rachel is a real person who I met on the net some years ago, and came very close to meeting in person before I decided that she was just too bizarre and possibly psychotic. The details of the sanguinarian vampress' life and feeding are from what she told me. That's where I heard about the legal forms (although in the story the narrator shouldn't have signed them himself), about taking blood with syringes or razor blades, sharpened fingernails, or teeth (though admittedly, not from the neck: certainly not from the jugular, Dracula's favorote target), about the symptoms of the 'hunger' and the terrible excitement a sanguinarian feels when she meets her donor after a long fast.

She also told me about the groupies known as donors or "bleeders", disease tranmission, and things like the way blood clots in a shot glass while you're waiting for it to fill so that it's like drinking melted jello.

My intention was to make her as real a vampire as she claimed to be. It was my fault I succumbed to the cliche's of superhuman stremgth and her snarling. The sex scene was quite overwritten, and also a flat out fabrication because, though she claimed to be very sexual normally, she said she never mixed sex and feeding.

Hollywood vampires are not very frightening anymore, compared to things like ebola virus and Altzheimer's disease. I found Rachel's stubborn fixation on this bizarre idea of vampirism horrifying, especially when set against the banality of her everyday exitence (she worked as a dishwasher and had a child she said she loved very much in a foster home). It was the contrast of the bizarre and the mundane that I was trying to emphasize: the banality of evil.

I do appreciate the comments and everyone's taking the trouble to read the story. I would change some things in it, but I would never give Rachel fangs and and a white face. That was not my intention.

---dr.M.

 

[reohoko]

well, ok just one thing.... I liked the story MUCH better before you explained all that.

LOL

oh well you get HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS
just because.

 

[karmadog]

I