My wifes gay affair

[DiggerDave]

Hi all.

I don't usually post on here but mainly just use the site to post up my stories.

About five weeks ago my wife left her mobile phone at home instead of taking it to work with her. She had a text message which I answered. It was then that I noticed loads of other messages of a very intimate and sexual nature.

Obviously my wife was having an affair. The texts were with a female work colleague.

Finding this came out of the blue and I was devasted as we had been married for over twenty years and have three teenage children. In all this time I did not realise that my wife had sexual feelings for other women.

We have talked about what happened and the reasons why etc. I am still really upset by what I have found out regarding the lies, deceit and adultary. My wife says that she cannot turn her feelings off like a tap and still loves this woman. She sees her every day at work and I know she has phoned and texted her in the evenings - this is killing me.

I know that the affair is a symptom and that our marriage was not perfect - due to our incompatible work hours communication was certainly a problem.

My wife says that she still loves me and wants the marriage to work. I do still love her but as yet cannot come to terms with what she has done.

There is no one I can talk to about this as my wife was the only significant other adult in my life.

Has anyone else been through a similar situation?
Has anyone else found out that there partner is gay / bisexual after being married to them for a long time without knowing?
Does time passing make all of my feelings regarding her infidelity any better.
Any one got any sugestions / advice / etc?

Thanks.

 

[ZoGoZo]

Hi all.


Any one got any sugestions / advice / etc?

Thanks.

Threesome.

 

[CJontherocks]

I'm not convinced that her affair was a symptom of the condition of your marriage. I'm more apt to believe it was a symptom of her condition as a human being. So I wouldn't put too much fault on yourself is all I'm saying.

And time alone does not heal all wounds. My first wife cheated on me fairly early in our marriage and I forgave her and we moved on. But honestly, I fell back to it every time I got angry with her or came across an opportunity of my own. So you need to decide whether you think you can truly forgive her transgressions. Is your marriage worth saving? Do you stilll feel the same way about her as a person and as a partner? Do you believe she still feels the same way about you as a peron and as a partner? Can you accept that she is attracted to another woman? (Personally I think it's sexy as hell, but this ain't about me, and it's not my wife we're talking about... although I would come in my pants if my wife told me--without the infidelity of course--that she wanted another woman.)

I'm not trying to be negative, just trying to give you the bad news first. The good news is, you're still the same people. Yes, there's now something you know about her that you didn't know before. But remember when you were first discovering each other? How exciting it was to learn something new about each other and revel in your alikenesses and your differences? How wonderful to learn something still new about someone you thought you were all done learning. I know, the circumstances suck, and you do have the infidelity and hiding secrets to deal with. But honestly, we're all human. I'll bet if she thought she could talk openly with you about her feelings, she would have done so long ago. Don't be too hard on her because there but for the grace of God (or whatever your higher power is) go you. But don't sell yourself short either. You can either accept it or you can't.

Good luck, brother.

 

[cebalrai]

Communication breakdown... She (or you both) aren't getting your needs met in the marriage. So she looked elsewhere.

IMO, talk about what you need from your relationship, find ways to meet those needs, and DO THEM.

 

[kalalau]

I feel for you, Digger Dave. Your reality is certainly shaken. Perhaps something is lacking in your marriage, but more than likely its no more complicated than you not being a woman. I'm bisexual, pretty much right in the middle when it comes to loving men and women. I have had feelings for men since my early teenage years, but stuffed it down for decades. Not being able to be yourself is very painful and it caused me serious problems as time went on. Now that I'm actively bisexual, my life has opened up and I'm much happier. I was born this way, and had no part in its development. For your wife it may be a similar situation. She can't help who she is. Try to have feelings for her predicament. I guarantee that its not easy for her, either. Pause, don't do anything rash. She probably really does love you and your marriage. Remember, marriage is much more than sex. Perhaps you might give her a chance to be herself and things could work out just fine. Happy New Year!

 

[warrior queen]

i have zero sympathy.
regardless of the affair itself, you broke a HUGE trust bond by going through your wife's personal mobile phone.
that in itself speaks volumes about the relationship.
you have issues that go way beyond your wife having an affair.

 

[horus1953]

Two things Digger.

1. Your wife is human and she had/has needs an desires you and your marriage can't fill completely. I would not through away 20+ years over this. Nobody died, you still love each other. The way I see it, there's a possibility you want the marriage to end and are using this as a reason to start the process. Let her fill her needs and ask her what she needs from you.

2. I agree with "warrior queen" about your wife's cell phone. I don't check my wife's and she doesn't check mine. I even stopped checking my son's after he graduated HS. I just let him know my displeasure if his part of the bill is too high, and in a couple of years that will be his problem.

 

[human_male]

That's really terrible. My heart goes out to you. I don't know what I would do in your situation. It would be one thing if she was really repentant and swore it was over and it wouldn't happen again, but it doesn't sound like she's done that. I mean, what has she said other than she still loves this woman? Is she still carrying on the affair?

I don't think the fact that it's another woman is an issue. Cheating is cheating.

I don't know what you should do. I sympathise.

 

[human_male]

Two things Digger.

1. Your wife is human and she had/has needs an desires you and your marriage can't fill completely. I would not through away 20+ years over this. Nobody died, you still love each other. The way I see it, there's a possibility you want the marriage to end and are using this as a reason to start the process. Let her fill her needs and ask her what she needs from you.

2. I agree with "warrior queen" about your wife's cell phone. I don't check my wife's and she doesn't check mine. I even stopped checking my son's after he graduated HS. I just let him know my displeasure if his part of the bill is too high, and in a couple of years that will be his problem.

He's using his wife's infidelity as an excuse to end his marriage?

 

[DiggerDave]

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies.

Just a few points:

1/ I did not intentionally look at my wifes phone in a prying way to check up on her, that thought never crossed my mind. She left her phone at home lying on the settee. ( she has never left her phone lying around before) It received a text which I thought may be important such as from her work so I picked the text up - it was actually from her lover just saying that she had made her a mug of tea for when she arrived at work. Underneath the text was the list of other recent texts which on her phone starts with the first line. Obviously I couldn't help seeing these title lines which were of an intimate nature i.e 'missing you' or ' I love you'

Human nature being human nature I started to open the texts. I know that some may see this as wrong and an infringement upon her privacy etc but I did and cannot change that.

2/ I have been married over 20 years and do not want to use her infidelity as a reason to end the marriage as some have suggested. I do still love her and do not want to break up over this, and also for the sake of a family unit for our children.

3/ I am having trouble dealing with what has happened even though I found out five weeks ago. The main issue is the feelings surounding the fact that my wife tells me that she is in love with this woman and still sees her every day at work and still texts her. I am trying to understand her needs buit although I believe my wife has terminated the physical side of her relationship with this woman I cannot understand how after all that has happened she can openly be close friends with her.

4/ I posted origianly to see if anyone else had dealt with a similar situation.

5/ Obviously we have been talking about these issues and the future but so much is unresolved. No one else i.e. family or work colleagues is aware of the situation so I feel particulary isolated as there is no one that I can talk this over with.


Once again thanks for the above comments that have been posted up on thius thread.

 

[Albee]

Hi Digger Dave.

I just want to say, give yourself a break on all accounts.

First, issues of privacy are complicated in marraige. We let our spouses see things that would mortify us should they become public. We want our spouses to know about things we don't tell them. And we all snoop.

My point isn't that you were snooping when you looked at the cell phone (you were trying to help your wife). But what the hell? Some spouses hire private investigators.

Mutual awareness is part of what sets boundaries in marraiges. Like in your case.

Now you know that your wife is doing something you don't like-- and that's outside the reasonable rules of your marraige agreement.

Of course I know little about your relationship, but it doesn't sound like either of you want to end things.

But just because your wife is sleeping with a woman doesn't mean she loves you any less. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis fling to prove she's still attractive. Maybe it's a grasp at youthful romantic love (I don't give a shit what anybody says, it comes and goes in a long marraige-- and as we get older it goes more than it did before.) Maybe she has been wondering about sex with a woman since she was 14, and just had to find out. Or maybe this is something she needs to be sexually fulfilled.

You know, you could sit back and enjoy it. For some men, it would be a dream come true. For others, a nightmare. Whatever floats your boat.

Maybe it's something you have to bear with because it doesn't reflect any pragmatic change in your relationship with your wife (did things change in the time between her starting and your finding out?). Perhaps your wife won't stop even if you ask her to, or the situation is less important to you than it is to her.

Or maybe you have to give her a demand or even an ultimatum that she must stop or you'll split.

I'm not trying to make you a saint here. I'm sure you've done as much to fuck up your marraige as the rest of us.

But you seem to be acting like a good guy here. It's not a simple situation. Good luck in figuring out what to do.

 

[Markie100]

Hi Dave

Just wondering how upset your wife got when she found out you knew of her affair, if she did not get that upset maybe she is over the marriage (hope not for your sake)

if she is really committed to the marriage I would say to her, she must find another job away from this woman. Seeing her everyday at work is not going to help your situation at all.

 

[skinneydip]

Wishing you the best...

 

[pnutty]

i have zero sympathy.
regardless of the affair itself, you broke a HUGE trust bond by going through your wife's personal mobile phone.
that in itself speaks volumes about the relationship.
you have issues that go way beyond your wife having an affair.

fuck that noise. he's the one who got cheated on, and he's the bad guy for finding out about it? it's not like he was following her 24/7; he just picked up her phone and noticed something suspicious.

unless there's more to the story, he didn't willingly bring this upon them. regardless of how accommodating or not he might have been, she chose not to communicate her needs with him and ran off and did shit behind his back.

in any sort of partnership or relationship you don't do things without discussing them first. if you want to run off and do whatever the hell you want to do without consequence then you need to end the relationship so the other person won't be affected by your actions.

if she wanted to be with a woman she should have discussed it with him or separated/divorced him beforehand. cheating on him is completely disrespectful.

 

[wayfarm]

i have zero sympathy.
regardless of the affair itself, you broke a HUGE trust bond by going through your wife's personal mobile phone.
that in itself speaks volumes about the relationship.
you have issues that go way beyond your wife having an affair.

WOW! Guy finds out his wife is having an affair and you point to the method in which he found out? I'm baffled.

Dave your relationship is in a rough patch. I hope that ensuing outcome is one that is formed in trust and full disclosure.

I have found sound advice on this board before, and some...baffling input as above.

I wish you well.

 

[lastingpassion]

Stay with love....

If you love your wife as you mention you do since knowing of her affair...... then act with that love for her, in everyway she needs from you. Love is precious when acceptance is embraced (no matter the reason). Most of us are afraid to be honest at times for fear of losing what we have; however, love goes beyond any human weakness...... Be more now for her so that she will know you are with her, and that your love is real. Her needs and yours may change over time...... but your love should not change.

 

[simplegirl]

I find it curious that some state that they would be turned on by the thought of their wife having an affair with another woman. Sure, I agree that initially, it may sound erotic, but don't forget that this constitutes a breach of trust (he wasn't party to the fact), and a breach of the relationship (she went outside the marriage not only for "recreational" sex but also for emotional attachment...something a husband has a right to feel cheated out of, IMO)...and the lack of trust in confiding in him.

I don't see this as her lover being male or female. If it happened to me, it would tear my heart out. I would want a chance to help my husband and marriage BEFORE any cheating occured. If he felt tempted, felt I wasn't meeting his needs, etc... I would hope to hell he would talk to me about it so we could discuss it, and we could both go from there.

DiggerDave, I would suggest marriage counselling. If she won't go with you, go by yourself. You need to work things out and see how you're willing to proceed. You received a huge emotional blow and it's going to take considerable time and soul searching to heal.

 

[limplizzard]

I have a question for you Digger, have you ever cheated or even thought about cheating on you wife? For some reasom a guy that plays around is just a guy and they can't help themselfs. My wife had an affair with another woman and after thinking about it I was glad it wasn't with another guy. she still sees her lover which I have gotten use to. I know the other woman and we are good friends. GOOD LUCK