My very first post

[Roselisabeth]

And my very first submission here at Literotica.
My poem is currently pending and I'm just looking for someone to let me know what they think. Some feedback would be great.

____________
Master
____________



At first, a tight sensation gripped at my insides,
Forcing all my muscles tremble.
Feverously needing the strength in your eyes.
Needing nothing more than to feel able.
Your whispers expect my up most attention,
Dominating words, with such an inviting appeal.
Both of Your hands now smoothing my figure,
Soothing me into another state of mind.
My thoughts wonder elsewhere,
As our bodies become intertwined.
Your powers are beyond compare,
With you, I submit fully.
Realizing that with you, I’m in my right mind.
I am without a care.
Yours truly.

 

[Guest]

And my very first submission here at Literotica.
My poem is currently pending and I'm just looking for someone to let me know what they think. Some feedback would be great.

____________
Master
____________



At first, a tight sensation gripped at my insides,
Forcing all my muscles tremble.
Feverously needing the strength in your eyes.
Needing nothing more than to feel able.
Your whispers expect my up most attention,
Dominating words, with such an inviting appeal.
Both of Your hands now smoothing my figure,
Soothing me into another state of mind.
My thoughts wonder elsewhere,
As our bodies become intertwined.
Your powers are beyond compare,
With you, I submit fully.
Realizing that with you, I’m in my right mind.
I am without a care.
Yours truly.

I am sending you a PM.

 

[Roselisabeth]

for Tristesse! Thanks again. I am new to writing, so an editor is a great idea.
Thanks for showing me my errors!


At first, a tight sensation gripped my insides,
Forcing all my muscles to tremble.
Needing the strength in your eyes.
Needing nothing more than to feel able.
Your whispers demand my total attention,
Dominating words, with such an inviting appeal.
Both of Your hands now smoothing my figure,
Soothing me into another state of mind.
My thoughts wander elsewhere,
As our bodies become intertwined.
Your powers are beyond compare,
With you, I submit fully.
Realizing that with you,
I’m in my right mind.
I am without a care.
Yours truly.

 

[HomerPindar]

Howdy, and welcome aboard, Roselisabeth (is that one person with three names or three people with one name? )

I've got just one line here I want to draw attention to:

Your powers are beyond compare

First, cliche.
Second, a comparison of nothing. If one's powers are beyond compare then really, why mention it? If there's nothing to be said, there's no comparison to be made, right?
Third, what powers? If you have a supernatural lover in your life, by all means - details

This isn't meant to be harsh, hope I don't sound it (really, I'm a wimp), this is meant to draw attention to how you use words, and hopefully encourage you to keep at it. It is fun, after you get use to that headache from banging your head against the wall, table or what have you. (I use a specially crafted brick, as my landlord got tired of the dents in the walls and the ruined tables)

HomerPindar

 

[thenry]

I agree. It seems very impersonal, very generic. For this reason I think you would be better served describing the relationship in the third person instead of the first. If you're going to talk about your on relationship, you ought to make it more personal.

I realize after just typing that it might feel entirely personal to you, however, if you are concerned with how it *reads* then you should break out of your viewpoint. You have a great sense for sound, and shouldn't spend it on cliché.

On a completely structural note. The last three lines should be condensed into one. They are redundant otherwise.

 

[Roselisabeth]

Not at all. I am happy to take all the criticism I can get. I'm very new to writing (year since I first started writing) but I love it so much.
Thanks.

Oh and I managed to get my poem corrected before it was approved.
( other than the few broken up lines in the ending. )