My Ten Rules of Being a Driver.

[ABSTRUSE]

This is my personal driving rant, feel free to add your own.




My Ten Rules of Being on the Road.
1. If you don't have a pulse, don't get behind the wheel.

2. If you can't drive the big truck (Ford owners esp.) Don't fricken buy it.

3. Those reflective things are called mirrors, learn to use them.

4. Turn signals are not an option with a vehicle, they are a standard part of the car. I am not the amazing Kresky and can read your mind when you drift off the road in front of me.

5. Put the fucking phone down.

6 If you think it's smart to use your little car to cut me off, shit happens......A watermelon rolling down a hill behind a pea cannot stop on a dime, either can I with my truck.

7. Mini-van drivers must take extra care, since a stipulation to purchase one requires a portion of your brain as a downpayment.

8. I will get out of my vehicle, rip your muffler off and shove it up your ass in front of your wife and kids.

9. Mentally handicapped does not entitle you to that space, move it or lose it.
Parking like a selfish bastard will only force me to have to park so close to your door you will have to enter through the passenger side door.

10. Yeild means one of us has the right of way, if I'm already on the highway, that means you don't.

 

[lewdandlicentious]

Hold your breath!!!!


Oh sorry, DRIVING!!!!

 

[Edward Teach]

This is my personal driving rant, feel free to add your own.




My Ten Rules of Being on the Road.
1. If you don't have a pulse, don't get behind the wheel.

2. If you can't drive the big truck (Ford owners esp.) Don't fricken buy it.

3. Those reflective things are called mirrors, learn to use them.

4. Turn signals are not an option with a vehicle, they are a standard part of the car. I am not the amazing Kresky and can read your mind when you drift off the road in front of me.

5. Put the fucking phone down.

6 If you think it's smart to use your little car to cut me off, shit happens......A watermelon rolling down a hill behind a pea cannot stop on a dime, either can I with my truck.

7. Mini-van drivers must take extra care, since a stipulation to purchase one requires a portion of your brain as a downpayment.

8. I will get out of my vehicle, rip your muffler off and shove it up your ass in front of your wife and kids.

9. Mentally handicapped does not entitle you to that space, move it or lose it.
Parking like a selfish bastard will only force me to have to park so close to your door you will have to enter through the passenger side door.

10. Yeild means one of us has the right of way, if I'm already on the highway, that means you don't.

Having a bad day on the freeway, Abs?

What about those assholes who have a car that is so precious they feel justified in using two parking spaces to keep you from parking close to them.

Those who pass you then slow down. GRRR.

I'm gonna quit now before I get my bp up, damnit Abs.


Eddie The Irritated

 

[Guest]

Hold your breath!!!!


Oh sorry, DRIVING!!!!

Yep, Abs made no mention of twats in her post, or muffs.

 

[cloudy]

(copied from Abstrusions)

Corrollaries for Northern Drivers in the South - added to Abs' list of rules:

1a. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean that we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

2a. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

3a. Most Southerners don't use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

4a. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

5a. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the position of key hills, trees, and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself

 

[Edward Teach]

(copied from Abstrusions)

Corrollaries for Northern Drivers in the South - added to Abs' list of rules:

1a. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean that we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

2a. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

3a. Most Southerners don't use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

4a. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

5a. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the position of key hills, trees, and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself

Cloudy, these are untrue stereotypes and you know it. Just to clear things up:

1 a. It snows three days a year.

2a. I carry a full case of beer. Twelve packs are for yankee sissies.

3a. I would use my turn signals except the two year old used car I bought came from up north and the turn signals and horn are worn out.

4a. I learned on a Farmall, thank you very much.

5a. Well, bridges, creeks, fences, and cemetaries help too.



Eddie The Reb

 

[Guest]

 

[damppanties]

If your view of the road is bound by the arc between the dash board and the top of the steering wheel, don't drive.

Oops!

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Don't forget, up North we keep our guns under the seat, where Y'all proudly display yours in the back windows.

Thanks Lime, you nailed that one!

http://www.addis-welt.de/smilie/smilie/auto/Tractor.gif

 

[rgraham666]

Can't contribute. I don't drive.

I would rather do something safe, like patrol duty in Fallujah.

 

[Huckleman2000]

What I learned in 18 months of driving in Philadelphia: If you've been cut off, it's clear that you're leaving far too much distance between your vehicle and the one in front of you. Learn how to drive, dickhead!

 

[cantdog]

Huckleman's right. You don't have to actually tailgate, but you will be a lot safer if you close it up. If it looks like there's a space in front of you, someone will cut into it.

Most people put in a long time driving, constantly being put at risk by folks cutting them off, before they finally wise up and close that gap. Spend day after day with people cutting in front of them, when the solution is so simple.

Another big one no one ever seems to figure out: backing into parking spaces and driveways. You'll have to back into the empty, traffic-free parking space or driveway, or else the street. Which do you suppose is safer? In my circle, it is a mark of intelligence to back in and come at the traffic when you can see it. But nearly everyone noses into their drive and counts on the kindness and alertness of strangers to re-enter the road. Just refusal to learn, is all it is. Most people don't think through the simplest things! They risk their ass and mine every day.

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

For the Californians:

11) If you believe your SUV doesn't have to notice my little foreign car, then you will be treated to my full range of punitive countermeasures until you learn to see small cars...and you'll still be behind me.

12) If I'm already over 15 mph over the speed limit on a two-lane highway and still think I'm going too slow for you. I'd be all too happy to speed up....when you're in the right hand lane trying to pass.

13) Shaving your leg hairs while e-conferencing, nuking Vietnam, having sex with twins, and playing a game of Risk IS NOT acceptable car behavior, especially on the highway.

14) For Californians. If it's less than a mile away, bike or walk, you tub of a lard.

15) Your horn will not make traffic move. In fact, the sound of the horn will anger God and make him take longer to undo the traffic jam. And you'll deserve it asshole.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

5. Put the fucking phone down.

When its pried out of my cold, dead fingers.

But as for the South, nail on the head perfect.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Parking like a selfish bastard will only force me to have to park so close to your door you will have to enter through the passenger side door.

 

[cantdog]

the Roger Bannister rule

I use the Roger Bannister Rule. Roger was the first human to post a mile run under four minutes. A four-minute pace is fifteen miles an hour. If someone is moving slower than that, they are, by the Rule standard, a parked vehicle.

You can, of course, just go around parked vehicles. Anyone doing that is reading house numbers or something anyway.



If you are going to participate in the traffic, this is good; but if you want to spectate, get a bench. Do Not Even Leave the House Without A Destination. Destinations are important to the rest of us. Drive as though you actually had somewhere to go and mean to get there.



If you won't pick a lane and get into it, it is the responsibility of the driver behind you to pick one for you. She will decide you're in lane x and come by you in lane y. Not the lane you wanted? What a pity; guess you should Pick A Lane And Get Into The Motherfucker.

When someone is turning left and not at an intersection, it is like a winnowing machine. It separates the sheep from the human beings. Human beings are conscious that the traffic ought to move and simply go around the fellow turning left. Sheep line up behind him, sometimes bleating softly to themselves.


cantdog

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

Ted's Additions :

1. When someone in the other lane is signaling, they are trying to tell you they are moving over just ahead of you. They are not pointing out a gap in traffic you must speed up and close.

2. Baby on Board Signs does transfer blame for all accidents to the other party.

3. I don't give a rat's ass how your kid is doing in school, what idiot your voting for or where you've been on vacation.

4. Personalized or theme plates tell the world you feel you don't pay enough taxes.

5. So you've got a $40,000 classic you only drive on weekends. How sweet. I've got a quarter of a million dollar combine I use two weeks out of the year.

(OK-I don't. But that was in an joke e-mail I remember)

6. Failing to maintain your vehicle might save you a hundred bucks, but you just cost 3000 people an hour each when your car breaks down on the San Mateo Bay Bridge.

So that guy didn't get to see his dying mother in the hospital before she went. You saved a $100.

 

[Guest]

He who is lost, hesitates.

He who hesitates, sits while I go through the intersection.

 

[Belegon]

2a. I carry a full case of beer. Twelve packs are for yankee sissies.

Eddie The Reb

Brilliant!

 

[Belegon]

Sometimes kids get it right...

first time my daughter saw a yellow Hummer H2, she said.

"Look Daddy, a school bus!"

California Rules.

If your car can't do eighty-five, it does not belong on the freeway. That whole 65 mph limit thing is just to get revenue for the police.

Quit getting pissed off when a motorcycle white lines thru a traffic jam. They are doing you a favor by reducing the # of vehicles caught in traffic.

Cops should not chase speeders doing a 100 mph. all this does is double the number of vehicles going a dangerous speed.

(pet peeve) there are times when speed limits make sense. 50 mph is not intelligent in a residential area where children may be about.

changing lanes ten times in a quarter-mile will not get you home any faster at 5 pm.

To the 85 lb woman driving the Escalade and the 300 lb one driving the Miata...TRADE!

 

[cheerful_deviant]

2a. I carry a full case of beer. Twelve packs are for yankee sissies.

Eddie The Reb

Don't make me go Sherman on your ass!

CD The Yank

 

[millennium_bard]

And let us not forget the elderly drivers.

You know the ones, they are the drivers of those cars that are doing 15 MPH down the freeway, blissfully ignoring the honking horns and curses of those other motorists either caught behind them or forced to swerve into another lane to avoid a collision.

(easy enough for them since they have likely forgotten to replace the batteries in their hearing aids)

Hints for the older drivers:

If your turn signal has been flashing ever since you made that left turn 20 miles ago, turn the damn thing off!

If you get confused about which way to go, do not stop that land yacht in the middle of an intersection while you try to cudgel your senile brain into deciding which way to turn.

Coming to a dead stop in the middle of the freeway during rush hour because you can't remember if you turned off the TV when you left the house is a BAD idea.

If you see an emergency vehicle behind you with it's lights and siren on, pull to the side and slow down or stop.
That is the law in all 50 US states.
Hunching over the steering wheel and hoping that the ambulance/fire truck/police car will go away is not an acceptable response.
And you are just delaying help getting to someone who needs it.

Lastly, if you sit through 10 green lights at an intersection because you can't remember which one is the accellerator pedal, I will likely put my truck into 4WD and push you across the intersection and out of the way.

 

[RebeccaLeah]

2 additions...

1. To further harp on the turning signals - If I have been riding your ass in the right lane for the past 5 miles, it's because I'm waiting for you to follow your damn directional and pass the slow poke I assume is in front of you. If that slow poke is you however and you're just so damn stupid that you don't know to turn off the turning signal, expect me to lose my patience and blow by your slow ass and be a little ticked off about it. Grrrrr.

2. To the trucks and SUVs out there - Just because your high beams shine through my fucking car, it doesn't mean they help me see better at night. Turn the fucking things down when I pass you!

 

[cloudy]

For those who don't already know it, I drive a trans am, and I drive very fast...

Yes, that is my engine you hear behind you, and yes, chances are I can blow you off the road. Don't make yourself look like an idiot and try to speed up as I pass you. This is one race you will not win - ever. You will only make me go even faster, and make yourself look even worse, as I blow by you.