My story

[ESH419]

Just the other day i posted my first story here. (woo! go me!) I was just wondering on various things i could do to make the next one better and figured if i specifically asked here, i'd get more sudgestions. =P

Anyways. I kinda think the end is a bit rushed. But that is because I was managing the assets a bit and needed to hurry up and type out the last bit for other things. >=P

But yeah. Here's the link - http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=81291 - it's based on just a day dream fantasy that had been mulling around in my head for a few days.

-ESH419

 

[TheEarl]

Sorry, I don't have time to read your story at the moment, although I'll try to later. IMHO the best place to get helpful advice is the Story Discussion Circle on the Boards. It'll take a while for your story to get reviewed, but when it is, you get very helpful advice.

The Earl

 

[hiddenself]

Great skill, lightweight story

Me thinks you know how to handle the English language. Well. You have skill and come across as a confident writer, yet not over-reaching.

I did pick up some little things, but I would still give you a 5 on technical proficiency (IMO, in the top 1% of all writers here at Lit on this aspect).

"Managing" or "playing the assets" sounded oh so weird. But that's only me.

"Those band shirts always hinted at, but never quite showed, her 33 C breasts."
Well, shirts can not "show" breasts. Did you mean "show off"?

"He was all set to watch half the movie before the unavoidable stirrings in his pants took his mind from the movie and over to Mia."
This seems correct but it simply doesn't sound right. Maybe "before... would take his mind" might be better?

"Nick as suspicions that she knew full well what she was doing to him because"
Huh?

The storyline was clean, simple, and youthful (fresh, playful, unpretentious). The problem was that there was no intensity. It brought a smile to my face but there was no emotional grip. It was lightweight. I know it was supposed to be that way and I enjoyed it much more in the second reading. But it did not leave me saying whow.

That said, I'd like to read more from you -- maybe a different style. We will see...

hs