My Story

[smoulderin]

I'd like your help.

I'd like to see how many votes I'll receive! I wrote this story, but it took me a long time, due to getting myselfe off! so.... please help me ! I'd like your honest opinion as to what you think of it. vote and or send me a note. That says you really liked it! so I'll know that you had fun reading it, as much as I had fun writing it.

The story is the link below.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=80006

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

smoulderin,

Here's the good news. Your grammar and spelling are both way above average and the story flowed smoothly.

--

Here's the bad news. Your story is in second person. Along with many others on this site, I don't like second person. So keep that prejudice in mind while reading the rest of my feedback.

IMHO, your paragraphs are too long-especially for something that will be read on a computer. Folks reading text on a computer screen prefer shorter paragraphs.

The same goes for sentences. You had one that was 85 words long. That's not wrong. However, it's easy to lose readers in sentences of that length.

As I mentioned, your grammar was very good. However, there were a few sentence fragments, such as: "Wearing only a smile on his face and the key in his hand that I had given him to use."

There were also a few spots where you used a comma when a semi-colon would have worked better. But in comparison to most posts on this site, that's nothing.

As for your storyline, well, IMHO, there wasn't one. What you wrote was a vignette, something like a Letter to Penthouse, that was little more than a blow-by-blow account of an evening in this couple's life. Granted, it was a very interesting evening, but there was no conflict, no character developement, etc.

--

I hope you'll continue to write and post. But next time, please consider using third or first person and give us a story. You're too good, and have too much potential, to just chronicle events.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[smoulderin]

Thank you very much.

I take this as a very big compliment as english is my second languange.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

If English is your second language, you have much to be proud of. I dodn't really notice anything wrong with your use of language. (Well, there was a "your" for "you're", but that's no big deal.) You also switch from future tense (I'll draw a bath...) to present tense (You come in...) in the same paragraph. What bothers me about this story is not the language and grammar though.

You said in your note above that you had a lot of fun writing this story, and it's obvious why that was. This isn't really a story so much as it is your own personal fantasy, and it reads like your personal fantasy. That's fine for you, but does it work for other readers?

Rumple already mentioned the general antipathy here for second person stories and I have to agree. There are several reasons why second person isn't a popular voice for a story. One reason is that it's too easy to write stories that are just personal fantasies like this. What's bad about that is you never have to tell us exactly what you find exciting about this. I know, you'd say you find the whole thing exciting, but erotica's all about exageration. Find those things that specifically turn you on and really get into them, explore them, describe them.

The second problem with second person is that it puts the reader in an awkward position. You keep on telling us what we will do and how we will react, and after a while we might start to disagree. I know, that sounds strange, but that's how a readers' mind works, if only on a subconscious level. I actually found it annoying after a while to be told what I was doing.

Another big problem with second voice is that it makes it easy for the author to ignore the details that make a story really come alive. The author already knows how she & the person she's writing to will react and what they'll feel, and so theu tend to omit those details. That makes the story come out like a laundry list of things-to-do. "I'll do this and you'll do that. Then I'll do that and you'll do this." What you lose is the concrete details that make the scene live, that put the reader there and make him or her see and experience what you're describing.

For instance, it's not enough to say that you'll put his cock in your mouth. What we really want to see is how you do it; if there's a wicked little grin on your face when you do it or whether your eyes are half closed in passion, whether you slide him in softly or just eat him up ravenously. These little descriptions make all the difference in the world. They're what make a scene come to life in a reader's mind.

You and your lover obviously know who Sophie and Mark are. We don't. At first that bothered me; I thought you owed us at least a brief description. But after thinking about it I found it kind of refreshing.

You don't seem to have any trouble with the writing itself. I think you just have to try writing in a different voice and concentrating more on the details and you'll turn out some first rate stuff.

---dr.M.

 

[TrinaT]

Like the others, I too have a problem with the second person style and I also agree that the paragraphs are far to long for reading on the computer. If there are any distractions while reading its easy to lose one's place in the paragraph.

I have just posted my second story and found a big change in style from my first. Believe me, I'm far from perfect but you are looking for feedback.

Keep up the good work.

TrinaT