My story

[marshallrinkes]

Hi everyone my name is Marshall. I have published two chapters in a hopefully longer series. The name is called The Business Agreement. It's about a younger secretary fucking her older boss. I love reading boss secretary stories so I decided to right my own. It has a few elements on sub and Dom and will continue in that direction. Let me know what you think. Also follow me on twitter @marshallrinkes1 thanks in advance.

Marshall

 

[sr71plt]

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-business-agreement

 

[Tigersman]

I just finished reading chapter one. I liked your plot and character development. I didn't see any consistency problems but you definitely need an editor. I found where you meant 'cheery' but used 'cherry' to name just one instance of wrong word usage. Spellcheck only tells the author if the word they used is spelled correctly, not if the word is the wrong word.

 

[8letters]

My thoughts:
* A large amount of narrative summary at the beginning to set the stage is boring. Much better to dribble in that background as the main characters talk
* Your set up makes no sense. Kailey is smoking hot, loves sex and hasn't had a date in the seven years she's worked for Dan. She's super happy in a low-paying job with no ambition to move on to something higher. She's just waiting patiently for Dan to say, "Let's fuck". Dan's near frigid wife isn't worried about her husband spending all day with a smoking hot young woman who would receive a huge financial boost by becoming the next Mrs. Stevens
* DD tits? Groan. Porn movies are more realistic

Lots of people loved your story. 4.61 is a great score for a first story. But it's not for me.

 

[KayceeCharles]

As others said, you need an editor. One mistake I noticed at a quick glance is you used "peak" when you meant "peek". There's also "whipped her face off" when I'm sure you meant "wiped". There are probably dozen more like it hidden somewhere.

Also, the setup is a bit... far-fetched.

She's smart, sexy, sweet, but does NOT want to f*** her boss, but will talk sex with him all day based on all her previous partners, presumably more her age? WTF? You better tell us WHY she won't bone him other than "he's married". That doesn't make sense, even the wife wasn't scared? Why don't you make Carly Kailey's aunt or something like that? THAT would definitely make "uncle Dan" off limits.

And there needs to be a better reason other than he showed up at her door needing a pity fuck for her to change her mind. People don't change their mind just like that.

Dan's position is a little more believalble. Shock of wife seeing someone else may be what pushed him to go after Kailey.

Kailey's behavior and motivations are... not believable, IMHO. She's just a convenient temptation first, fuck toy second. She has NO motivation for anything. that I can see.

 

[Bramblethorn]

* DD tits? Groan. Porn movies are more realistic

DD is realistic; it's actually pretty common. (Take any 'survey' by lingerie retailers with a hefty grain of salt, but I know plenty of DD women.) For some reason a lot of guys use "DD" as shorthand for "huge breasts" without having any idea of what it looks like IRL.

The issue there is more that many readers get turned off by character descriptions based on cup size, realistic or no. (And others like them. Can't please everybody.)

 

[KayceeCharles]

After reading through about 100 romances in the past month and a half, plus misc erotica, I have to say that the good ones never seem to mention actual sizes.

The average ones go vaguely descriptive like "he was larger than she imagined and for a moment she feared she cannot fit it in" or "she was more voluptuous than he had estimated", but that's pretty amateur porn.

The good ones are more like

"his arms pinned her to his chest, and she can feel those hard muscles at her back, but she had no fear. He breathed hard next to her ear, the hot breath sent a surge of heat through her ear past her scalp, made her tingle with anticipation. He growled in her ear, 'You have no idea how much effect you have on me., woman...' She could feel his bulge touching her behind. 'I am going to nibble on her earlobe... I am going to lick your jawline... I am going to cup your breasts and thumb your nipples...' Her pulse quickened...'

Specific sizes were rarely if ever mentioned.

 

[DreamCloud]

You lost me in the initial narrative. Reading a textbook isn't enjoyable.

It is usually better to slow down and let your characters tell their story. If you're having trouble, write in first-person and it becomes mandatory.