My Story "Something New"

[badegg_07]

HELLO ALL!! I'm a new writer on here and I was just wondering what everyone thought about my first story...please but kind but do tell me how you feel about it even if you don't think its very good. THANK YOU SSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOO MUCH!!! I just want to better my stories so I was hoping you all could help!!!

Within you I find myself lost. Without you I find myself wanting to be lost again.

 

[RetchingHearts]

Is there a link to your story? I'd love to read it if I could only find it!

 

[silversword]

Link to the story

Something New


Hope this helps you get a few more responces


silver

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Your story was nice, a little short though. It could have been much better with more description adn more showing not telling. For instance,

Jane was naked from the waist down. Katherine ran her hands over her lower stomach, continuing down and spread her thighs. She had decided it would be best to trim the hair first. So, before anything else she attended to that task carefully, trimming it as close as possible

Here it would have been good to show how Jane felt about Kat touching her. You made Jane sound nervous about it happening so an insight to her emotions would have been great. Also it wouldn't hurt to go into a bit more detail about the trimming. something like:
Jane was naked from the waist down, her normally creamy flesh now flushed as she lay nervously on the couch. Her heart raced, her mouth dry as sand as she lay waiting for her first shave.
Katherine ran her hands over her lower stomach, tenderly, touching so lightly it made Jane shiver involuntarily. Continuing down Katherine spread her thighs, keeping her eyes locked on the patch of fine, curly hairs between Jane's legs. Katherine's fingers stroked her inner thighs gently, running from her mid thigh up to where it met her puffy lips, trying to relax her.

You could go on and on like this with almost every paragraph. Just add more description and let us feel what they are feeling, see what they are seeing, smell what they are smelling. I am assuming that you wanted this shaving to be an erotic act. Make it so by giving us all the erotic details of the how and whens.

The story it's self is good, just give it a little more

Hope this helps.

Wicked

 

[badegg_07]

Thanks for that Wicked...I appreciate it...and I definately think that your little part there was WAY better then mine. lol.
Oh yea and thanks for everyone elses thoughts and putting the link on there to my story. I knew there was something I forgot to do. HEHE!

 

[Rainbow Skin]

On the whole well structured and rightly paced. Nothing much wrong with the language.

Here's something that bugs me slightly, and which is common in many stories here. I'll exaggerate the effect they seem to have:

Jane pushed her curly, blonde hair out of her face

... but left her straight black fringe hanging over her eyes

and placed her mane of dark, brown hair on Jane's chest

... and her auburn wig over Jane's belly

Looking up with her penetrating, green eyes

... while keeping her duller, brown ones focused on the carpet

This isn't a particularly natural way to introduced these snippets of description. Her eyes aren't more than usually or noticeably green when looking up; the colour of the hair doesn't affect what she does with it.

The easy way out is to briefly describe each person. Better is to sneak the descriptions in, like this, but in a way that actually affects the tone of the story: She ran her hand through her curls as she brushed it away, glinting warmly in the firelight. (Televisionlight just doesn't hack it, does it?)

And here, instead of the eyes just being (pointlessly) penetrating and green, you could have someone see that they are:


Looking up she confessed, "I was thinking maybe we could do something a little different tonight."

"Oh yea? What's that?" Jane answered, meeting those penetrating green eyes with a raised eyebrow.


Now for a compliment on style:


Jane was laying on the couch, on top of the towel of course, waiting patiently for Katherine to come back when she came walking through the doorway. A pair of scissors, another towel, the razor, shaving cream, and a bowl of water accompanied her. Kneeling next to the couch, placing everything on the floor, she questioned, "Are you ready?" Jane answered yes, followed by another shudder that shook her entire body.


This is good, this is complex, with foreground and background. Instead of just 'Jane did this. Katherine did that', you have 'was laying', 'when she came walking', 'kneeling' followed by 'placing', and so on; as well as a list of items each with its separate determiner ('a pair of', 'another', 'the', none, 'a bowl of'). You know how to give your sentences variety, and how to connect them. Too many people don't.

(One problem with that paragraph however is that you can't use 'question' as if it were just 'ask'. You question a suspect or a policy, but not "the actual words".)

 

[RetchingHearts]

Great story, although I agree it was a bit short. Maybe next time you can add a few more descriptions and emotions. Keep up the good work!