My Story...Office Welcome

[Shoshisexy]

I am a new person on this site...this is my first posting. I would like any and all feedback you feel I need to become a better write. I realized after I posted the story that it might have belonged under a different heading, but we al learn from mistakes.

I am a natural-born editor, so I am willing to listen to consructive criticism as well as the good stuff. Just in case I made a mistake with the url: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=122357

The title is Office Welcome by Shoshisexy

Thank you!!!!!

 

[Shoshisexy]

Hmmmm...well...Now I have a second story.

I have a second story up called A Night at the Movies. I think. *LOL* It is a collaboration with a friend of mine. Please tell me what y'all think.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read your "Office" story.

It's a neat little story, but I would suggest you lose the second-person point of view and concentrate on writing either in first person (I/him) or third person (he/she). There are a lot of people here who will stop reading as soon as they see that “I/you” business, and I’m usually one of them. I know that second-person stories are fun to write and can be hot to read if you’re the “you” they’re talking about, but for most other readers, it’s a little disconcerting to be told what we’re doing and how we react to things.

That being said, your story shows a good erotic imagination, and the situation you describe has a lot of erotic potential—making love while his former lover listens in on a speaker phone—but I think it would have been better had you been able to describe just how that made you feel, because I wasn’t sure whether you got off on the idea of being overheard or whether it was the revenge factor, or both.

I also think you should have cut some of that detail about how you met, since it has little to do with the main sex scene.

Writing in first or third person will also force you to concentrate more on the details, include more description and maybe make things more visual, which is always a good thing in porn.

---dr.M.

 

[Shoshisexy]

Thank you so much for replying! And for taking the time to really think through what I wrote. I think it would have done better had I put it into the romance section.

I will think about what you said about the first/second/third person point of view. I have always thought it more interesting to read erotica that I could place myself in.

As for cutting the opening about how they met and all that...well...I don't consider what I write to be porn, so I don't race into the sex scenes quite as fast as some. I prefer a bit of build-up and of characterization. Plus, I may continute this story-line at a future date...One would need to know who the characters were.

Thanks again!!!!!!!

Shoshana

 

[Shoshisexy]

Oopsy! Double post!!!!!



Shoshana

 

[SouthSkyEyes]

Office Welcome

Shoshisexy ...

You're clearly "NOT-so-shy," in exposing your sexy imagination in "Office Welcome."

I won't repeat here the critique I shared in private but I'll say again ...

I enjoyed your story - glad to have come upon it ... well, mostly glad. Mostly, I say, because I'm sure there will be those office meetings at clients that trigger my erotic imagination to recall "Office Welcome," leaving me groping to hide my arousal.

Thanks for the memories Shoshi' ... thanks a lot ;-)

Looking forward to reading your next story.

SouthSkyEyes

 

[Shoshisexy]

Thanks again, sky. I really appreciated your critique and the discussion we had.



Shoshana