My skin is in the way

[Softlead]

My skin is in the way

It wants to split open
to mix its blood with the sweet water that gorges cherries
that inflates the transparencies of grapes
and stuffs every plum to its ripeness.

It wants to mix its bones with seed.
It want to be alive again.

It wants its rebirth
its new breadth to have flickered
in the vertical leaf blades of yuccas
quivering in the breeze.

It hangs from my hands at my sides.
It shades my breathing.

I want to be just as alive as the ripened fruit
inside whose skin my blood takes up a liquid residence.
I want no end to this death.
My skin is in the way.

Softlead

 

[Angeline]

Ok, that's it! I'm officially in love with your poetry (oh shush you other poets, so I'm a pushover, so what). Like your other posting, this one is alive and optimistic--somewhat more earthy, though.

A few suggestions:

You need a period at the end of line 1 of the poem.

____________________


It wants to split open
to mix its blood with the sweet water that gorges cherries

Great vivid imagery, but...your skin's blood? How about:

"to mix my blood with..." ?
___________________

that inflates the transparencies of grapes
and stuffs every plum to its ripeness.

"that" and "its" both seem superfluous to me--you'd have a tighter poem without them I think
___________________

It want to be alive again.

"wants"
___________________

It wants its rebirth
its new breadth to have flickered
in the vertical leaf blades of yuccas
quivering in the breeze.


think you'd have a tighter read with the following. Also not sure why you shifted verb tense ("to have flickered"), see what you think--

It wants rebirth
and new breadth to flicker
in the vertical leaf blades of yuccas
quivering in the breeze.

and would yuccas quiver in a breeze? aren't they pretty sturdy plants?
___________________

I want to be just as alive as the ripened fruit
inside whose skin my blood takes up a liquid residence.
I want no end to this death.
My skin is in the way.

I'd lose "just" in first line--what purpose does it serve?

And is this poem about death or rebirth or both?

I want no end to this death.

This is the only bit in the poem that didn't work for me; seems like it needs to be qualified because you're not writing a poem that says I want to die--at least that's not what I get from it, but rather--I'm one with the natural world on the other side of my skin.

___________________

Really loved it. My suggestions are meant to help. If they do, great. If not, no worries.

Thanks for the read.

Ange

 

[Softlead]

Hi Angeline,

Your comments are well taken. I have a tendencecy to write down words as they come to me. I have trouble proof-reading. I only write it one time then move on. If I go back and try to fix and or correct my words then it becomes a challenge not to screw up the original message. I apologize for any misspellings or other irregularities. Thank you for reading my poetry.

Softlead

 

[Angeline]

My pleasure Softlead--I really did enjoy the poem. I'm used to doing these sorts of critiques (and frankly the more potential I feel in a poem, the pickier I get--which I mean to you as a compliment), but if you'd rather we just read them, that's fine too.