My Sister Called

[neonlyte]

For those of you who have 'too nice' an opinion of me, I haven't spoken with her for more than thirty years.

She left a message on the answer phone. Should I call her back?

 

[cloudy]

For those of you who have 'too nice' an opinion of me, I haven't spoken with her for more than thirty years.

She left a message on the answer phone. Should I call her back?

Yes, you should.

My oldest sister and I didn't speak to each other for right at 18 years because of something she'd done that I considered unforgivable. If she was visiting my mother and I was there because I wanted to see my nieces, I might say "hi" to her, but nothing beyond that. Even my mother, the most easy-going of souls, told her that she didn't blame me for not wanting anything to do with her.

As I got older, though, I realized that forgiving what she had done was a gift to myself, not to her.

I still don't really care to be around her that much, but she is my sister.

Call her back. You'll be glad you did.

 

[rgraham666]

I'd call her back. If to put the past behind you if nothing else.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Call her back.

If nothing else, I'm curious.

Just because you're having a phone conversation still doesn't mean you have to do anything you're not ready to do... it's not a commitment or a statement. See what she has to say. Go from there.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Life is short. Call her back.

As cloudy said, holding a grudge only hurts you, and forgiveness can heal you. I feel much more whole and complete after forgiving things my family did to me, and moving on.

 

[oggbashan]

You don't have to like relations.

Maybe far apart is more comfortable but maintaining contact, even if you don't get on face-to-face, is better than remaining isolated from them.

If she made the effort to call you, it is only polite to return her call. You'd do that for a stranger (who wasn't trying to sell you something useless).

Whatever happened between you is a long time ago.

Og

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

For those of you who have 'too nice' an opinion of me, I haven't spoken with her for more than thirty years.

She left a message on the answer phone. Should I call her back?

Absolutely.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Vermilion]

Exactly what everyone else said.

Especially Ogg.

xx
V

 

[christabelll]

I'm curious how did she get your number if you havent spoken in 30 years?
Another family member?

Yeah, Neon - Return the call. Differences are differences but family is family. No commitments eh? Good Luck...




took me 15 years to begin talking with my eldest sister again. We are best friends now. Guess we both had some major growing up to do.

 

[tickledkitty]

Yes!

 

[jomar]

30 years? You can't leave us hanging like that!

And I vote yes as well.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

do you owe her money? no

does she owe you money? yes

 

[English Lady]

Call her back, love for all the good reasons above.

 

[neonlyte]

Yes, you should.

My oldest sister and I didn't speak to each other for right at 18 years because of something she'd done that I considered unforgivable. If she was visiting my mother and I was there because I wanted to see my nieces, I might say "hi" to her, but nothing beyond that. Even my mother, the most easy-going of souls, told her that she didn't blame me for not wanting anything to do with her.

As I got older, though, I realized that forgiving what she had done was a gift to myself, not to her.

I still don't really care to be around her that much, but she is my sister.

Call her back. You'll be glad you did.

I posted and went for a walk... well, a sit in the park. I'll reply to Cloudy since you're all saying essentially the same thing, and I knew Cloudy would take this line.

When I said 'Sister', I ought have said family, though it was actually one of my sisters that called. I've seen none of them since 1975. If you'll excuse me, I'll use this post to exorcise some ghosts. It might make things clearer for me, and perhaps for you.

In 1971, I went on a hitch-hiking trip across Europe, starting in Norway and working my way down back to the UK. When I arrived home, my family had moved home. No forwarding address, none of the neighbours knew where they'd gone. A friend rescued me, took us three days to track my parents down. Turned out they had separated, I guess my first year away at university had shielded me from the erupting family problems.

My older sister was living with my mother, my younger sister with my father. I barely had time to understand what was going on before I had return to university. That following Christmas was horrendous. My long term girlfriend decided to go on holiday with her boss, neither part of my divided family had bed space for me... sure, I could have slept on the floor, but I was weary of the bitter blame game between both halves and elected for abstention. I barely survived that Christmas, I lacked the courage to take the final step.

I had little contact with either side for about a year, my soon to be wife persuaded me we should visit. So visit we did. The blame game if anything had intensified. My father blamed me for his business collapse, citing my choosing university above working with his building company as the root of his problems. This the building company which gave me the asbestosis discovered in 2005. My mother, in some vague attempt at retaliation explained why I remembered spending so much time with my uncle when I was 5 or 6. It was because my father was in prison. How this was meant to impress me or my soon to be wife, I'm not sure. I remember stopping the car on the way home and being sick. All those happy childhood memories of wandering Yorkshire with my uncle and aunt, the kindness of their married daughters and families reduced to being packed off while the 'old man' was in the slammer.

My wife reminded me last week, while we discussed the situation with my daughter and her husband, that after we married we had my mother and my two sisters around for a meal. I don't remember it at all. I do remember my father turning up uninvited on the doorstep and asking for money. I was still a student, I guess he knew I'd just received my grant cheque.

I decided, for my own sanity, to have nothing more to do with any of them. My wife continued to exchange letters with my mother for several years until they lost contact with one another when we return to Portugal to help my in-laws deal with cancer. I made a new life. I found a new family, and I would say quiet prayers in a non-believing sort of way hoping they had found the peace I enjoyed.

When asbestosis was confirmed in '05, a legal requirement fell upon my shoulders to commence proceedings against whom ever had caused the exposure to asbestos within three years of diagnosis. Whilst my situation is currently benign, I still have to file proceedings to financially protect my family if the illness ever becomes malignant. My father was the person who put me in harms way. His company was contracted to remove asbestos from the ceiling of classrooms in Oxford as it was deemed by the school to be prejudicial to the children's health. There I was, at the age of sixteen in the late '60s scraping fibrous asbestos from a ceiling without any protective clothing or even a mask. It was my summer job.

I'm guessing this phone call is about the solicitor serving proceeding s on my father, they discovered his whereabouts a few months ago. I have absolutely nothing to bring to the party other than a bitterness I thought I'd buried. My wife and my daughter (she's known about the history ever since we thought she was old enough to understand) both agreed I shouldn't return the call.

Cloudy, I gifted forgiveness a long time ago. I've had to unpack it again recently and look at it once more. I'm afraid I cannot conceive of how anything can be restored by making the phone call.

 

[christabelll]

(((((((((((NEON))))))))))))))

Kisses for the wounds to your heart....

Man sometimes it just sucks - no matter which way you cut it, examine it, mull it, bury it, excavate it, roll it around and let the cat sniff it.

Well Darling none of us(me) can answer this question for you in light of this newest post. There is always the "hang up" action if she goes off on you. Then you can say - at least you tried - and not wonder when this all comes to the surface 5, 10, 20 more years down the line...

Either way - hugs and kisses - from me.

 

[Vermilion]

Well the situation is certainly clearer now... One would hope that your sisters would be able to lay aside whatever issues you have with your parents and just have a relationship with you. If that is not the case, then it may be best to get your solicitor to get in touch with her... I don't fully understand the situation, but if she is calling to have a go, then you really don;t want to get involved in a 'he says she says' conversation with her and it might be wiser to use an intermediary...

x
V

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Oh. well then, no, don't return the call, if you pretty much already know that it's going to be nothing but a blame-fest...

but you wouldn't have posed the question if you weren't looking for something... so what is it, I wonder?

There's a lot of (valid) anger and resentment there still... any way to get that out?

 

[sweetness6280]

Og nailed it. You don't have to like relations. After a certain age, you don't have to allow them into your life either. You gave yourself the answer in your last post. Don't call. But I agree with vermilion, have your solicitor call.

Your feelings, now dredged up from the past, are more difficult and more important for you to resolve.

(((((neon))))

 

[CrazyCatGuy]

From your account of the story, it seems the blame were only tossed from your mother to father, and vice versa, you didn't mention your sisters as any part of it... maybe you want to get in touch with your sister(s) again without the necessary baggage that came along with your parents?

I think you should call back just to see what it's about... Maybe now that your sisters have their own families, they want to get back in touch with you? If it's going to be more of the family drama that you've been trying to avoid, you can just end the phone call.

 

[neonlyte]

Oh. well then, no, don't return the call, if you pretty much already know that it's going to be nothing but a blame-fest...

but you wouldn't have posed the question if you weren't looking for something... so what is it, I wonder?

There's a lot of (valid) anger and resentment there still... any way to get that out?

I suppose I'm just looking for 'permission' in a way, SK. It is not an easy decision to make, and whilst I know for me it is the right decision, I suppose I felt a need to explain the reason to people other than my immediate family. They have concerns for my well-being beyond the obvious, I'm currently taking 14 prescribed medications a day to keep me stable.

I don't feel particularly angry or resentful, though it's not far beneath the surface and I am aware that the phone call could easily make that erupt. I kinda chickened out in posting this thread, but for a bunch of 'porn writers', the community usually makes good sense where it matters. Writing it out makes it easier.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

I suppose I'm just looking for 'permission' in a way, SK. It is not an easy decision to make, and whilst I know for me it is the right decision, I suppose I felt a need to explain the reason to people other than my immediate family. They have concerns for my well-being beyond the obvious, I'm currently taking 14 prescribed medications a day to keep me stable.

I don't feel particularly angry or resentful, though it's not far beneath the surface and I am aware that the phone call could easily make that erupt. I kinda chickened out in posting this thread, but for a bunch of 'porn writers', the community usually makes good sense where it matters. Writing it out makes it easier.

permission granted.

but you don't need it... and you know that, too. Empathy though... that I give you in spades. It's hard to cut off ties to family and explain it to others who come out with the judgment guns blazing before you even take a breath to start an explanation, I know. (Not here... I just mean, generally) There are lots of good reasons to cut off family, regardless of the blood ties. It can be the most healthy thing, sometimes, to set some boundaries.

But Cloudy isn't wrong on that forgiveness angle. It's a gift to YOURSELF. It has nothing to do with them. They don't need to know. But your health, and everything around you and in you, will be effected (affected? Christ I need a class in that one) until you've really dug deep and let all of that go... maybe it's time to dig a little deeper?

 

[Vermilion]

permission granted.

but you don't need it... and you know that, too. Empathy though... that I give you in spades. It's hard to cut off ties to family and explain it to others who come out with the judgment guns blazing before you even take a breath to start an explanation, I know. (Not here... I just mean, generally) There are lots of good reasons to cut off family, regardless of the blood ties. It can be the most healthy thing, sometimes, to set some boundaries.

But Cloudy isn't wrong on that forgiveness angle. It's a gift to YOURSELF. It has nothing to do with them. They don't need to know. But your health, and everything around you and in you, will be effected (affected? Christ I need a class in that one) until you've really dug deep and let all of that go... maybe it's time to dig a little deeper?

Affected.

Just as a rough guide : affect is more passive (you are affected by something) and effect is more active (you effect a daring escape)... Hope that helps.

And Neon... If you want to get in touch, then get in touch, but there is the option of an intermediary if that makes a good compromise... maybe even get your wife to call?
Bes of British, whatever you decide.
x
V

 

[jomar]

Thanks for sharing that. A tough decision given the circumstances. Perhaps they need to understand why you had to serve your father. Do what your heart tells you. Best to you.

 

[3113]

I suppose I'm just looking for 'permission' in a way, SK. It is not an easy decision to make, and whilst I know for me it is the right decision, I suppose I felt a need to explain the reason to people other than my immediate family.

I have a very different point of view. We start out as stuck with our families--our parents decided (we hope) to have us, but they're stuck with what they get (more or less) and we're stuck with them and our siblings. We all HOPE that we're able to like or at least tolerate each other. If we're very lucky, love and admire each other. And we can all pretty much agree that we should feel some obligation to those we can tolerate for the sake of a shared life and whatever good deeds they did for us in our life. Tolerable things like feeding us, clothing us, teaching us, looking out for us.

But if those family members did almost nothing for us, if they were damaging, then, in short, neither you nor anyone else need permission to say "No."

I have one friend who had such a horrific relationship with her sister, one where the sister had been so damaging to her, and the parents so much on the sister's side, that she couldn't even feel sorry when the sister died of cancer. I don't blame her in the least. Just because you share the DNA doesn't mean you or anyone else is required to share anything else. It's your life, your sanity. You deserve to live your life as best you can. There is no reason in the world why a woman who is damaging to you should get more consideration because she is a blood relation than any other woman who has been emotionally damaging to you.

If your gut says "NO!" to calling your sister, don't call her. She, after all, has not called you in 30 years either. It's telling about her that she waited till this to do so. Have your solicitor call and see what this is all about. If your sister is calling for some other, more magnanimous reason, then you can always change your mind. If it's about what you think it's about, then there's no reason for you to have to deal with it. That's what solicitors are for.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm with Og, Sweetness, 3113, Neon. I agree- there are things for which you are perfectly justified in cutting off relations with anyone, regardless of their DNA.

And I put my vote in for having your solicitor call her first.

And many loving ((((hugs))))