My shoulder is wet...

[NoJo]

I spent last night with my oldest friend, who came to visit London. He needed a shoulder to cry on, so I got him drunk and he went for it: His life is in disarray; he was served divorce papers recently by his wife who's been having an affair with another guy for the past year. After taking legal advice from three lawyers, he's been told that he will lose his house, and his two kids. His wife will be able to continue to "see" her lover, but won't officially cohabit, so my friend will have to pay full alimony. He is now even more stuck in the job he hates.

God I'm drained and depressed from listening to the poor guy all night.

Somebody tell me a joke, or show me their tits, or something.

 

[Belegon]

courtesy of my five year old...


What do you call a snail on a ship?






a Snail-or!




c'mon, you should've been warned by the "five year old" part above....

 

[NoJo]

courtesy of my five year old...


What do you call a snail on a ship?






a Snail-or!




c'mon, you should've been warned by the "five year old" part above....

I'm so depressed, that it actually gave me a lol. Now show me your tits.

 

[Belegon]

I'm so depressed, that it actually gave me a lol. Now show me your tits.

they're kinda hairy ya know...

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I'm going out on a limb and being nice to you because it's christmas and all that shit....

You are a wonderful human being, a great humourist and a gentleman.
Merry Christmas Joe.

 

[Belegon]

I'm going out on a limb and being nice to you because it's christmas and all that shit....

You are a wonderful human being, a great humourist and a gentleman.
Merry Christmas Joe.

someone please alert the media....

 

[carsonshepherd]

they're kinda hairy ya know...

YeEEAHHHHH.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Sorry, Joe, I got carried away.

I'm not that great at jokes but I think you're the best Happy Hannukah.

 

[rgraham666]

OK, here's a joke.

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?

Will that do?

On the serious side, good on you, Joe.

 

[NoJo]

Will that do?

That's what so great about getting old and losing your memory: You can hear all the old jokes again, and you laugh.

That reminds me of another.... nope, it's gone.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

That's what so great about getting old and losing your memory: You can hear all the old jokes again, and you laugh.

That reminds me of another.... nope, it's gone.

What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?

Once they're on their backs, the're fucked

 

[yui]

After nights of frustrating attempts of trying to seduce his wife, the Japanese man finally made a proposition to his wife.

"If you want to have sex with me, let me know by pulling on my penis one time.

"If you are not in the mood and do not want to have sex with me, let me know by pulling on my penis 100 times."



Peace, Joe.

 

[sophia jane]

After nights of frustrating attempts of trying to seduce his wife, the Japanese man finally made a proposition to his wife.

"If you want to have sex with me, let me know by pulling on my penis one time.

"If you are not in the mood and do not want to have sex with me, let me know by pulling on my penis 100 times."



Peace, Joe.

And if that doesn't cheer us all up, Yui's showing her breast! I'm all excited.

 

[Honey123]

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

 

[NoJo]

After nights of frustrating attempts of trying to seduce his wife, the Japanese man finally made a proposition to his wife.

"If you want to have sex with me, let me know by pulling on my penis one time.

"If you are not in the mood and do not want to have sex with me, let me know by pulling on my penis 100 times."



Peace, Joe.

I said "Somebody tell me a joke, or show me their tits, or something".

You gave me the joke and the tits. Thank you very much. Now I'd really like the something.

 

[yui]

I said "Somebody tell me a joke, or show me their tits, or something".

You gave me the joke and the tits. Thank you very much. Now I'd really like the something.

You asked for it ....

 

[BlackShanglan]

Joe, you're a damned good man to be looking after your friend. I'll do my best to dig out a half-decent joke from my score of crap ones.

(1) The regulars down at the pub were commiserating together about the loss of one of their own. Sharra, wild enough to keep up with the boys for years, was finally tying the knot and settling down. Word had it that she'd done the right thing by her man as well; she'd sat him down for a serious talk where she owned up all of to her past flings.

"Well," said one mourner, deep in his cups and sentimental, "now that's what I call honesty."

Another nodded and raised his glass. "Yeah, that's what I call courage."

Muttered the last from down the bar, "Now that's what I call a memory."


(2) (My favourite joke for some reason, but long):

A man is driving down a particularly dull and barren stretch of highway when he passes a big, flashy billboard. It's such a bizarre message that he's nearly past it before it sinks in: "Sisters of Holy Mercy Convent and Whorehouse, 5 Miles." The man blinks, tries to make sense of it - then thinks, "naaah!" and drives on. Must have misread it.

But no - sure enough, two miles later there's another sign: "Sisters of Holy Mercy Convent and Whorehouse, 3 Miles." He stares. As he keeps driving, now he's looking for them - and sure enough, in order he passes "Sisters of Holy Mercy Convent and Whorehouse, 2 Miles," "Sisters of Holy Mercy Convent and Whorehouse, 1 Mile," and "Sisters of Holy Mercy Convent and Whorehouse: HERE IT IS!" There's a turn-off with a big flashing arrow, and up on a hill overlooking it, a stone convent.

"Just ... going to see what it is. Got to be a joke. Just want in on the laugh," thinks the man rather guiltily as he turns off the highway and heads up the road. He parks and goes up to the door of the convent, feeling rather sheepish; it looks perfectly prim and holy. But the idea of nuns turning tricks is enough to coax him into using the huge iron knocker on the door. A moment later a tiny, ancient old nun opens the door.

"Yes, my son?" she asks.

The man, even more embarassed now, stammers out - "I ... well, Sister, the thing is, there's a sign someone's put up on the road - "

"Oh yes, the whorehouse," says the elderly nun. "Come in, my son, come in. The doors of the convent are always open to men in need of solace."

The man steps in, thrilled now. The old nun gestures to a wooden bowl standing on a table nearby.

"The donation to our holy works is two hundred dollars, my son. Just place your donation into the bowl."

It seems like a lot, but heck - nuns! The man puts in his money, and the little old nun takes his elbow gently and guides him down the hall.

"There now," she says, pointing to a huge wooden door at the end. "Just go through that door, and you will receive your reward."

The man heads down the hall, excited and eager. He hurries through the big wooden door, then stands a moment in bafflement as he hears the lock of the door turn shut behind him. He's standing outside, in the back parking lot of the convent. Then he looks up and sees a final billboard:

"Congratulations. You've just been fucked by the Sisters of Holy Mercy."

 

[lil_elvis]

Okay, stupid joke time

A frog walks into a bank. He walks up to the loan officer who he can see from her name tag is Patricia Wack.

"Hi, Ms. Wack, my name is Kermit Jagger and I'd like to take out a loan."

She is taken aback, having made a loan to a frog before.

"How much do you need?"

"$10,000. My father is Mick Jagger and knows the owner of the bank."

"That's all well and good but we would still need some collateral."

"Okay," says the frog and hands the woman a small, but beautful ceramic pig.

"Umm, lemme check this" she says and goes to the owner's office. "You won't believe this but there's a frog out their. Says his name is Kermit Jagger and his father is Mick Jagger. He wants to borrow ten grand with this as collateral and I'm not sure what it is."

The owner says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a rolling stone."

*groan*

 

[Carmenica Diaz]

I spent last night with my oldest friend, who came to visit London. He needed a shoulder to cry on, so I got him drunk and he went for it: His life is in disarray; he was served divorce papers recently by his wife who's been having an affair with another guy for the past year. After taking legal advice from three lawyers, he's been told that he will lose his house, and his two kids. His wife will be able to continue to "see" her lover, but won't officially cohabit, so my friend will have to pay full alimony. He is now even more stuck in the job he hates.

God I'm drained and depressed from listening to the poor guy all night.

Somebody tell me a joke, or show me their tits, or something.

He should focus on the children and not give up on them.

He didn't know his wife was with someone else? For a year? Women give small clues. Maybe he was complaining about life so much, he missed them.

 

[NoJo]

Joe, you're a damned good man to be looking after your friend. I'll do my best to dig out a half-decent joke from my score of crap ones.

(1) The regulars down at the pub were commiserating together about the loss of one of their own. Sharra, wild enough to keep up with the boys for years, was finally tying the knot and settling down. Word had it that she'd done the right thing by her man as well; she'd sat him down for a serious talk where she owned up all of to her past flings.

"Well," said one mourner, deep in his cups and sentimental, "now that's what I call honesty."

Another nodded and raised his glass. "Yeah, that's what I call courage."

Muttered the last from down the bar, "Now that's what I call a memory."


(2) (My favourite joke for some reason, but long):

A man is driving down a particularly dull and barren stretch of highway when he passes a big, flashy billboard. It's such a bizarre message that he's nearly past it before it sinks in: "Sisters of Holy Mercy Convent and Whorehouse, 5 Miles." The man blinks, tries to make sense of it - then thinks, "naaah!" and drives on. Must have misread it.

But no - sure enough, two miles later there's another sign: "Sisters of Holy Mercy Convent and Whorehouse, 3 Miles." He stares. As he keeps driving, now he's looking for them - and sure enough, in order he passes "Sisters of Holy Mercy Convent and Whorehouse, 2 Miles," "Sisters of Holy Mercy Convent and Whorehouse, 1 Mile," and "Sisters of Holy Mercy Convent and Whorehouse: HERE IT IS!" There's a turn-off with a big flashing arrow, and up on a hill overlooking it, a stone convent.

"Just ... going to see what it is. Got to be a joke. Just want in on the laugh," thinks the man rather guiltily as he turns off the highway and heads up the road. He parks and goes up to the door of the convent, feeling rather sheepish; it looks perfectly prim and holy. But the idea of nuns turning tricks is enough to coax him into using the huge iron knocker on the door. A moment later a tiny, ancient old nun opens the door.

"Yes, my son?" she asks.

The man, even more embarassed now, stammers out - "I ... well, Sister, the thing is, there's a sign someone's put up on the road - "

"Oh yes, the whorehouse," says the elderly nun. "Come in, my son, come in. The doors of the convent are always open to men in need of solace."

The man steps in, thrilled now. The old nun gestures to a wooden bowl standing on a table nearby.

"The donation to our holy works is two hundred dollars, my son. Just place your donation into the bowl."

It seems like a lot, but heck - nuns! The man puts in his money, and the little old nun takes his elbow gently and guides him down the hall.

"There now," she says, pointing to a huge wooden door at the end. "Just go through that door, and you will receive your reward."

The man heads down the hall, excited and eager. He hurries through the big wooden door, then stands a moment in bafflement as he hears the lock of the door turn shut behind him. He's standing outside, in the back parking lot of the convent. Then he looks up and sees a final billboard:

"Congratulations. You've just been fucked by the Sisters of Holy Mercy."

Ahh, shades of the immortal Dave Allen...

 

[rgraham666]

Ahh, shades of the immortal Dave Allen...

That reminds me of an old favourite from Dave.

Unknown to most people, Heaven and Hell are actually side by side with a fence between them.

One day God is walking the fence line and comes to a spot where it's been knocked down, obviously from the other side.

"Nick!" He calls out. "Get your ass over here!"

Satan saunters over and asks, "What do You want?"

"The fence has been knocked down. And someone under your purview did it."

"So?"

"If You don't fix it," explains God, "You'll be hearing from my solicitor!"

"Ha!" Satan laughs. "Where are You going to find a solicitor?"

 

[MissBri]

 

[BlackShanglan]

"Arrrgh" says the pirate, "It's drivin' me nuts!"

*groan*

OK, two short one:

(1) Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry.

(2) Why are pirates called "matey"? I don't know - they just arrrrrgh.

Laugh, damnit!

 

[MissBri]

 

[Guest]

Somebody... show me their tits...

Look left.

(And you know that's as far as I'll go without being on middle-name terms with someone. Cuthbert?)