My Rant session

[alexandraaah]

You guys have no idea how bad I want to leave..



I guess I could go to my ex husbands house or my SO's mothers house. But damn.. I really don't want to air our dirty laundry.

And I'm very bad about feeling guilty. I can't just leave my mom. As much as I hate her right now, she is still my mom. I know if I left it would be the end of any kind of relationship I do have with her. And I also know that I wouldn't be able to come back here for my stuff. She's enough of a bitch to do that.

I'm so confused..

At risk of sounding harsh about your family...the above statement is precisely what your mom and brother are counting on.

 

[freakygirl]

Alex.. Oh god.. I know. They know me all to well. They know I'm the one that starts questioning myself about what I'm thinking. I start doubting what I know is true... They know this.. and I know they are using this against me.

but it is still hard.. ya know?

Ok.. he is going to the store (3rd time in 2 1/2 hours) What does Meth look like? LOL I'm such an idiot I have no idea what I'm even looking for.

 

[Guest]

http://www.kci.org/meth_info/links.htm

 

[alexandraaah]

you have a pm.

 

[freakygirl]

KM.. thanks for that link.. I'm checking it out now.

raindancer.. That is the same exact site I've been reading.. thank you

Alex.. just got it.. reading it now

 

[Guest]

Please, seriously, if there is anything I can do to help, tell me. PM me or email me- anytime.
I want to help.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Freaky, I'm gonna be the ditto girl here...

get out. now. your possessions aren't worth your safety. your relationship with your mother isn't worth your safety. you daughter needs you to be strong and smart about this. pack a bag, get your dog, and check into the motel 6. seriously.

from your description, he's doing meth in your house. you think you're having a hard time finding somewhere to live now, let it get out that you're harboring a meth user.

darlin... please leave. i can think of plenty of places that will keep your dog until you have a home.

 

[freakygirl]

Thanks to everyone for the helpful advice and the pm's.

I do appreciate it. I regret ever moving home.. but I felt it was my duty. I've always let my mom walk all over me.. and I honestly think it's time to get on with my own life.

I have put it on hold for 6 years.. the last 3 (because of my moms disablity) my life has completly stopped. It has only been in the last few weeks that I have gotten the balls to go and do what I want.. and stand up to my mom. Telling her I'm going.. and she isn't going to call my cell phone, because it won't be on.

 

[CarolineOh]

Thanks to everyone for the helpful advice and the pm's.

I do appreciate it. I regret ever moving home.. but I felt it was my duty. I've always let my mom walk all over me.. and I honestly think it's time to get on with my own life.

I have put it on hold for 6 years.. the last 3 (because of my moms disablity) my life has completly stopped. It has only been in the last few weeks that I have gotten the balls to go and do what I want.. and stand up to my mom. Telling her I'm going.. and she isn't going to call my cell phone, because it won't be on.

You've done service above and beyond the call of duty for your Mom. But now you have to take care of your daughter, your SO and yourself. Don't let inappropriate guilt cloud your mind, think clearly and do what you know is right for your family.

 

[LukkyKnight]

When you fly in a commercial airplane they make a big deal out of a fundamental principle which is easy to overlook. The Flight Attendant giving the safety speech explains about the masks that pop down, you know? Then they always point out that if you're going to be helping somebody else, you need to see to your own mask first.

You can't help somebody else if you're not OK yourself.

Sometimes, it helps them just to watch you taking care of yourself - they may need the behavior modeled for one reason or another.

Consider the cabin depressurized. Get your mask on, then be sure that your daughter is ok, she is your one truest responsibility, she is why you must be making sure you are around to help. The SO is high on the list, too... but

Before attempting to help others, make sure your own mask is in place.



I think it was SempreAngela who first drilled that analogy home for me.

 

[freakygirl]

Ok, my ex husband came and got my daughter.


Thank god my older children don't think it's odd when Kimber goes to their house to stay. It's such a normal thing for them.. even though John isn't Kimbers father. I don't want them to know anymore than they need to right now. They know Uncle Rick is a drug abuser, but I don't need to have to explain things to them right now.

Also, I'm calling an old cop friend of mine. Hoping he can give me some sound advice on how to get this handle quickly and without trouble to me.

Thanks again to everyone who pmed me.. or gave me advice here.

 

[goddess]

Do what you have to do. Listen to your inner voice. It never gives bad advice. Good luck!

 

[CarolineOh]

Good for you. Stay strong.

 

[freakygirl]

You know.. i noticed something else.

He has been home awhile.. and he hasn't taken his coat off... I'll bet that is where is stash is.

Do people pass out from meth use? like alcoholics do?

 

[KillerMuffin]

I don't know about that.

I do know this, you may feel like crap in a little while, particularly when Mom starts her manipulating, guilt trips, and histrionics. You are doing the right thing. Especially by calling your cop friend. It's gotten to the point where your love and you concern for your family is enabling them to continue in their destructive behavior. By leaving you're going to force your Mom to rely on herself like she should be and to appreciate you for what you do give her. By leaving your brother you're going to force your mother to see him for what he is.

Do not feel guilty, FG. You aren't doing anything wrong and you aren't killing your mother or whatever she plans on telling you. You are saving your daughter and your SO and yourself. You have your priorities straight now. Keep them that way.

If you can get a little counseling. You need someone non-judgemental and non-biased to just listen to you get all of this pain and frustration out.

Give yourself a hug for me. It may not be my place, but I am very proud of you.

 

[KillerMuffin]

http://www.addictiontreatmentresource.com/methamphetamine_treatment.html

According to this Meth users will crash if they do it heavily. It's like passing out.

To a binge abuser, the crash means an incredible amount of sleep. The body's epinephrine has been depleted, and the body uses the crash to replenish its supply. Even the meanest, most violent abuser becomes almost lifeless during the crash and poses a threat to no one. The crash can last 1-3 days.

 

[freakygirl]

KM

Thank you.. I really do appreciate your input and the hug.

I think this is probably one of the hardest decisions I've had to make, besides the giving up custody of my children to their father, in my whole life. I knew giving them to their father was for the best.. why am I having problems seeing this would be the best for me... and the daughter that I do have custody of??

My friend is going to do some checking and get back to me. I guess he knows of a place we might be able to get into this weekend. *keep your fingers crossed it works out*

I also found a house in the area that is a rent to own.. fixer upper. Not exactly what I want... but I'm to the point the back seat of my Maxima looks good. I'm not going to be picky now.

 

[freakygirl]

http://www.addictiontreatmentresource.com/methamphetamine_treatment.html

According to this Meth users will crash if they do it heavily. It's like passing out.

He just left again.. (5th time) for the store. I think he got smart and has decided not to use the meth in the house. How many times can a person go to the store in one night?

It closes at 10pm.. so I'll keep you updated..

 

[Debbie]

Damn freakygurl. You are in my thoughts.
I wish I could do or offer more. *hug*
You are a brave woman.
Hang in there.

 

[freakygirl]

Well here is my nightly update.

Last night.. Clyde called. Clyde is my nephews step dad. Clyde needed a place to stay. It seems his wife had kicked him out. She was angry with him for leaving her at Chuck E Cheeses after consuming to much alcohol (she wouldn't get into the car with him so he left here there). Mom told him it was fine.. he could stay the night.. or as long as he needed. I wasn't happy about this.. but what say do I have.. it's her house.. remember?

Anyway, Clyde got here.. really drunk and had a 6 pack in his hands. Well it was a five pack.. because #6 was in his hand.. open.. half consumed. He offered my boyfriend a beer. My boyfriend said "No thanks Dude, I have to work tomorrow." Clyde says "so? What does that have to do with anything? I work at 4 am." (he is a cutter for a local logging company, wonder how they like it that he shows up drunk or hungover..)

Finally got to bed at 1am.. didn't sleep well. I had hooked up the baby monitor so I could listen to what was going on downstairs. (Rick is real good at "looking through" things). I had taken my purse and a few other things up to my room (this pisses me off, I have to hide my shit in the place where I'm supposed to be able to leave it where I want).

Woke up at normal 7am time.. went to the bathroom and guess what I had.. a room splattered with someone elses puke. Jee.. wasn't that nice of either the fucked up Meth user.. or the fucked up drunk to leave me? Anyway, mom woke up.. I got her prepared to be on her own for a few hours, while we went and looked at houses. I told her I would clean the bathroom when I got home. It seemed that someone had vomited and left the mess for me. She didn't say a word.

So we went and found three houses we were interested in. Going tomorrow to get a look at the insides of two of them..one is a rent to own (which would be perfect, except it's also a fixer upper. And I'm sorry..a cat piss smelling back room is more than I want to deal with right now). The other two are owned by the same people, and one is for rent.. one is for sale. They are mirror image houses on the same block. I want the yellow one.. but it's for sale.. I'm hoping they will let us rent until we can get a loan to buy it. It's a neat house.. 3 bedrooms and only one bathroom.. but I can handle that. Daffodils planted on the side of the house, and all the windows have flower boxes. There is also a really neat little fenced area for the dogs.. and a work shop for the SO. It's in a great neighborhood.. near the school my daughters sister and brother attend. Downfalls of the house, old green shag carpet. Ugly green too.... you know that 60's avocado green? And an ugly gold in the bedrooms. Kitchen floor looks like it might be new.. it's clean and fresh looking.. with all appliances included (even a dishwasher, washer and dryer) The yard isn't huge.. but it's livable. *can you tell I'm a little excited about finding this?*

I get home.. and Clyde is still here.. (Rick had left shortly after I had, to go to to work) I got the bucket.. the mop.. some gloves.. rags and the super clean out.. and headed to the bathroom. My boyfriend and I scrubbed all.. walls, floor, toilet, cabinets, sink, ceiling and the shower. I took up rugs and took down the shower curtain to be washed. After about 10 minutes into our scrubbing.. mom walked in and said "I'll clean the bathroom" I said "nope, we got it" (We had been gone 2 hours before this, if she was going to really clean it, why wasn't it done?). She rolled her eyes and said.."I could do it you know". I said, "I doubt that, it's on the walls and ceiling too. You couldn't reach them, and you sure the hell can't stand on a stool" She walked back into the living room pissed. All day she has sat here and either watched tv or worked on her crossword puzzles. I haven't felt good. Stress and I are not good friends. It flares up my kidney problems (had to take a opium (sp?) based prescription pill last night to even be able to lay down). I don't have to take those very often. And good thing too.. the dr doesn't just hand those bad boys out for nothing. I slept all day.. I didn't even clean house (PCG will know this is way out of character for me.. LOL)

Rick still hasn't come back from going to work this morning. He does odd jobs for an old man with a huge yard. He's planting and prunning and redoing the flower beds in the yard. I'm assuming at 8 pm.. they aren't working anymore. He is probably at his "friends" house.. oh yeah.. this friend is his Meth dealer.. some friend huh?

OK.. enough for tonight.. Thanks for listening.

 

[LukkyKnight]

Keep your eyes on your goal, freaky. Hang in there.

 

[freakygirl]

Thank you LukkyKnight. I'm keeping my fingers crossed (which by the way, makes typing very hard)

 

[Guest]

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm proud of you.

 

[Rambling Rose]

I've read through this and three things stand out to me.

1) $20 worth of candy??? He's craving sugar, and this is a typical addictive response when a body is not getting its usual amount of narcotic.

2) Your mom asking you to hide her money for her lets me know that she is well aware of the untrustworthyness of your brother, and not only is pretending to turn a blind eye, but is expecting you to become even further responsible for him and her!

3) you have a great support group here and add my name to the list. You can change your situation, FG. Be patient and persistent!

(the vomit business...ack! I wish you had handed your mom the sponge and mop and gone out to a movie! After all, it's 'her' house!)

 

[alexandraaah]

(the vomit business...ack! I wish you had handed your mom the sponge and mop and gone out to a movie! After all, it's 'her' house!)

Anytime you're having a moment of guilt, just ask yourself if you really want to spend the rest of your life cleaning up vomit.

Hang in there.