My poem...(original title I know)

[omahaguy]

Lovers in the Night



She slides into my arms at night
Protecting her from the pain of life
Holding her so tender and tight
Free of all the grief and strife

I marvel at her succulent lips
Caressing the soft delicate skin
Of her arms, legs and hips
Happier than I had ever been

She raises her head to the stars above
Whispering sweet words of tender love
My lips brush against her bare shoulder
As she draws our loving bodies closer

The darkness shrouds our sweet embrace
She guides my hands to her silky lace
I gaze into her eyes and our lips part
Knowing now that kissing is a secret art

We hold each other through the night
But, alas, my lover must take her leave
Before the dawn and its morning light
Accepting this short, painful reprieve

After our last embrace for the night
We share a final kiss of sweet delight

 

[omahaguy]

boo

What do you guys think? good? bad? massively UGLY? HORRIFYING? hehe

 

[WickedEve]

Massively ugly? No, not that bad.

I think if you try writing an erotic/romantic poem without using the simple rhyming pattern that you may be even more pleased with the results.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Okay, I'm very new at the poetry thing, so I won't attempt to go to deeply into your poem. What I notice right away is that your poem absolutely drips with cliches. The sentiment expressed is something that gets expressed in many, many poems. It's fine to explore theme yourself, but what you need to do is find fresh new images to revive it.

examples:

pain of life
tender and tight
grief and strife
succulent lips
soft, delicate skin
stars above
tender love
darkness shrouds
sweet embrace
we hold each other through the night
kiss of sweet delight

Now as I said, I'm new at this whole thing. Unfortunately I can't really make any suggestions other than try to find out from someone more knowledgeable how to avoid cliches. (I'd love a little lesson in that myself )I hope that's of some help...

Nikki

 

[Rybka]

Nikki's Comments

Okay, I'm very new at the poetry thing, so I won't attempt to go to deeply into your poem. What I notice right away is that your poem absolutely drips with cliches. The sentiment expressed is something that gets expressed in many, many poems. It's fine to explore theme yourself, but what you need to do is find fresh new images to revive it.
...
Now as I said, I'm new at this whole thing. Unfortunately I can't really make any suggestions other than try to find out from someone more knowledgeable how to avoid cliches. (I'd love a little lesson in that myself )I hope that's of some help...
Nikki

Nikki, the fact that you have learned to disdain cliches shows that you are learning. Will you show us some of your recent efforts?

As an exercise/lesson: Don't you think that "cliche" is rather trite in itself? What other not over used phrases can replace it?

Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[DarlingNikki]

Re: Nikki's Comments

Nikki, the fact that you have learned to disdain cliches shows that you are learning. Will you show us some of your recent efforts?

As an exercise/lesson: Don't you think that "cliche" is rather trite in itself? What other not over used phrases can replace it?

Regards,                                 Rybka

I'm expecting an audio poem of mine to be posted tonight, per Laurel. If it happens, you should see it in a few hours... do your worst

As for a replacement for the word "cliche" ...um... I can't think of anything offhand... I feel like I'm missing out on something obvious you're trying to tell me. But don't we sometimes need a nice meat-and-potatoes (another cliche, yes, I know) term to describe something quickly and simply?

 

[omahaguy]

chiche's

I know there's tons of cliches there but I absolutely LOVE chiche's even though everyone else hates them I don't quite know why but it just sounds better to me... However, I'll give writing without chiche's a shot and see what happens...

 

[omahaguy]

Second Poem

The Bliss



Will I ever feel that momentary bliss
Of holding another in a loving embrace
Our lips meeting so tenderly for a kiss
All the while, are bodies intertwined

Our souls are separated no longer
As we share our purest desires
Giving in to the endless hunger
The carnal love that drives the soul

Fluids, juices, mixing, mingling
Sweat coating our exquisite bodies
The senses intensifying and tingling
Bringing the bliss to its wonderful peak

The perfect love growing so strong
Heightening the nourishing sensations
Making the pleasure last for so long
Filling the hunger, ending the pain

The bliss finally approaches our souls
Bringing our bodies endless delight
Filling the emptiness, filling the holes
Our beings finally fulfilled and complete

For a moment our lonely loving hearts beat as one
For a moment our passion burns brighter than the sun
For a moment our war against the agonizing pain is won
For a moment our passionate souls and heaven are one


this is an older poem of mine that I want some feed back on since when I posted it originally in another forum I had no replies =P

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Nikki's Comments

Nikki, the fact that you have learned to disdain cliches shows that you are learning. Will you show us some of your recent efforts?

As an exercise/lesson: Don't you think that "cliche" is rather trite in itself? What other not over used phrases can replace it?

Regards,                                 Rybka

Actually, saying that clichés are trite is rather cliché.
Omahaguy, you can love clichés and use them in abundance in your poetry but don't expect many readers to love your work. It's simply because what you have to say has been said repeatedly by many other poets and most readers want something newer, fresher... jeez... this whole thing has been said so many times that it's... cliché.
Don't worry, oguy. Stick around and find out what all the denizens have to share with you. You may discover something to broaden your horizons (that last cliché was just for you.)

 

[omahaguy]

thanks

Thanks wickedeve, I don't think I'm leaving this forum anytime soon that's for sure

 

[Rybka]

DAH!

Actually, saying that clichés are trite is rather cliché.

Kiene schitz kliener biber!

Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[Senna Jawa]

And the last two lines

Originally posted by omahaguy

Lovers in the Night



She slides into my arms at night
Protecting her from the pain of life
Holding her so tender and tight
Free of all the grief and strife

I marvel at her succulent lips
Caressing the soft delicate skin
Of her arms, legs and hips
Happier than I had ever been

She raises her head to the stars above
Whispering sweet words of tender love
My lips brush against her bare shoulder
As she draws our loving bodies closer

The darkness shrouds our sweet embrace
She guides my hands to her silky lace
I gaze into her eyes and our lips part
Knowing now that kissing is a secret art

We hold each other through the night
But, alas, my lover must take her leave
Before the dawn and its morning light
Accepting this short, painful reprieve

After our last embrace for the night
We share a final kiss of sweet delight
She tells me softly you were a giant
And she takes off to another client


* * * * by omahaguy

 

[WickedEve]

Re: DAH!

Kiene schitz kliener biber!

Regards,                                 Rybka

Oh, bite me.

 

[omahaguy]

WOW!

GASP a fellow person from sunnyvale!!!!! *GASP* I so CAN NOT BELIEVE IT! WOW! but yah what's your name and how long have you been in sunnyvale, it's been like 2 years since I've been there! I just soooooooooo did not expect to find anyone from sunnyvale or the rest of the valley for that matter to be here But yah PM me back

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: WOW!

GASP a fellow person from sunnyvale!!!!! *GASP* I so CAN NOT BELIEVE IT! WOW! but yah what's your name and how long have you been in sunnyvale, it's been like 2 years since I've been there!

Exactly in Sunnyvale? It's my 2nd time here. And the third time in Silicon Valley. I lived at one time or another in Sunnyvale(x2), Palo Alto, Mountain View, Saratoga(x2), San Jose.

I just soooooooooo did not expect to find anyone from sunnyvale or the rest of the valley for that matter to be here But yah PM me back

Feel free to write to me. Actually, there is quite a bunch or perhaps even bunches of poets in Silicon Valley (but somehow I don't keep in touch much). Some of them are pretty wild. You get a whole array, from software engineers to truck drivers. And software engineers can be colorful too, like JJWebb for instance. LeeAnn Heringer, another outstanding poet, is a part of the Silicon Valley scene too, very much so.

 

[omahaguy]

Wow, I did not know any of that at all! Yah I lived in san jose for a while as well and was actually there before I moved to omaha... I soooooo wish I was back there Anyways yah I'll write you sometime for sure

 

[Senna Jawa]

Wow, I did not know any of that at all! Yah I lived in san jose for a while as well and was actually there before I moved to omaha... I soooooo wish I was back there Anyways yah I'll write you sometime for sure

I hope against the hope that you appreciate my adding 2 lines to your (dreadful) piece.