My new story

[Hudson]

Hi all

Below is link to my story called After hours,
I had some trouble as it was the first time I had my characters talk to each other not as easy as it looks, any feedback would be appreciated.



http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=101067


Thanks
Hudson

 

[Hotcappucino]

I'm sorry to say I couldn't last more than a few paragraphs. There are so many run-on sentences throughout and there's punctuation problems in almost every paragraph that it just quashes any desire to continue.

Just the first few paragraphs:

The weekend at last Jenny thought to herself as she finished buttoning her top, she grabbed her bag and headed out of the staff change room, as she exited the door she couldn’t help feel the eyes of her fellow colleagues on her.

“Jenny I need to see you in my office?” Her boss called out.

Jenny smiled at the sea of eyes and headed up the stairs to Mr Franklins office.

“ I hate to do this to you Jenny being the weekend and everything, Tokyo just called they need the contract on the merger reworked before Monday the client looks like slipping through our fingers if we don’t make some changes, they requested you, quite an honour, don’t you think?” Mr Franklin said with a smile. Jenny tried to hide her disappointment she was looking forward to going out tonight with the girls from work; she had even brought some new clothes for the occasion.

“You can use my office for the evening and Ill give you a call in the morning to see how you went, thanks Jenny.” Mr Franklin yelled out as he quickly walked down the stairs.

Should be:

The weekend at last, Jenny thought to herself as she finished buttoning her top. She grabbed her bag and headed out of the staff change room. As she exited the door, she couldn’t help but feel the eyes of her fellow colleagues on her.

“Jenny, I need to see you in my office, ” her boss called out.

Jenny smiled at the sea of eyes and headed up the stairs to Mr. Franklin's office.

“I hate to do this to you, Jenny, being the weekend and everything. Tokyo just called. They need the contract on the merger reworked before Monday. The client looks like they're going to slip through our fingers if we don’t make some changes. They requested you -- quite an honour, don’t you think?” Mr. Franklin said with a smile.

Jenny tried to hide her disappointment. She was looking forward to going out tonight with the girls from work; she had even brought some new clothes for the occasion.

“You can use my office for the evening and I'll give you a call in the morning to see how you went. Thanks, Jenny, ” Mr. Franklin yelled out as he quickly walked down the stairs.
___

I would suggest that you go back, proofread the story, and resubmit (or have someone proofread for you).

Just my opinion, of course.

 

[backwoods692000]

I am a new writer as well and I fell into the same kind of thing that you did. We try to write like we talk and that is not always easy to read.

I highly recommend using the volunteer editors. I was afraid that they would change the content or feel of my story. They didn't change the story in any material way, but drastically improved the readability of it.

Give them a try

 

[Hudson]

Thanks Backswood and Cappichino for the help, I was not very good at English at school and I guess it shows.

I have been told that my stories have run on sentences and read some books in regard to this, however I still have trouble comprehending just what a run on sentence is, as to finish or start a new sentence.

I was always taught that a sentence did not end with a full stop until the subject matter of the sentence changed, I know this is wrong and this is where the confusion sets in.

Thanks once again in taking the time to help and comment.

Cheers
Hudson

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Hey Hudson,

I tend to run sentences together a lot too. When I tried to correct it I ended up with too many short sentences that gave the works a staccato feel that flowed badly.

The best way I have found is to write what you wish, then put it aside for a day or two and work on something else. Once you aren't "reading it as you thought it" rather than as you wrote it, you will find it easier to correct.


-Colly

 

[dee1124]

It's a bit of a tight-rope to walk, long sentences, short sentences, what to do? It depends on what kind of effect you want to achieve. Longer sentences can slow the action down, shorter ones speed it up. I suppose I'm being obvious.

I do agree with Colly, though, putting it aside for a day or so is a good idea. Reading it out loud is good, too. You know in your mind what's going on but it doesn't always transfer to the page. A sentence that sounded fine in your head can sound awkward out loud.

Dee

 

[Hotcappucino]

I was always taught that a sentence did not end with a full stop until the subject matter of the sentence changed, I know this is wrong and this is where the confusion sets in.

That's the rule for a paragraph, not a sentence. A paragraph contains sentences that should be related to a common topic. A sentence, however, at its most basic form, consists of a subject and a verb. Sentences can be combined to create compound sentences, but care must be taken to make sure that it's properly punctuated or else you'll create a run-on.

A run-on does not mean that a sentence is too long. This short sentence, for example, is considered a run-on:

The beer was less filling, it tasted great.

This is a run-on because there are two independent clauses (complete sentences) joined by a comma. Such a run-on is called a comma-splice.

The first thing that needs to be done is to identify the independent clauses in the sentence. Independent clauses are those phrases which can stand alone and still make sense by themselves. If you take a look at the first paragraph in your story, you'll see three independent clauses all joined by commas.

There are four different things that can be done to make a run-on sentence grammatically correct:

1) The simplest way is to split the independent clauses into separate sentences using a period:
The beer was less filling. It tasted great.

If the sentences are closely related, you can use a semicolon instead of a period:
The beer was less filling; it tasted great.

2) Create a compound sentence by using a conjunction (and, but, for, or, so) after the comma:
The beer was less filling, and it tasted great.

3) Make one of the independent clauses a dependant one by adding a dependant word:
Although the beer was less filling, it tasted great.

4) Change one of the independent clauses into a verbal or verbal phrase:
The less filling beer tasted great.

Probably a lot more detail that you wanted to know, but just wanted to make it clear what run-ons are and how to fix them.

 

[Hudson]

Thanks
Hotcappuchinno
That whole description on run sentences makes it a whole lot clearer . It is so wonderful that people like yourself take the time to help fellow writers out.

thanks again
Hudson