My new story
- Thread starter geraldf
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Octavian
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the_bragis
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feedback
Hello geraldf,
Well I enjoyed this little story of yours. It was short and sweet, and a fun read. I like the fact that it was different from much of what I usually read in here too. I didn’t feel there was a whole lot of character description or development, but really that is your choice as the author I guess. First person is a nice intimate style to write in, and it seemed to work well for you.
This is what else I noted as I read:
Your opening paragraph is a good hook; it kind of gave me a little teasing taste of what might follow without giving too much away. Your first few paragraphs are so important so please consider a couple of these small points.
I'm not sure what that significance of Columbus Avenue in Manhattan was? Is it perhaps a seedy part of that city? Your readers are world wide, so most will not know.
You have 'massage' twice in one sentence. Always avoid repeating words too close together.
I love the 'happy ending' bit, that's cute!
That last sentence seemed a little superfluous since you have already mention earlier you will be staying only one more week.
Moving on:
Avoid the weak 'was’ word if you can. Avoid starting a sentence with a conjunctive words . Avoid using extra words. E.g. They all had one thing in common, I never gave a shit about any of them.
That brings me to my next point.
Avoid starting too many sentences in a row with the same word. It can be very repetitious. In your third paragraph every one begins with 'He'.
I’m not sure this is what you had in mind when you asked for feedback. I enjoyed your story, and your writing style. Hopefully some of this will be useful to you.
I wish you well with your future writing.
Have a great day now,
Alex. (fem)
Hello geraldf,
Well I enjoyed this little story of yours. It was short and sweet, and a fun read. I like the fact that it was different from much of what I usually read in here too. I didn’t feel there was a whole lot of character description or development, but really that is your choice as the author I guess. First person is a nice intimate style to write in, and it seemed to work well for you.
This is what else I noted as I read:
Your opening paragraph is a good hook; it kind of gave me a little teasing taste of what might follow without giving too much away. Your first few paragraphs are so important so please consider a couple of these small points.
I'm not sure what that significance of Columbus Avenue in Manhattan was? Is it perhaps a seedy part of that city? Your readers are world wide, so most will not know.
You have 'massage' twice in one sentence. Always avoid repeating words too close together.
I love the 'happy ending' bit, that's cute!
That last sentence seemed a little superfluous since you have already mention earlier you will be staying only one more week.
Moving on:
Avoid the weak 'was’ word if you can. Avoid starting a sentence with a conjunctive words . Avoid using extra words. E.g. They all had one thing in common, I never gave a shit about any of them.
That brings me to my next point.
Avoid starting too many sentences in a row with the same word. It can be very repetitious. In your third paragraph every one begins with 'He'. Exact descriptions like this are a no-no, and they will really bug some readers. It's also a problem for readers like me outside the USA, because in Australia and Europe we're on the metric system. You would be better to say he was tall or short, or whatever 5'9" is equal to.
This isn't just a no-no; it's a super no-no. You have switched tenses here (is). Also you don't need to say 'I could tell' since you are already in your thoughts. E.g. - I guessed he was some kind of scholarly nerd, maybe a grad student in philosophy. He was really nervous. - Even better still don't tell your readers 'he was nervous', show them. E.g. I watched in amusement as the corners of his lips twitched, beads of sweat had already formed on his brow, and his words seemed to catch in his throat.
There’s basically nothing with the above sentences, but it's frustrated the hell of me. Why? Simply because here is an opportunity lost for some teasing dialog. E.g. "You want extras?" I said smiling and slowly licking my lips. "For an extra thirty, I'll go topless and you can play with my tits as I stroke you." Cupping my breasts in my hands I lifted them, rubbing my nipples to tempt him further. I needed all the extra cash I could get. His eyes widened as he stared down at what was being offered, then he swallowed hard. "No, just the basics will be fine." I noted further down when Brad tells you he is a virgin, you don’t mention him blushing or feeling embarrassed, and surely he would have been.
Again there's nothing really wrong here, it just reads a little awkwardly. E.g. ' I returned to find him naked and laying face down on the table. ' This would perhaps be a stronger sentence.
Extra letters don't give extra impact, and since they really bug some readers, avoid using them.
You are going to think I'm being so damned picky here. You're going to be so damned right too, but these three little dot things should only be used when words are missing, and maybe for something else, but I forget what, and when you do use them you should have two spaces after them.
I’m not sure this is what you had in mind when you asked for feedback. I enjoyed your story, and your writing style. Hopefully some of this will be useful to you.
I wish you well with your future writing.
Have a great day now,
Alex. (fem)
Last edited:
Thank-you, Alex. That was excellent. I guess there's no real significance to saying the place was on Columbus Ave. except that a couple of the body rub parlors I've been to were there. In fact it's a rather upscale part of town. Anyway, thanks again for taking so much time reviewing my story. If you have time someday, I'd love to here what you have to say about my other stories.
geraldf
geraldf
honeysucklerose
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- Feb 15, 2003
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You have a knack for these kinds of stories, Gerald.
First person doesn't work for many but it worked for you here. I like the way you brought out the narrator's compassionate side at the end. That made the story for me.
Other than agreeing with the_bragis' grammatical suggestions (especially to use dialog more than description) I have no other comments.
Keep up the sweet work!
First person doesn't work for many but it worked for you here. I like the way you brought out the narrator's compassionate side at the end. That made the story for me.
Other than agreeing with the_bragis' grammatical suggestions (especially to use dialog more than description) I have no other comments.
Keep up the sweet work!
G
Guest
Guest
Nice effort, geraldf.
I have little to add to the_bragis's well-done critique (and I won't today). But, Alex, starting sentences with conjunctions, occasionally, is entirely persmissible in modern writing, especially if the sentence is well-constructed and appropriately linked to the flow of ideas or to the preceding sentence, as it was in this case by geraldf.
Welcome to Lit, geraldf, and good luck in your future writing.
I have little to add to the_bragis's well-done critique (and I won't today). But, Alex, starting sentences with conjunctions, occasionally, is entirely persmissible in modern writing, especially if the sentence is well-constructed and appropriately linked to the flow of ideas or to the preceding sentence, as it was in this case by geraldf.
Welcome to Lit, geraldf, and good luck in your future writing.
the_bragis
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- Mar 25, 2002
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ProofreadManx,
Ok
Alex .
Ok
Alex .
CrownJoolz
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- Feb 3, 2003
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bump
