My New Life - my first story submission

[JustNTyme]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=310618

If you look under my profile you will see two chapters listed. That is because I submitted these a few weeks ago and then revised, extended and then had them edited. I also included chapter three this time. If you look at, what is listed at Chapter 1, it is actually chapters 1,2 and 3. So no real need to read the listed chapter 2. I will see if I can have that submission removed.

Any additional feedback would be greatly appreciated and will serve as a motivator to continue the storyline I have planned.

Thanks again from a virgin writer.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=310618

If you look under my profile you will see two chapters listed. That is because I submitted these a few weeks ago and then revised, extended and then had them edited. I also included chapter three this time. If you look at, what is listed at Chapter 1, it is actually chapters 1,2 and 3. So no real need to read the listed chapter 2. I will see if I can have that submission removed.

Any additional feedback would be greatly appreciated and will serve as a motivator to continue the storyline I have planned.

Thanks again from a virgin writer.

I quit reading at 36DD's. Nothing turns me off of a story more that reading clothing size, there is nothing interesting or erotic about a bra size.

 

[_Lynn_]

I quit reading at 36DD's. Nothing turns me off of a story more that reading clothing size, there is nothing interesting or erotic about a bra size.

Sorry I'm with drk here.

 

[MarshAlien]

I'm actually with them, too. I'm sure that this kind of story gets lots of views, and probably lots of very favorable reviews, but it's not really the sort that interests me. I've written stories myself from the point of view of an 18 year old kid (3 of them), and while I hope that the dialogue is consistent with that age, I also hope that the narrator's "voice" is a good bit older. Otherwise, the only audience you're really addressing is made up of 19 year old kids.

For example:

My name is Justin and my life lately has been one big roller coaster.​

Don't start the story by telling us your name. Work it into conversation. Have the mother call him something other than "son" for a change. Just start out: My life lately has been one big roller coaster. And then prove it.

I'm 19 years old just recently started going to college.​

You need a conjunction. Or just say, I just recently started going to college. We'll all assume you're 18 or 19.

My girlfriend from high school broke up with me two weeks ago claiming it's because we are too far apart from each other. But I get the feeling it's more of an excuse to fuck around while she's at her school. Oh well.​

Where is she?

I do still live at home with my parents. It makes more sense to do it this way. I don't have to pay rent or dorm fees and I still get home cooked meals.​

What's the point of the word "do" in the first sentence?

The only main downside to still living at home with the folks is I can't exactly bring girls home for sex. My ex and I would usually do it over at her place, since her parents almost always seem to be gone. So between all the usual stress from school and the lack of sex, I've been wound up pretty tight lately.​

So this terrible lack of sex obviously stems from when you were cheating on your girlfriend, before she broke up with you two weeks ago. Or maybe you just haven't been able to survive the last two whole weeks without sex. Either way, what sort of motivation are you trying to convey?

My computer is full of porn that I've downloaded but it's starting to feel like that Green Day song, "when masturbation's lost its fun you're fuckin' lazy!"​

So you're still trying to say that what you really need, quite badly, is actual sex?

There is however the object of my fantasies since I was 13 still in the house, my gorgeous mother, Evelyn. She is the best mom in the world. She always has dinner ready for me and dad when we get home and always seems to pay attention to my needs when they are there.​

"When they are there?" This paragraph sounds like it was written by an eight year old.

My mother is 36. My father got her pregnant with me when they were seniors in high school. She is still a looker. Her long tan legs, her nice round, but firm ass and her tits... She has 36DD's.​

Well, I guess we see what's attracting you now. And what about a round ass requires the word "but" for you to also say it's firm?

I know because I checked her bra size once. She has long dirty blond hair that almost reaches her ass. She is still in great shape considering she is a stay at home mother and wife.​

Considering? Like this would normally make her go straight to pot?

I've never seen her do more that some "Jane Fonda" workouts in the living room when I was younger. I guess that was when she became the object of so many of my jerk-off sessions. I remember coming home from school one day and seeing her in her workout clothes all sweaty and bending every which way but loose.​

That's a horrible cliche. Especially here. If she was doing Jane Fonda, the one frickin' thing she would be is loose.

That's when I started to practically worship her nice round ass.​

Okay. I'm done now. Hope it helped.