My Nana's been dead for 8 months...

[bluntforcemama]

And my grandfather is already getting remarried. I got his invitation today, and all I can do is cry! He's bringing his new wife to my wedding, too. I can be civil to her (it's not her fault), but I can't be civil to him. He's a selfish, disrespectful, overzealous and over-religious chauvanist. My Nana catered to him, and this is how he respects her death, he doesn't even mourn for at least a year. I want to throw something at his face so hard that it makes a permanent crater. All he wants is a wife, and it seems that any wife will do. I haven't even fully come to grips with the death of my Nana. Any suggestions?

 

[hatara]

Hun I know how hard this is but how old is your grandfather. Have you thought of the fact that after having such a wonderful, loving woman for so long he is afraid to be alone? I lived in a senior community for a while when I was going to my old college. I find that widowers remarry rather quickly at that age. Most start dating and looking for a wife only a month or so after their spouse dies. Having been a part of a couple for so long they can't deal with being alone. Most of the time they remarry not for love but for companionship.

From the sounds of it I think it's time to pick up the phone and arrange to meet your grandfather somewhere alone and talk about it. If you can't talk to him talk to your parents.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Yes, but I can guarantee that you won't like it.

 

[bluntforcemama]

He's 65.

 

[hatara]

Yes that is the age hun. They tend to do things faster too because they feel like they don't know how long they will be around too.

 

[Azwed]

65 is not that old though. Not if he is in fairly good health. My dad is 58 and I am only 22.

His dad lived to be 88 or 89, he might have been 90 I don't remember, and he was still drinking several beers a day well into his 80's.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Okay, I can't hold my tongue cause I want you to be happy.

Sis, I know you're angry. What you see is a man that's completely disrespecting a woman that you love and cherish. You see a man whose motives are selfish and a slap in your face.

Your grandfather's relationship with your Nana, how he chooses to carry one now, and whether he chooses to do it with someone else are none of your business. You have no right to dictate to him how he should feel, how he should mourn, or what he should do with his life.

Do you want him to be miserable? Maybe he's a selfish bastard. Maybe he's not. I've got no idea whatsoever. It may be that he and your Nana had an agreement between them. Your Nana is a wonderful woman. She would no more want him to martyr himself to her memory than she would want you to hate him for not doing it.

No, it doesn't seem appropriate that he's announcing marriage after eight months. It seems that he never cared for her because a proper amount of time hasn't passed. But what's proper for you and what's proper for him are two different things.

You must remember that he has probably never been alone for long stretches of time in his life. When you're older a commitment to marriage doesn't mean as much as when you're younger because you're not spending forever, just the end of your life. You should also understand that he's a man, not a robot, and that he has needs as well. He may come from a generation or family that does not approve of catering to those needs outside of marriage.

Yes, you're angry at him. You'll have to find a way to deal with that. If you love him, you'll accept him as he is and you'll accept who he brings into his life on his terms. That's what loving someone is about. You're very hurt about losing someone you love and he's a very convenient target. It may be threatening to see him "replacing" someone that was very special to both of you so soon. To you it's replacing. To him, it's not.

Before you judge him guilty of a heinous crime of disrespecting you and your Nana, you should hear what he has to say about it. Close your mouth and listen with your heart to a grandfather that you love. Don't close your ears and listen with your hurt to a grandmother who wouldn't want either of you to suffer because of her.

 

[miles]

KillerMuffin

One mega-smart chica.