My latest submission, feedback would be appreciated :)

[Harrowborg]

This is my latest submission to literotica. Following what i said on another thread about writing for the audience vs. writing for yourself, this is I feel my best story concerning character development and motivation so hey, if you've got seconds have a browse and let me know what you think.
thanks

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=99502

 

[alias x]

First, some nitpicks:

"James saw known of his friends were online and shook his head"

The story would be a bit more universal if you replaced "AOL" with "the internet" or whatever where possible.

Personally, it nags me when people misspell words in chat. It is also somewhat out of character for 40 year olds to do so, though I admit that it happens. I am of the opinion that this detail adds little to the story and may serve to annoy some readers. One might claim I'm a nerd for being so nitpicky, but think about who your audience is...



And a really large nitpick:
"And despite being a BBW, a married mum who was twice his age, he felt himself being drawn to her, a connection developing he had only felt once with Kelly his former girl friend."

"If it was possible, he felt he was falling in love with this single mother"




As for the storyline itself, I saw the married sentence first and it stuck with me. The story really doesn't make much sense (or at least is incomplete) if the woman is married. Maybe I misread something.

 

[Harrowborg]

THanks for bringing those points to light. in terms of the lady in teh story being married, it is based on aexperience that happened between me and a woman i met. my editing probably wasn't the best lol. she is supposed to be married but the husband is no longer in her life so shes raising the daugter as a single mum. although probably should have said that.

the basic story line is taht these two strangers meet, share a bond even if it isn't real and just have a moment together. going back over it once it was up, saw some of the typos and they really bugged me lol

 

[alias x]

THanks for bringing those points to light. in terms of the lady in teh story being married, it is based on aexperience that happened between me and a woman i met. my editing probably wasn't the best lol. she is supposed to be married but the husband is no longer in her life so shes raising the daugter as a single mum. although probably should have said that.

Wouldn't that make her either divorced or widowed, depending? Why use the word married?

 

[Harrowborg]

Seperated in the process of getting divorced but currently single?

 

[alias x]

In that case, my comment that the story is incomplete if the person is married applies. You need to provide at least SOME sort of mention of how this past relationship is impacting the tryst (even if that mention is merely to say that the past relationship did not impact the tryst, which I think seems a bit unlikely).

 

[Harrowborg]

Good point. THank you for you feedback.