My latest story....please give me feed back

[MaryBears]

Hello!!

I have recently added a new story. I hope that you will take the time to read it, rate it and reply to it. I hope you enjoy yourself.
The link to my latest story is......

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=95514

Have fun,

MaryBears

 

[hiddenself]

Needs lots of work...

First of all, you have to get away from the flat, monotonous "she did this and then she did that" description. Your first paragraph has 9 sentences, 11 repetitions of "she" (did this and that). Second paragraph, 6 sentences, 7 "she." Third paragraph, 7 and 8. You get the point.

The descriptions themselves are uninspired. What's the point of us learning that it's a 2003 truck? And how does the sentence about her turning on the radio help us? We don't even learn what kind of music she likes. You might have said "and the Dixie Chicks singing... came on" or something real like that. Generic sentences don't build up a character.

Some problems with tense switches. Most of the story is in the past tense, but there are the occasional lapses to present ("She slides the washcloth..." "Her eyes meet his..." "She slides in first and...").

The dialogue is really woden at times.

“lets move toward the bed, and I will show you a good time. That is if you wish to have it?”
This doesn't sound real, but I may be wrong.

Bigger problems: clichés and other beginner's traps.

1. Looking at the mirror. It's so overdone. And in reality, not too many people look in the mirror and talk to themselves out lour.

2. "Mmmmmmmhmmmmm,"
"Yessssssssssssssss," (sss?)
"Roberttttttttttttttttttttttt" (ttt?)
Is this part of the southern speech? Just kidding.

But look up the numerous threads here at Lit -- practically every week there's a new one in the Authror's Hangout or elsewhere.

Work work work...

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I second everything that Hiddenself said.

There's an emotional flatness to the story too, and that comes from telling us too much instead of showing us what's going on in more detail. There are other and better ways to show is that someone's getting excited than by just having them yell and telling us that they're excited. They breath fast, they writhe, gasp, tremble.

You've got to concentrate on what's important and cut out what's not important. Things that are important get more attention, more detail and description. Things that aren't--like the year of her truck and just what she had to drink--should be glossed over or ignored.

For all that, it's a very clean little story. Well, it's more a fantasy than a story, isn't it? You've got to decide whether you want to learn the wrtiters' techniques that will turn it from a fantasy into a story. But it seems to me that you like telling stories, so you're off to a good start.

---dr.M.

 

[MaxSebastian]

Wait, let me get this straight.

She has a thracking great shower, scrubbing herself down, dusting off the old razor and then giving her hair a good wash. Then she gets out, has a lookie in the mirror, damn, aren't you a fox, et cetera. Then she gets in her car, meets a random punter fumbling around her lodge (no, wait for it, readers, wait for it...) and then she goes up to her room and scrubs off her make-up. Hang on! When did she put on the make-up? Or is that magical mascara that won't run whatever you do to it?

But then this detail doesn't matter, really, does it? Because there aren't any other details, this error gets lost in the reader's general lack of concern for the events and the characters here. There's simply nothing in there to grab the interest - no characterisation, no erotic build-up, no suspense, no mystery, no naughty naughty...

It reminds me very much of Sally's re-occurring dream in When Harry Met Sally , the one she's been having since she was young in which a faceless man rips off her clothes and... well, that was it.

To start with in this, you have a woman removing her clothes. Fine, but it's so free of passion or spark. So she's removing her clothes in the private of her own home - so what?

- how about: she's thinking about some guy she is craving, some guy she might have met once before, the last time she went to stay at the lodge...

- or: some neighbourhood peeping tom is looking in at her as she's doing it, and she knows he/she is, and it turns her on.

Something to give the reader anything to hang onto, here. A story invariably needs an opening hook, something in the first few paragraphs to catch the reader's interest and provide a promise of reward for the reader's investment of time in the reading of your piece.

Then once you're there, give us characters we want to care about. Who are these people? Why are they there? And come to think of it, where are they? Give them vulnerabilities, backgrounds, motivations, desires, purposes in the great scheme of things...

Oh, and some dialogue that works in this erotic context. Try reading the dialogue you've written out loud to yourself - does that sound like the kind of thing you might like to hear in a situation like this. This line, for example:

“What’s wrong hun? Have I got you wet yet?”

I read it and I hear that sound effect when someone pulls the lever away from the record player with a loud, jarring scratching noise. Lines like that mercilessly rip up any romantic atmosphere you had going.

You have an imagination, that's clear, and on the whole you do show the ability to write. You just need to keep your story from being a list. Inject some passion, some intrigue, something to give it all a little va-va-voom.


Best of luck!

Max

 

[MaryBears]

Thanks for your opinions

I would like to thank all three of you for your opinions and pointers. Yes I am very new at writing these. And I am not the best but I do it for fun. But I am glad you left a message. And I will continue to write...if nothing else for my own benefit. It gives me time to get away from all the other problems in my life.
But thanks for the pointers I will try to incorporate some of them in my stories.