My latest story arrives damaged but still kicking. Feedback?

[medjay]

A flawed version of my story "Symbiosis" was posted earlier. It has since been repaired and I would like to hear feedback.

I'm still a bit demoralized by the whole thing, especially since I've gotten some harsh feedback and I don't know which version of the story these people have read.

The piece itself is a bit different from what I've submitted in the past. It's more of a fantasy/ horror story and the sexual elements are not the main focus of the plot.

I may have slipped a bit into Clive Barker-esque territory but I still think it is a well written and interesting piece.

The most insightful feedback I've gotten so far is that the story is "weird" and thus only deserving of a "1". I'm sure there are other readers out there who can come up with something better than that.

Feel free to check it out and let me know what worked for you and what didn't.

thanks.

Story link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=47598

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

"Cav groaned and began to come. Ifa swallowed and milked his dick until there was nothing left."


medjay,

You've used good mechanics (punctuation, grammar, etc) to write an imaginative story. Unfortunately, your opening is very slow and your prose style makes it an unemotional read. An example of that problem is illustrated by the excerpt above.

The college girls and the real estate agent named Dave are well done, but do little for the story except delay its real beginning, when he enters the lobby.

Here's a few nit-picks on the first paragraph. Cavanaugh is a fairly common family name but an uncommon first name. When he's introduced, I'd suggest you use his entire name, "...when Cavanaugh Butler came through..."

You ended two straight sentences with exclaimation points. "Snow! In Albuquerque, New Mexico of all places!" Neither was needed and their use constitutes your EP quota for the year.

I complimented your mechanics, but did so despite the presents of this clunker in the first paragraph. "He'd thumbed a ride in from a jovial enough real estate agent named Dave near Santa Fe."

Hope some of this helps.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[medjay]

medjay,

You've used good mechanics (punctuation, grammar, etc) to write an imaginative story. Unfortunately, your opening is very slow and your prose style makes it an unemotional read.

You raised the two points that were my main concern. That a) the opening was too slow and b) the story was too unemotional.

I realized this as I was writing and also began to realize that the story was venturing into territory that was more bizarre than sexy. This is actually one of those stories that kind of just wrote itself. I had no idea what was going to happen next and when it was done, it was what it was.

I typically write prose in a straight-forward fashion and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, depending on the subject matter. I knew this piece was going to be a little cold, and I hoped that the tone at least fit with the main character's confusion and displacement with his situation.

Your comments are helpful, though. I think I'll get started on a rewrite with your points in mind.

thanks

 

[ladyphoenix]

Story feedback

medjay,
Okay, to be honest, if I were editing you or we were friends (always a possibility, I don't say that negatively) I would spend some time on punctuation and the mechanics of the story, but it seems to me, what you're really looking for here is STORY feedback, not mechanics feedback, so here goes my few cents worth.
I almost didn't read the story to do feedback because of the way you presented it in your post, almost apologetically, or in some way trying to 'warn' me that it was not the ordinary.
Well, I read it, and no, it's not the ordinary. HALLELUJAH! I'm always happy to find writing that screams of literacy and not just of sloppy wet orgasms.
I have to say, this is NOT the usual, but it IS erotica, in one form, and certainly there are many forms. Ultimately, one could see it as (in an overall sense) being about sexual control/slavery/the politics of choice, etc. But what I love most about it is that it really is and isn't all of those things. It's eclectic in its approach, and has many overlapping elements, just as it has the three overlapping personalities of the sisters.
I gave you a four, and wish there were four-and-a-halfs, but as there are not, you get that from me. I did not think it started slow, or had any drags in terms of pacing. Just because someone wasn't fucking someone every second is not an automatic "fault" in pacing. You did well with enough of the elements of story writing to make this a good read, even if the actual content doesn't float my boat sexually. I liked the psychology of it. The only thing I would have liked to see more of is more of Cav's inner thoughts about what was happening. Keep up the good work!

 

[ladyphoenix]

P.S.

Oh, and by the way..."unemotional read"? Puh-leeze! This is writing fiction, not Old Yeller. I'm not worried about emotion unless that's what the story is about. This one has some pretty cold elements in it, and I think it therefore does not need to be an emotional read. It sets the tone. Hell, King and Koontz don't worry about emotional reads unless the characters/plot calls for it. One must be consistent, and you were.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

"Oh, and by the way..."unemotional read"? Puh-leeze! This is writing fiction, not Old Yeller. I'm not worried about emotion unless that's what the story is about."


ladyphoenix, you sure do talk a good fight. I'm just sitting here all torn up wondering when "Old Yeller" became non-fiction. Reading that sure did ruin my day.

Oh, and by the way, ladyphoenix, can you help us by naming a few stories, novels, works of fiction, etc. that were totally devoid of those emotions you're not worried about, "...unless that's what the story is about," such as: love, hate, joy, fear, envy, lust, longing, anxiety, contempt, despair, and scorn?

Rumple Foreskin

 

[medjay]

Kind of funny when one reader likes the very things another reader doesn't. I used to run into that all the time in writing seminars.

Ladyphoenix brings up another point that had been on my mind; the particular genre of the story. I placed it in the Sci-Fi category because it seemed to be the most relevant, but it is about many things and at the same time focusing on none of them. I kind of like that.

I do wonder if readers are put off by the fact that, at the end, the origin of the three sisters is never revealed. A friend of mine says the ambiguous ending works but I felt sure that a lot of people wouldn't like it. To be honest, I'm not sure what they are.

 

[ladyphoenix]

Gee, Sir Rumpled, I don't recall saying that the story was "....totally devoid of...emotions....". I said that this story "has some pretty cold elements and...therefore does not need to be an emotional read."
The reference to Old Yeller, as I'm sure you knew before you responded, was simply hyperbole stuffed with a whole lot of sarcasm to make a point. I do not believe that all writing must force us to get out our hankies or run immediately to the Red Cross to donate blood.
This story does make us feel. Mild curiosity, perhaps. For me, definitely a bit of shuddering near-disgust (ie, the needles). It evokes emotional responses but doesn't have to be emotional to get me there. It just has to be what it is. Emotions may be a central theme to a story, or (as in this case) they may just be in the way.
Tell me, what WOULD have made this "an emotional read"? Maybe your semantics are getting in my way. What is it that this story doesn't accomplish that you think it should? I'd love to know.

 

[SexyChele]

Okay, to be honest with you, the "Sci-fi/Fantasy" genre selection put me off a little at first. Just not my thing. But I decided to read it just the same and see what I thought.

I liked it. Sure, maybe some of the mechanics could have been worked on, but the overall feel of the story was good. I, too, felt the bit about the college girls to be more than a little extra - kept thinking they were gonna show up in a dream somewhere.

I did feel a small amount of "who are these girls, anyway?" Were they real? Ghosts? Aliens? By the end of the story I understood that they just were, and accepted that.

I found the story very erotic, very enticing. I think the sex scenes actually came across as very realistic - I felt that I was actually there. (and I'm female!) I also liked the way you ended it. Ambiguous? Maybe. I've written a story that seemingly didn't have an ending to most people, and got hit hard in the feedback department because of that. I don't think it's an ending that a lot will appreciate. Most likely, many will think there is no closure to it.

I did find this story to be a bit like Stephen King or Dean Koontz, in that it was just strange in some part. But, hey, those are two of my favorite authors, so that is a good thing!

The only question that I have for you? One that has been really eating at me? This line:

"Alexia reached into the bag and withdrew another needle. This one had a hook on one end of it and a circular slot on the other."

PLEASE! What is it, and how was it used! I'm dying to know!

 

[medjay]

The only question that I have for you? One that has been really eating at me? This line:

"Alexia reached into the bag and withdrew another needle. This one had a hook on one end of it and a circular slot on the other."

PLEASE! What is it, and how was it used! I'm dying to know!

The hook was to be used for his skin, the circular slot to attatch a shackle, perhaps for stretching or suspension.

I didn't really elaborate on that in the story. I felt it was already disturbing enough.