My latest Dear Brother story...

[Susan2002]

... has just been posted and seems to be popular, but I am sticking my neck out and asking for feedback from 'The Professionals'.
(The story is Chapter 8 in a series and so may be a little out of context if the earlier episodes haven't been read.)
It continues the story of awakening love between brother and sister.
This is the first time I have posted here. I am now going to surround myself with sandbags...
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=304224

 

[Nasha]

Hi there,

I'm no expert, but I never let that get in the way of telling others how to do things.

I've had a quick look at chapter eight.

The first thing I'd suggest--and I think this is pretty imporant--is that you make your opening paragraph more engaging. The opening of a story is critical. If you don't grab the reader's attention there, you'll probably lose them. I realize this is chapter eight of a longer story, so if someone's already loving the series, they'remore likely to press on, but new readers won't give you that chance.

Here's your opening paragraph:

Michael and I waited for the next opportunity to make love with ever growing excitement. Mum and Dad had said that they were going to play cards at least once a week, and we assumed that we would have the house to ourselves the next Saturday. Imagine our disappointment when Dad told us that their friends had a family engagement and couldn't play! Michael and I tried hard to persuade Mum and Dad to go out for the evening, perhaps to the cinema, or the theatre, but try as we might they stubbornly refused to oblige. I regret to say that when Saturday arrived, the pair of us behaved very badly. We were sullen and uncooperative, and made life hell for our poor parents who obviously had no idea what was wrong with us.

You tell us there's excitement and disappoinment, but, while we know why, we don't feel those emotions with your characters, or get to go along for the ride at all.

If, instead, you show the siblings' anticipation -- for example, through a brief, serreptitious encounter in the hall where their arousal is palpable and the reader gets to feel just how desperately the two are anticipating their chance at being alone--the reader should be turned on and anticipating the pending rendezvous almost as much as the siblings are.

Then, show one of them, or both of them, learning the card game is canceled, and portray their response. Let us feel the disappointment, the bitter frustration. If you succeed in building up the tension here, the reader will be eagerly waiting for the encounter instead of skimming along apathetically for when the good stuff starts (best case scenario) or back-clicking (worst case scenario).

You do a much better job of bringing the action to life a little further on.

The prose and dialogue are working fine--the descriptions are vivid and the dialogue seems natural and flows. One thing I'd watch out for--since it's a first-person narration, be sure the language of the prose is in-keeping with the voice of your protagonist. Would a teenage girl looking at a hard cock really think it was "leaking prodigiously", or would she use some other phrase?

I hope that's helpful.

-Nasha

 

[Susan2002]

Good points

Thanks Nasha,
I go along with all you said, especially the idea that I could have described how they learned that the card game was cancelled. The language used by Jen is another good point. Chapter 1 points out that Jen is now 26, but it would still be a good idea to keep her language at the level of a teenager, albeit a precocious one.
Thanks for taking the time to read the story and give your comments.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Hi Susan2002,

Well, I'm certainly not a professional, but here is my take on your story.

I haven't read the preceeding chapters, so my views are based solely on Chapter 8.

I agree with Nasha, I found your opening paragraph weak, and somewhat meandering.

This line bothers me. To me, it implies they are underage. In most places you only need to be 18 to get a hotel room. In your response to Nasha you say that Susan is 26. It doesn't make sense.

"I wish we were old enough to get a hotel room or something." Michael mused.

I found this exchange very trite. I think it could have been written better. How old is he? It reads like he is about 14.

"I know, Jen, but look." He pointed at his groin, "It's starting to ache!"

"How long has it been like that?" I asked.

"About an hour."

"Well you could have done something yourself."

"I know Jen, but since we started... you know... doing it, I don't want to do it to myself. It doesn't seem right."

"That's sweet," I said, "but a bit silly. There's nothing wrong in it – I do it."

Michael's eyes opened wide. "What? You do it?"

"Of course," I said, "girls do it as well you know."

"Well, I know, but I never thought you did it – not my own sister..."

I laughed and gave his arm a reassuring squeeze.

"After all the things we've done, and you are shocked that I, err... rub my bean?"

You have some overly long paragraphs in your story, try to cut them down a bit, it makes them easier to read.

Ellipses, they are to be used to show an incomplete thought, or statement. Use a dash to indicate a pause.

On the positive side, your dialog is pretty good for the most part. And I think you've done a decent job of bringing your characters to life.

Overall I didn't find the story interesting enough to want to go back and read the previous chapters. I'm sure the story will find an eager and willing audience though. I think you could do better though, I do see some talent in your writing. Good luck in the future.

 

[Susan2002]

Thanks for the comments - I can see what you mean about the first paragraph. The trouble with writing in chapters that can be published months apart is that many readers will come across a chapter and will read it without reading preceding chapters. However, creating a 'plot so far' chapter each time could be very tedious to readers who start from chapter 1 and work their way through. I think what I have done is simply carry on the narrative as if all previous installments have been read.
The comment about Jen being 26 is explained by this text from the opening of Chapter 1.
"...there were so many parallels between them and my twin brother Michael and me. We have recently turned 26 but the memory of how our love affair started when we were still teenagers is still as fresh as if it happened last week"

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Thanks for the comments - I can see what you mean about the first paragraph. The trouble with writing in chapters that can be published months apart is that many readers will come across a chapter and will read it without reading preceding chapters. However, creating a 'plot so far' chapter each time could be very tedious to readers who start from chapter 1 and work their way through. I think what I have done is simply carry on the narrative as if all previous installments have been read.
The comment about Jen being 26 is explained by this text from the opening of Chapter 1.
"...there were so many parallels between them and my twin brother Michael and me. We have recently turned 26 but the memory of how our love affair started when we were still teenagers is still as fresh as if it happened last week"

I totally agree, creating a "plot thus far" would be tedious for readers of the series.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Too often incest stories are beyond belief, crazy fantasies that are impossible to believe. I have only read this latest part, but I congratulate you in managing to keep a plausible relationship within the confines of an erotic story.

The scenes with the doctor, fear of discovery, worry about the future, are great but this a cut above the posts you normally find here. And you write well.

Reading the comments above, I would make this comment. People who join in part 8 must realize there is some back story they’ve missed. Don’t pander to them.

I came in cold and still was bored by your opening paragraph.

"Well," Michael said, "that's that! Looks like we aren't going to be alone tonight."

"No," I agreed, "and I was so looking forward to it. I feel a bit guilty about the way we have been – it's not as if it's their fault, is it?". Mum and Dad had said that they were going to play cards at least once a week, and we assumed that we would have the house to ourselves the next Saturday. Imagine our disappointment when Dad told us that their friends had a family engagement and couldn't play! Michael and I tried hard to persuade Mum and Dad to go out for the evening, perhaps to the cinema, or the theatre, but try as we might they stubbornly refused to oblige. I regret to say that when Saturday arrived, the pair of us behaved very badly. We were sullen and uncooperative, and made life hell for our poor parents who obviously had no idea what was wrong with us.

Later in the afternoon Michael and I went out to sit in the garden and chat.

"Well," Michael said, "that's that! Looks like we aren't going to be alone tonight."

"No," I agreed, "and I was so looking forward to it. I feel a bit guilty about the way we have been – it's not as if it's their fault, is it?"

I would have begun with;

"Well," Michael said, "that's that! Looks like we aren't going to be alone tonight."

"No," I agreed, "and I was so looking forward to it. I feel a bit guilty about the way we have been – it's not as if it's their fault, is it?"

For us latecomers you could have added a comment like;

Michael and I tried hard to persuade Mum and Dad to go out for the evening, perhaps to the cinema, or the theatre, but try as we might they stubbornly refused to oblige.

After the slow opening, the story takes on a life of its own – and you have a way with words. Keep going.