My Incomprehension Leads Me to Pose Some Questions I Cannot Answer Myself

[Brute_Force]

Question I:

Having little experience with relationships that evolve via the Internet, I wish to inquire quite simply whether or not these relationships are valuable and meaningful in any sense? The reason for my question is simple: I have made a few friends online and some of these friendships have gone on to become slightly more intimate (to the extent that this is even possible via the restrictions presented by involvements vis-a-vis the web). As a consequence, I find myself at a crossroads because on some level I can't see these involvements ever being anything more than a diversion as they are not flesh-and-blood.


Question 2:

I was involved with a woman a decade ago for about 5 years. We lived together and were happy for a time, but I certainly never considered her the love of my life. I did love her, but very soon moved on. After a decade, out of the clear blue sky, she finds my MySpace page, writes me, and then begins sending me a bunch of e-mails all the time, and I have no idea why. I mean, I'm not the least bit interested in getting back together with her or even in what she's doing now (beyond the fact that I'm glad she's well and all). Honestly, what in the world does this woman want, do you think?

Puzzled.

 

[SimpleGifts]

Question I:

Having little experience with relationships that evolve via the Internet, I wish to inquire quite simply whether or not these relationships are valuable and meaningful in any sense? The reason for my question is simple: I have made a few friends online and some of these friendships have gone on to become slightly more intimate (to the extent that this is even possible via the restrictions presented by involvements vis-a-vis the web). As a consequence, I find myself at a crossroads because on some level I can't see these involvements ever being anything more than a diversion as they are not flesh-and-blood.

I'll tackle this one...I have online-only relationships that I consider MORE substantive than many of my "in-person" relationships. It depends on what defines a "relationship," obviously. If you NEED to have skin-to-skin contact for a relationship to be worthwhile, then an online-only relationship will never be completely fulfilling to you. But with some online friends, I find that the ability to communicate by text alone (or even by phone) without having the person in front of me made it easier to be more honest and discuss more difficult subjects, without fear about what her immediate reaction would be. So, the emotional intimacy grew even more quickly online than in a "conventional" relationship, because we were both willing to open up to each other that much faster.

I'll always want at least one face-to-face relationship to really feel fulfilled in the greater sense, but online relationship can fill a role in my life that make them much more than "diversions."

But that's just me.

SG

 

[Tzah]

I've become "close" to or attached to someone online, and I honestly can't say it was a good thing for me. I won't do it again. I have what I want and need off-line, and need to focus on that instead of "collecting people", if that makes sense. Other people need that kind of ... something... from a relationship, be it online or otherwise.

Regardless of how little of our identities we try to put into online relations with others, our selves still come through. You become attracted to that other "self" sometimes, and when it's gone, you grieve it just like you would something "real", because in a way, it was, it was just too far away to touch.

That's why "I'm just here to write". If I make friends as a result of it, that's great, but I'm not actively seeking or promoting "ties" to someone else, because when those ties are tested, you can get burned, no matter how "It's just for fun, just for the internet" it is. It can get confusing if you have a stupid brain like mine and have to JKROWLING everything (hash, over-analyze, think out, search for things that may or may not be there)... just let me write, I'll try to keep my head down and my nose clean.

About your ex- Hm... not something that's happened to me, but now I came across an ex I really loved (ok, lusted, infatuated, etc, it wasn't really love-love).. to the point that it still smarts a little to think about him. I thought about sending him a hello, maybe trying to play catch-up... but why? Life has gone on. If I did, that would be me just trying to hover, to get back into his intimate space again, to "be there", when our separation is obviously what was wanted and what worked best. So I just didn't say anything and let it go. If it bothers you and you haven't shared your contact information with this woman, just "ignore it and it'll go away"... if you put it out of sight and mind, it can't bother you. The hard part is actually KEEPING it out of sight and mind.

Hope I glossed over my unsolicited two cents without pulling out a gut for show and tell. It's kind of embarassing, but sometimes you can't say something without divulging things you'd rather not.

 

[flavortang]

The rule is this: All people are full of shit, even more so online.

 

[tickledkitty]

The rule is this: All people are full of shit, even more so online.

Are you including yourself in that, Flav?

 

[Recidiva]

Question I:

Having little experience with relationships that evolve via the Internet, I wish to inquire quite simply whether or not these relationships are valuable and meaningful in any sense? The reason for my question is simple: I have made a few friends online and some of these friendships have gone on to become slightly more intimate (to the extent that this is even possible via the restrictions presented by involvements vis-a-vis the web). As a consequence, I find myself at a crossroads because on some level I can't see these involvements ever being anything more than a diversion as they are not flesh-and-blood.


Question 2:

I was involved with a woman a decade ago for about 5 years. We lived together and were happy for a time, but I certainly never considered her the love of my life. I did love her, but very soon moved on. After a decade, out of the clear blue sky, she finds my MySpace page, writes me, and then begins sending me a bunch of e-mails all the time, and I have no idea why. I mean, I'm not the least bit interested in getting back together with her or even in what she's doing now (beyond the fact that I'm glad she's well and all). Honestly, what in the world does this woman want, do you think?

Puzzled.

Well, for me, I've been sexually involved with nine men, married three of them, proposed to by the rest of them. I met the first in a cult, the other eight online. So I have a skewed bit of experience there. Online is MORE real to me because I tend not to hang around the solid and stable.

Sometimes nostalgia is all it takes. An interest in connecting with your past. Doesn't have to go anywhere, it's just like putting a fresh coat of paint down on a friendship.

 

[flavortang]

Are you including yourself in that, Flav?

(sigh)Kitty, I'm always exempt from my own ramblings and generalizations. Haven't you figured that out yet? Tsk tsk tsk...

 

[tickledkitty]

(sigh)Kitty, I'm always exempt from my own ramblings and generalizations. Haven't you figured that out yet? Tsk tsk tsk...

Okay. Well, FWIW, I think you're included.

 

[flavortang]

Okay. Well, FWIW, I think you're included.

No, see, I MADE the rule. I own it, so I pretty much determine who it applies to. Not me so much. You be careful, it's close to applying to you.

 

[impressive]

I'll tackle this one...I have online-only relationships that I consider MORE substantive than many of my "in-person" relationships. It depends on what defines a "relationship," obviously. If you NEED to have skin-to-skin contact for a relationship to be worthwhile, then an online-only relationship will never be completely fulfilling to you. But with some online friends, I find that the ability to communicate by text alone (or even by phone) without having the person in front of me made it easier to be more honest and discuss more difficult subjects, without fear about what her immediate reaction would be. So, the emotional intimacy grew even more quickly online than in a "conventional" relationship, because we were both willing to open up to each other that much faster.

I'll always want at least one face-to-face relationship to really feel fulfilled in the greater sense, but online relationship can fill a role in my life that make them much more than "diversions."

But that's just me.

SG

Yup.

 

[tickledkitty]

Having little experience with relationships that evolve via the Internet, I wish to inquire quite simply whether or not these relationships are valuable and meaningful in any sense? The reason for my question is simple: I have made a few friends online and some of these friendships have gone on to become slightly more intimate (to the extent that this is even possible via the restrictions presented by involvements vis-a-vis the web). As a consequence, I find myself at a crossroads because on some level I can't see these involvements ever being anything more than a diversion as they are not flesh-and-blood.

This is something you have to answer for yourself. Are these relationships, in fact, valuable and meaningful to you? They must be, or you wouldn't have allowed yourself to become involved at that level. So why are you at a crossroads? Surely, you can enjoy what you have without making some decision or coming to some conclusion.

I agree with SG, in that some of my online relationships have been more substantive than RL, as well. There's something pure and clean (for lack of better words) about a relationship where nothing and no one physical interferes. I sometimes think my online persona is the real me. I'm not playing the role of wife, mother, daughter, or whoever I am expected to be in RL. I'm just me, like it or not. I also agree that intimacy grows much more quickly and easily in these types of relationships.

I think you just take it for what it's worth and enjoy it while you can.

I was involved with a woman a decade ago for about 5 years. We lived together and were happy for a time, but I certainly never considered her the love of my life. I did love her, but very soon moved on. After a decade, out of the clear blue sky, she finds my MySpace page, writes me, and then begins sending me a bunch of e-mails all the time, and I have no idea why. I mean, I'm not the least bit interested in getting back together with her or even in what she's doing now (beyond the fact that I'm glad she's well and all). Honestly, what in the world does this woman want, do you think?

Again, I'm not sure why you feel the need to "do something" about this woman. You can either respond or not. The choice is yours. Why does she have to "want" anything from you? Could it be that she is just being friendly?

 

[Brute_Force]

My deepest and most sincere thanks for taking the time to try and help me wrestle with questions that are currently taking up head space.

With regards to my ex-gf, I think I'm just going to let that all go and not respond because I don't have any desire to go back to that place in my life.

With regards to the evolving Internet relationships, I think I'm going to be a bit more open-minded and let those develop as they want to...take them as they are.

 

[Guest]

My deepest and most sincere thanks for taking the time to try and help me wrestle with questions that are currently taking up head space.

With regards to my ex-gf, I think I'm just going to let that all go and not respond because I don't have any desire to go back to that place in my life.

With regards to the evolving Internet relationships, I think I'm going to be a bit more open-minded and let those develop as they want to...take them as they are.

There is a very good chance you may someday meet those online friends in person.

Having enjoyed that experience, I can share that it has truly enriched my life and strengthened those relationships.

 

[SimpleGifts]

I agree with SG, in that some of my online relationships have been more substantive than RL, as well. There's something pure and clean (for lack of better words) about a relationship where nothing and no one physical interferes. I sometimes think my online persona is the real me. I'm not playing the role of wife, mother, daughter, or whoever I am expected to be in RL. I'm just me, like it or not. I also agree that intimacy grows much more quickly and easily in these types of relationships.

Ever read Sherry Turkle's "Life on the Screen?" We all adopt different personae on the 'Net, often for different reasons and different roles. But I'm with you...I can be MORE like myself on a forum like Lit...precisely because there are no expectations and few negative effects from just being who I am. If I were this completely authentic in my job or even amongst some people in my family, I think people would have a very hard time handling it.

I'm trying to get to a point where I CAN be this authentic in "real life," but first I have to extricate myself from the elaborate fiction I've woven that has BECOME my "real life."

So which is the real me, the identity I assume here that is mostly unvarnished, or the identities I assume when I'm an employee, manager, husband, father, etc.?

SG

 

[tickledkitty]

Ever read Sherry Turkle's "Life on the Screen?" We all adopt different personae on the 'Net, often for different reasons and different roles. But I'm with you...I can be MORE like myself on a forum like Lit...precisely because there are no expectations and few negative effects from just being who I am. If I were this completely authentic in my job or even amongst some people in my family, I think people would have a very hard time handling it.

I'm trying to get to a point where I CAN be this authentic in "real life," but first I have to extricate myself from the elaborate fiction I've woven that has BECOME my "real life."

So which is the real me, the identity I assume here that is mostly unvarnished, or the identities I assume when I'm an employee, manager, husband, father, etc.?

SG

No, I haven't read it, but I'll look for it. You said this more eloquently than I was able to. It is all about others' expectations of me. I think attempting to be more authentic in RL is a good idea.

 

[rgraham666]

Trying to live up to other's expectations cost me my sanity at one point in my life. Most people don't know what they want and aren't afraid of hurting you when you don't reach the unknown.

On the Net there are no expectations except simple courtesy.

That I can handle.

 

[The_Fool]

Question 1:

Relationships are two people responding to each other. They are media independent. Do not require face to face contact. I have never met my boss in person, does not change the relationship. On-Line relationships can be incredibly important, assuming that you are willing to devote the time and energy to them. Up until the Internet age, you had many people having incredible friendships through the glory of mail. No ability to meet. Weeks or months might pass between correspondences. However those individuals counted their "penpals" as some of their greatest friends.

Question 2:

She saw something in you or something in herself that she wants to recapture. Even if it is simply friendship. If you don't want to be friends, cut it off. But do it politely.

 

[SimpleGifts]

Trying to live up to other's expectations cost me my sanity at one point in my life. Most people don't know what they want and aren't afraid of hurting you when you don't reach the unknown.

Wow, ain't that the truth. Brings to mind one of my favorite Yogi Berra quotes (loosely paraphrased)..."You've gotta be careful if you don't know where you want to go, because you might not get there."

I find that there are many people who have no idea where they want to be and are very unhappy because they haven't gotten there yet...and then get very defensive and hostile when you point that out.

SG