My halloween story, tell me what you think

[oldfart4fun]

Check out my Halloween story, tell me what you think ... good or bad, I would like to hear from you!
Trapped Souls, it's a 5 part story, please read them.
link: http://english.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=697681&page=submissions
E-Mail me here: oldfart4fun@yahoo.com
Thank you, oldfart4fun

 

[Flashlight7.5]

brief comments

I was short on time, so I skimmed through the first page of the first part.

You need to start the action of this story a lot sooner. The reader has to read through a lot of exposition to get to the hook of the story (the car wreck). Is the reader going to care what the characters are wearing? I understand they've just come from a Halloween party, but does that truly matter to the story? Do the costumes reflect a hidden aspect of their personalities?

I'd start this story with the paragraph that begins "SARAH!" Start as close to the end as possible.

However, take out all the all-caps screams. In fact, you can take out almost all of the exclamation points.

"Suddenly the wheels pulled to the right as the tires caught the sharp drop of the ragged pavement."

That's it? That's the only explanation we get? You haven't set up that the road is haunted or anything like that. The car just lurches on its own. It's unbelievable. I know this is a horror story, but horror must have some sense of believability if you want to hook the reader.

Also, the word "suddenly" should be banned from all literature. It's a cheap way out. It's like writing "...and then all hell broke loose."

You can also take out just about all of the adverbs. You don't need to write that the rain "briskly drizzled." Just write that it drizzled. You don't need to write that she "lightly slept," just that she slept. Also, if you're going to use adverbs, use them in the correct way.

"The engine purred softly" is incorrect. It should read "The engine softly purred." "The engine purred softly" literally reads that the engine purred the word "softly." Engine = subject, purred = verb, softly = object. But you don't need "softly" at all. What's wrong with "The engine purred?" It tells us the engine was running well.

I'll close with one of my usual Kurt Vonnegut quotes: "Every sentence must do one of two things: reveal character or advance the action."

All else must be cut.

 

[oldfart4fun]

wow ... ok

That really does help me. Thank you, I appreciate your honesty. I will try the advise on my next story. I'm very new to this, so it really helps when somebody has good critisism. Thanks again. oldfart4fun@yahoo.com