My freaking mind

[mac272]

I am sitting with this attack of thoughts rushing thru me like a speeding train.Thoughts of life,love SEX,money,greed,hate.I find that with these thoughts I get a small tingle that starts deep down and moves so slowly thru my mind down towards my feet and in and out of every pore.I feel so alive yet in the same instance I feel like I'm dying inside.I yearn to let some one in to help me navigate thru this little worm hole in my mind.I feel if i let people in that I will lose part of myself in the the exchange,I feel like a god and a little scared child all at the same time.I love and hate it need and don't want it....... I want some mental gradification.

 

[_Land]

I am sitting with this attack of thoughts rushing thru me like a speeding train.Thoughts of life,love SEX,money,greed,hate.I find that with these thoughts I get a small tingle that starts deep down and moves so slowly thru my mind down towards my feet and in and out of every pore.I feel so alive yet in the same instance I feel like I'm dying inside.I yearn to let some one in to help me navigate thru this little worm hole in my mind.I feel if i let people in that I will lose part of myself in the the exchange,I feel like a god and a little scared child all at the same time.I love and hate it need and don't want it....... I want some mental gradification.

I am sitting with this attack
of thoughts rushing thru me
like a speeding train
Thoughts of life

love

SEX

money

greed

hate

I find that with these
I get a small tingle
that starts deep
moves so slowly
thru my mind
towards my feet
in and out
every pore
I feel so alive
I'm dying inside
I yearn to let
one inside
help navigate
this little worm hole
of my mind

if i let people in
I will lose part of me
in exchange
like a god
a little scared child
all at once
I love
I hate it
I need
Dont want
mental gratification
What I want

 

[_Land]

BTW, i just put it in a poetic form

It makes it more pallatible to read, Hope the small edits didnt offend you............. i enjoyed the read _Land

 

[mac272]

Thank you no worrys about offending me,that's just the way it flows from my mind.....

 

[_Land]

Thank you no worrys about offending me,that's just the way it flows from my mind.....

Please keep posting, I enjoy what you had to write, but to get more response, try cutting it in to stanza's

 

[mac272]

I'm pretty new when it comes to writing what is stanza?.And have you been at this for awhile?

 

[_Land]

Look at what i did with your poem

I'm pretty new when it comes to writing what is stanza?.And have you been at this for awhile?

(this is a stanza) it is a break down of lines and thoughts seperation gives the reader time to reflect.... If you read the way i wrote your poem it has emphasis at certain points, then read the writing you originaly posted.......... It reads through in a freantic pace, like a story, no pause, hard to read what you are emphasizing, a Stanza is like a comma, in a story it makes you stop, before you go on.

I am sitting with this attack
of thoughts rushing thru me
like a speeding train
Thoughts of life



Then i seperated each word in to a one word stanza it give real emphasis to each word .................... that is what a stanza is for

 

[mac272]

Badass thanks it has been awhile for english class.I am very impressed.Where r u from and what do you do if I may ask?

 

[_Land]

Badass thanks it has been awhile for english class.I am very impressed.Where r u from and what do you do if I may ask?

I live in the Ozarks, I am an Sales manager/ Head Estimator for a construction firm.........

 

[mac272]

Sounds interesting? is it? Well I am a Air force Doc (almost a 4th yr res.) I am in the lovly state of TEXAS where everything is big even the ego's.I have been in the military for about 3 a half yrs.I really am not as boring as I sound!!!! BOYAAAAAHHHHHH

 

[_Land]

Mac

Sounds interesting? is it? Well I am a Air force Doc (almost a 4th yr res.) I am in the lovly state of TEXAS where everything is big even the ego's.I have been in the military for about 3 a half yrs.I really am not as boring as I sound!!!! BOYAAAAAHHHHHH

Life is only boring if you let it be........keep writing, try and write down something every day, even if what you write doesnt seem to make sense it help s get rid of the crap inside, and gets the creatice juices flowing.

 

[mac272]

Feeling the mighty
weight of time sitting
on my shoulders
weighing me down like a drunken
street vegrant.I see with glassy
eyes the angry
years
months
days
mins
sec
float by me almost laughing
I struggle to catch up trying
to keep my
body
mind
soul
all in tip top shape
This race I'm forced to run
makes me tired
am I going
to wake up
one day and be my father
or be my father's father
do I tip toe around as to hide from
aging.
Is 30 almost 60
is 40 going to be like I've hit 80.
DAMN I want to be 18 again
.And not
understand that I am in the most
interesting
frustrating
exciting
times of my life.
I feel like
my eyes have been open for years.
And I just want a chance to blink again.......

Just a thought or two please tell me what you think

 

[_Land]

Expect a reply on monday, it takes a little more time to go through a whole Poem............ i like the beginning, it looks good

 

[_Land]

I think one of the first thing you should do before posting is Read your poem aloud, how does it sound does it flow smoothly? Also run it through a spell checker unless your intent was the mispelling. Also if you read through your poem, you can get rid of useless word if the statement makes sense with out (the, and etc) dont use them.... also consider backspeaking some of your sentences (instead of I see with glassy eyes try with glassy eyes, I see) Hope this helps This was much better then the first one and a great subject too> Regards _Land




Here is my edit, BTW, i am probably the worst one in here for editing, LOL but i take an interest in what you write.


Feeling the mighty
weight of time
on my shoulders

Like a drunken
street vagrant.
I see with glassy eyes

the angry years
months days minutes
seconds float by me
almost laughing

I struggle to catch up
trying to keep
body mind soul
in tip top shape

I'm forced to run
this race, Im tired
will i wake up?
be my father ?
my father's father?

do I tip toe around?
as to hide from aging.
Is 30 almost 60?
is 40 like I've hit 80.
DAMN I want to be 18 again


And not understand
that I am in the most
interesting, frustrating, exciting
times of my life.

I feel like
my eyes have been open
for years.
I just want a chance to blink again.......

 

[mac272]

I can see what your saying.I really think it does flow better thanks.

 

[_Land]

I see what can see what your saying.I really think it does flow better thanks.

Just keep trying, you will get there........ and read some poetry, mimic someof what you see with word of your own invention.............looking forward to your next post. _Land

 

[beths-virtue]

interrupting conversation,im good at that

hey , youre already showing great improvement mac.

ohhh.. yoo whooo... land, where did you get all the great ideas for editing poetry?

 

[mac272]

Thanks Beth I really enjoy hearing what people think. Do you write at all?If so I would love to read some.

 

[_Land]

Thanks Beth I really enjoy hearing what people think. Do you write at all?If so I would love to read some.

Hey Mac, beths-virtue Poem Page Lives here

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=144429



You can find some of my poems here
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=139191





beth, i dont know where those ideas come from, I dont ever edit my work