My first two stories. Any comments?

[AlanPacker]

Well, my first two stories have been posted:

"As Requested" a very short Toys & Masturbation story.


and "Fate accompli"a non erotic story


Constructive comments would be very welcome.

 

[CharleyH]

Well, my first two stories have been posted:

"As Requested" a very short Toys & Masturbation story.

and "Fate accompli"a non erotic story


Constructive comments would be very welcome.

You have a good command of language, and some very good descriptions. My bias, and it is a bias: you write in a sort of second person that detracts from the action ... YOU - YOU - YOU in almost every line, when the story strikes me as being told from a voyeur pespective because of this line:

You will do this how he wants you to, not how you always do.

And so I would rather see She/he or her/him.

It was a bit rushed, which is not bad, but there was no count down, lead up to:

That's it, it's time.

And what I mean is there was no power exchange either, that made it time. It is a stong statement.

I can see you have the obvious ability to write well, to write excellently. But these things detracted from my engaging in the story, from it being a turn on, sexually and intellectually and I mean there was no suspense.

Just my take. Others may feel different.

 

[msboy8]

I read both stories. I commented on "As Requested". Good story, but you need more work. Try writing in the third person, it works well. As for "Fate accompli", I am not stupid, (or do only stupid people say that?) but as is, I don't understand the end to your story. As the first of 2 or more, it makes sense, but as a stand alone, I think it was lacking. Keep writing, you are very skilled.

 

[AlanPacker]

Thank you both for your comments. I found them constructive, informative and encouraging.