My first two poems

[Rache_Bratai]

Hola Literotica,

I've somehow conned them into posting two poems of mine, so feel free to give em a read ...

view here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=108827

Any feedback is appreciated. As a note: 'Recipe For Passionfruit Ecstacy' is intimate and interactive whereas 'Soul of Elven' is a cute fantasy. You'll see that they're quite different.

Remember it's my first time, so be gentle...

Rache

(Who will eventually get around to a sig)

 

[Star At Sunrise]

My First Two Critiques

Hey Rache,

 

[Lauren Hynde]

exchanging recipes

Hi, Rache_Bratai

Just wanted to let you know I thoroughly enjoyed 'Recipe For Passionfruit Ecstacy'. Great title, nice rhythm and very entertaining! Hilarious!

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Say what?!?

Heh heh. I still can't figure out this internet thing. Shows you how insightful this critique is going to be!

Anyway, thanks for your poems, rache. I hope you'll give your opinion to some other writer also. Every little bit helps.

I liked "Soul Of Elven" very much. Simple and to the point, but some good images.

I especially liked:

"Give me a touch from this goddess,
A light tickle, laughter, and a hearts home.
From my busy lips,
Escapes a bare moan."

Every line has meaning, and I like the image "hearts home." Very nice.

Also the last line: "And love is here." a perfect ending. This poem is very good.

"A Recipe for Passionfruit Ecstasy" is a good title and a good idea. It's a bit to long and more of an impressionistic cybersex story than a poem, though. Some of it read a little rough, and evoking sensual images and flavors of fruits, and then mixing it with words like "cunt", "tramp" and "whore" kind of throw off some of the mood, I thought.

Also, the rhymes seemed thrown in there arbitrarily. You might want to forget about trying to rhyme at all, or else try rhyming in a consistent pattern. But beware, rhyming takes quite a bit of work if you don't want to have a "sing song/nursery rhyme" quality to your poem. And rhyming "now" with "now" just doesn't work. One cheesy rhyme can make the reader laugh, and that's bad if you're trying to turn them on or make them understand a little of how you look at things.

Hope that helps! Keep writing!

Star At Sunrise

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Noooooooo!!!!!

I've gone from virgin to experienced!!!!!!!!! Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! I want my virginity back!!!!!!!!!!!! Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't tell me I have to get one of those awful A/V's now?!?! I don't want to dress my penis up on a little top hat and bow tie!!!!!!! Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

I'm going to bitch about this until I reach 1000 posts!!

 

[WickedEve]

I think Soul of Elven is a nice poem.
The recipe poem has a good title and it's a cute idea! I'm sure the person you wrote it for loved it. I know if my lover wrote something like that for me, I'd like it. But... I don't think it makes for good poetry. I'd love to see you trim it down and rework it. I think you could turn it into a really fun poem.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

OK, let me rephrase that.

Star at Sunrise (How are you, buddy?) said that «One cheesy rhyme can make the reader laugh, and that's bad if you're trying to turn them on or make them understand a little of how you look at things».

Well, if you were trying to turn me (the reader) on, or convey any kind of deep emotional message, you failed miserably... But that's not all poetry is about, is it, Eve? I mean, I had a good time reading it and had a few laughs! Laughter is a balm to the soul! So in that way, 'Recipe For Passionfruit Ecstacy' did more for me than the average so called 'poem' you and me both find in this place...

But that's just what I think

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Hey Lauren! You rule!!! I can't believe both you and Angeline are virgin posters too! Maybe WE'RE the new rennassance here at Literotica!

Hey rac, when Lauren speaks, you listen! Check out the top list for yourself!

Anyways, it was a fun poem, and I agree with some streamlining it could be even better. It certainly was an idea I've never read in a poem, that's for sure!

 

[Rache_Bratai]

To explain my recipe...

...I wanted to create Frankenstein!

Feedback votes: (for the Recipe)

Star: Needs work - Awkward

Eve: Needs work - but thinks it's good for the woman in my life

Feedback Email - Hottest thing since Hentai. hot. Hot. HOT.

Lauren: Gave her the giggles

My lover: She actually followed the instructions. Gave the OMYGOODNESS!! Seal of Approval.

To be honest, I thought it was a bit awkward myself, and Lauren I agree, it is humourous because it's so over the top. However I think it's neat because of the wildly different feedback it's receiving.

And to finally explain the Recipe - You're supposed to follow the instructions. Don't forget a towel!

Rache

PS - thank you very much for the feedback, keep it coming, and expect a continuation of the Elven poem...