My first try at erotica....some feedback please.

[Erotic Author]

Just a small fish in a big pond looking for some feedback.

The story is in the Non Consent category.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=100471

Thanks.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Hi, EA. Read your story, and for a first effort it's not bad. You've got some strengths; you've got some weaknesses.

Let's look at the story first as story, and then as erotic story, to try and keep the erotic content separate from the story itself.

The story moves along very well and is almost all action. There's not a lot of description, not much dialog (though what there was I thought was pretty good, pretty natural), and no background information. These things are neither bad nor good, they're just the way you write. Personally, I think it's refreshing to see a story that doesn't have to stop and fill you in on her past, on what she looks like, on why she's drinking. It starts with a big bang, and just keeps on going from there. I liked that. I was easy to read because of that.

Also, everything that happened was pretty realistic. I don;t mean that cops are really likely to drag a drunk girl off to the woods for a quick gangbang, but if they did, it would probably happen something like the way you described. It could have been real. It was plausible, which is what's important in fiction.

I though the beginning was maybe overdone. I know you want to hit the ground running, grab the reader's attention and not let go, but still, I thought her drunken behavior was a little over the top.

What happens though, is that the story undergoes a major shift of focus when they get to the woods. In the beginning of the story, Roxanne is obvioulsy the protagonist, the one driving the story. Then once they get her in the car, the cops take over and they're the protagonist. It's true that they becomes the ones who are 'doing' things and driving the story, but you've set up us so that our eyes are on Roxanne, and it's like suddenly she's only a prop.

Check out the sex scene and see how many times you tell us what Roxanne is experiencing or even doing. Not much. Things are being done to her, but we really don;t know what's going on with her. She migt as well be an inflatable love doll for all she has to do with the story from here on out.

I found that very odd and disconcerting. What was she thnking? Was she so drunk that she was passed out on her feet? Did she try to fight? Did she just not give a shit? She seems to completely disappear from the story.

This brings me to some questions about the basic erotic nature of this situation: If she's so out of it, is the situation even erotic? Is there anything erotic about fucking someone who's passed out? I guess there could be, but only if they're capable of making some kind of response.

Erotica to me is a kind of call-and-response. The excitement comes in seeing how B reacts when A does such and such, and how A reacts when B does such and such.: the give and take. The most erotic stuff, for me anyhow, is knowing what they're thinking and feeling, or being able to tell by the way they act and what they do. Because Roxanne is so hopelessly shitfaced, we're deprived of that. These two cops double fuck her and I don't think she even so much as moans. That's just not very sexy for me.

The way you make a sex scene sexy is by paying attention to description and detail, and here's where you fall down. You have a good eye for detail--the mention of her cuffs touching the cop is good, I think. Very vivid--but you don't use it enough. The sex is too much just telling what was done and not enough showing, not enough sensual detail.

The big question for me was whether I could find a woman so drunk that she can't even walk to be sexy at all. Truth is, I kept waiting for her to puke. I wanted to see if they'd still fuck her if she puked. I'm glad you didn't tell me, but it's kind of hard to let yourself get into a story when you keep on waiting for the main chartacter to start making those sounds that tell you lunch is coming back for an encore.

But for a first story, I think you did a good job. And I did like the "Swift Justice" gag. (Oops. Maybe I shouldn;t say 'gag')

---dr.M.

 

[Erotic Author]

Because Roxanne is so hopelessly shitfaced, we're deprived of that. These two cops double fuck her and I don't think she even so much as moans. That's just not very sexy for me.

I appreciate your comments. I think I could have built upon Roxanne's character more. I did have Roxanne's body respond to her assailants but her reactions were at a minimum. I suppose that what I had imagined in the scene, came across differently when I wrote it. In retrospect, I rushed this story and made few changes to it.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I have to admit an interest in what in BDSM is known as a "Chloroform story". In a chloroform story, the victim is knocked unconscious before sex. I have really ambivalent feeling about this. On the one hand it almost smacks of necrophilia, and there's no way you can characterize the sex as anything but rape, and rape on a helpless victim at that. So that makes me cringe.

On the other hand, there's something very erotically appealing to me about the idea of having someone before you to whom you can pretty much do anything you want.

Anyhow, as concerns erotic writing, I think it's important to note that just because your victim is unconscious doesn't mean you don't have to describe what she's doing. You still have to describe how she responds to what's going on, even if she only responds reflexively or passively. If you don't, then you're effectively leaving her out of the story.

In my ideal chloroform story, the woman may respond passively, but she responds enthusuastically. It flows naturally into a kind of hypnosis fantasy, where she gets to act out her fantasies without being responsible for them.

---dr.M.

 

[maggie2002]

Swift Justice indeed. Well done kept my attention from start to finish both finishes lol! Seriously I could close my eyes and see the parking lot, and the cops and watch the action the descriptions were that good. It is an old story line but you did it well with a couple of seriously new twists I would recommend it

 

[Erotic Author]

Thank you.

 

[maggie2002]

Obviously Dr M and I have a difference of opinion. With the exception of the scene where they are servicing her mouth and there is no discussion of if she is participating ,if they are worried about her biting how she is handling the cock down her throat I think you did really well for a first time author and said so. I believe we got the idea in the beginning of what type of a woman she was in the origional bar scene. It is not necessary to describe her to the color of hair or shape of her tits to be erotic thats something else. She was obviously drunk, they obviously since you said she was went got excited. Oh Yeah you might want to read up on anal sex and doubleteaming because I think you would have hurt the woman in real life but you write you learn. You did good and people have differences of opinions . I hope you balance the hard with the more gentle. Killermuffin has a new thread where you can go for feedback before you put it on the board you might want to try that