My first time. ;)

[MarkRF]

Hi,
I'm new to writing and can't judge myself if i'm any good. Quite enjoyed writing it though. Any feedback oand suggestions would be most welcome.
Many Thanks
Mark

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=395266

 

[kbate]

Hello,

Your story is not bad, but it is not a complete story. You fail to develop the character to a level where the reader actually cares about her.

Your similes are weak. You should be very careful in erotica when using simile, as quickly you can change from arousal to humour with unrealistic comparisons.

This section: " It was then that she noticed that the hands were still gripping her wrists and ankles; she had stopped noticing them following the ecstatic experience that she had just had. However, now she started to buck and move under the strain of being pounded by the two very ample cocks, she noticed alright." contains more cliche, excess wording and "huh factor" than it should.

My suggestion is to write another, but use an editor. Forget the words Gently, rapidly, totally, (and nearly every other adverb you use to strengthen verbs).

Put some dialogue in the story. This girl - alone, bored, and lonely on Christmas eve - doesn't say a word when half a dozen midget rapists appear in her house? Not even a "What the . . .?"

kb

 

[MarkRF]

Thanks for the feedback, much apprecitiated and I will take the parts that I agree with on board for future stories.
The lack of character developement was intentional, it's a short story and I wanted to keep it just that, short.
It's a silly unrealistic story which was fun to write, some subtle humour was required. Sex is fun and not mutually exclusive from humour.
The rest, i will take on board to help me improve.

Many Thanks

Mark

 

[cayers60]

Hi Mark,

I'm new here but have been writing, or at least trying to write, for a while. KB's take on adverbs is right on. I've been taught to try to avoid adverbs. Try to find a more descriptive verb. I would also try to limit the use of "to be" verbs (is, are, was, etc.) and other passive verbs (e.g. seems).

I think your story is fine. If you keep at it and find it fun (or at least satisfying) you will improve.

 

[MarkRF]

Yes, is definately one for me to be mindful of, and will enjoy the practice
Mark

 

[ellynei]

Sweet and short story.

I found the beginning inspiring cause it matches my personal preference within the noncon genre. (The rest didn't but that doesn't mean anything, that's just a matter of personal preferences/fetishes.)


At one place you wrote:

"Now totally naked, she could feel..."

I'd use "completely" or "utterly" just for that extra little spice of it (completely naked or utterly naked, it just gives me a right feeling when it comes to noncon, dunno if it's silly or valid, taste the words and make your own decision.)


at another place you wrote:

"Yes it was; she thought..."

I'd do:

"Yes it was, she thought..."

Thoughts in italics works really well for most

(To do italics when you submit by pasting it is <I> for italics on, and <I> for italics off)


In some parts of the second half you have some long confusing sentences in there.

Example:

"Her arms spread out wide to her sides, and her legs wider still, she was unable to move, still blindfolded, the pressure building inside her and with it, urgency and pace, hurtling towards an explosive climax like a train with no brakes."


It makes sense, but only sort of.

I'm thinking maybe you meant something like:

"Her arms were spread out to her sides, and her legs wider still. She was unable to move and still blindfolded. Pressure built inside her, hurtling towards an explosive climax with urgency and pace like a train with no brakes."

(Not that my example is perfect, I'm still struggling to come to grips with proper sentence structure meself.)


All in all your short sweet story is written a whole lot better than my first submission was

 

[MarkRF]

Thank you very much for the advice, i am looking forward to putting it into practice. I have another story written (not so odd this time) and I hope i have the patience to go through and edit it with all of the above in mind
Mark