my first time! Be gentle with me

[amethyst42]

I just got my first story in literotica. I'm so thrilled! I'm beating myself over the head over the tense changes I missed correcting, there's a couple. Am I allowed to edit it?

Anyway, the url is:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=66465

And I'd love to hear your feedback. All constructive criticism welcomed!

Amethyst

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Amethyst,

Your first story? You are thrilled? So was I as I read it! I'm not usually into vampire stories, but this one hooked me.

Yes, I did note a couple of changes in tense, just words here and there, but nothing too distracting. And yes you can edit. Simply resubmit your story with the word 'edit' in brackets next to the title.

This is what else I noted as I read your story:

mistresses'

This is plural. I think it should be mistress's, but if I'm wrong someone here will correct me for sure.

her vampiric domitor

Domitor? Perhaps dominator, or tormentor?

Azreal had often fed from Chandra along with her mistress, had tasted her blood, suckled it from her breast, and drank it from her thighs.

I feel there is an 'and' missing here somewhere.

"Azreal? What are you doing?" He smiled at her, fingertip under her chin. Remembering her place, she changed her form of address. "Sir, is this a punishment?"

This confused me, not that it takes much, but changed from what form of address? Also you must remember to begin each person's dialog with a new paragraph, it just makes it easy to read. I noticed a few times both characters' dialog in the same paragraph. It's not a big deal, but sometimes it can be confusing.

"Just being myself, donata. I tire of these useless games in Paris of civility and rules. In my world... when I see something I want, I take it."

Exquisite! In fact from where I was reading, all the dialog was very powerful. I really enjoyed it.

Azreal smiled a bit,...Azreal simply smiled a bit.

I think just a smile, or a slight curling of the lips may have worked better.

She had quite a track record of annoying the main ghoul of the Prince of Paris ...

Your story has very surreal and almost timeless feel about it, 'track record' just didn't really seem to fit in for me, I think 'history' would have been a better description. ('sorry, I know I'm nit picky, and anyway others may totally disagree with me.)

He spoke again: "And I would enjoy hearing what you desire from me."

'He spoke again' is not necessary. So long as you give each person's dialog a new paragraph, the reader will know.

He smiled darkly..

Adverbs aren't always an authors best friend. This is an example of where a fuller description may have had more impact.

Azreal gave her a rough licking, the unusual length of his tongue dragged against her sex with the great strength of those with supernatural know-how, clearing away her juices as fast as the aroused woman can produce them, parting her lips just a bit with the sweeping motions.

Woh!... This is hot! Never mind the teeth marks on her neck, at this stage there were teeth marks on my knuckles as I was reading!! Only it was one long sentence. I think it could have been cut into two or even three. I noted a few sentences like this one, so watch out for them.

Ok. Overall, I felt this was a very enjoyable read. Azreal's dialog particularly, in my opinion, really drew out his character.

I know some people are going to read your story and say, "Oh but how did she get there?.. Where did she come from?... What about her mistress? etc. It's true you haven't included much, if any back-story, but for me, that simply gave you story a good deal more intrigue and mystery. You left me, the reader, pondering and wondering... and wanting more. Now, isn't that what a good story is all about?

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a good day now,

Alex (fem).

 

[amethyst42]

Alex,

Thank you so much for your reply! I am thrilled to have it published. The private replies I have got have been all positive. *gambols*

A few replies regarding your excellent critque

mistresses'

This is plural. I think it should be mistress's, but if I'm wrong someone here will correct me for sure.

I have always been taught that words ending with an s are pluralized by a simple apostrophe. But, I have alse found, even between Canada and the USA there are differences in grammar and punctuation as well as spelling. So perhaps this is a cultural thing.

her vampiric domitor

Domitor? Perhaps dominator, or tormentor?

This is a word exclusive to the vampire 'genre'. But yes, it is confusing for those who aren't into it. I may change this reference in the future.

Thanks Again!
Amethyst

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

I loved your story. I'm a big fan of vampire stories. I've been working on my own for about a year now, I keep getting stuck. Your story was well written. I hope you write more vampire stries in the future.
Wicked

My Stories

 

[Whispersecret]

If a word ends in 's,' you add 'es' to make it plural.

He always gave gifts to his mistresses at the end of the relationship.

The singular possessive, in which you're talking about one mistress owning something, is this:

The mistress' house was well-furnished.

OR

The mistress's house was well-furnished.

The plural possessive, in which you're talking about more than one mistress owning something, would be this:

His mistresses' attentions never failed to arouse him. They had a way with restraints.

Plurals are made in several different ways, but never with an apostrophe. The apostrophe shows possession or is used in contractions. Here's a little how-to that might shed some light on the subject.