My first thread - please share your experience

[energizer_bunny]

Hi everyone,

this is my first post on here... I searched for a while before posting, but I didn't really find what i"m looking for

Alright, so I have been married for years now and I can't get myself to have an orgasm through intercourse. I can orgasm fine from clitoris stimulation and I can do it several times but intercourse has just not been doing it for me. I don't really enjoy it, most of the time, it's just uncomfortable and I can't wait for it to be over! Other times it's great, but it doesn't lead to anything.

I am size 11 and always self-conscious. I know this may have something to do with it, so my question is, have any of you (similar size women) ever had a G-spot orgasm? And if so, how did you get about doing that?

 

[Chicklet]

I don't know that I've had a g-spot orgasm, but I have had penetration orgasms. They're rare, though, and since the vast majority of women out there *won't* ever have a penetration induced orgasm, I feel pretty fortunate about it.

It's not uncommon to not orgasm without clitoral stimulation. I tend to stimulate myself during intercourse most of the time - do me from behind while I diddle my clit

If you're uncomfortable during sex and just waiting for it to be over, maybe your partner needs to work on something. Maybe more foreplay, more lube, different positions...

 

[Bandit58]

I have G spot orgasms from my husband's fingers. Look for Mr G's "Try This and Report Back" thread in How To for a lot of helpful hints.

The only times I have orgasmed from penis in vagina sex have been when I have been teased a lot beforehand, and even then I have to stimulate my clit while I am on top It isn't a regular occurrence, but it does happen.

 

[sunandshadow]

Size 11 is a really average size (well in the united states, don't know where you are) and I don't think it has anything to do with sex, although being self-conscious might in general make it difficult to cum with another person present. I'm a size 18 and I have had g-spot orgasms occasionally, usually while having a vibrator applied to my clit or hands/mouth applied to my nipples at the same time. Very few women can cum from only penetration. If you want to try to make a g-spot orgasm happen by yourself, get yourself really aroused in whatever way works best for you, then try a hard plastic dildo with ridges/beads or a g-spot 'finger'. (And make sure you warm it up first.)

 

[energizer_bunny]

thanks for the replies.

I didn't know that G-spot orgasm was different from the penetration one. So, are we actually capable of coming 3 different ways?! wow...

If so, I've gotta find a way to try them all...

Anyways, so since most women don't orgasm from penetration, then how do you end it? When we're done with sex, he's not interested in anything sexual anymore (cuddling ya, but sexual no..) Even if I get him aroused again and we do it again, same ending...

Sometimes, he goes down on me first and then I cum before we start having sex, but that's not enough, once we're having sex I don't want to just end like that...

And ya, we need to work on foreplay.. How long do you spend on foreplay? or the whole sexual period? (not occasionally, but on regular basis, how long do you spend?)

 

[SweetErika]

Alright, so I have been married for years now and I can't get myself to have an orgasm through intercourse. I can orgasm fine from clitoris stimulation and I can do it several times but intercourse has just not been doing it for me.

You and most (like 75% or more) other women. Not orgasming from penetration alone is completely normal, so don't go feeling like there's something wrong with you!

I don't really enjoy it, most of the time, it's just uncomfortable and I can't wait for it to be over! Other times it's great, but it doesn't lead to anything.

I agree with Chicklet: if you're not enjoying sex, you're likely going to want to look at trying some different things. In addition to what she suggested, have you tried orgasming BEFORE you have sex? Are you fantasizing or thinking arousing thoughts before and during sex (there's nothing wrong with thinking about other situations or even people during sex; your enjoyment will increase your partner's pleasure...that is, unless he's a dickhead and doesn't care about your pleasure )? Are you getting clitoral stimulation from yourself, your partner, or a vibrator?

I think perhaps the most important point revolves around emotion, though. For me, sex is pleasurable (provided I'm aroused, relaxed, lubed, mentally engaged, etc.) regardless of whether I get close to orgasm or not because it's a very intimate activity that I share with a person I truly love. And I enjoy it as just that, so orgasm doesn't need to be involved for it to be satisfying.

So, I'd suggest asking yourself if sex is emotionally pleasurable for you. If you change some of the physical aspects, are you likely to enjoy most encounters just because they feel good emotionally and physically, or do you need an orgasm to find them pleasurable in any way? Are you attracted to, in love with, liking and generally enjoying your partner, or is it possible it's not physically pleasurable because one or more of those things is missing?

I am size 11 and always self-conscious. I know this may have something to do with it, so my question is, have any of you (similar size women) ever had a G-spot orgasm? And if so, how did you get about doing that?

I'm not sure whether you're referring to an American juniors size 11 (if so, you're smaller than most American women) or you're in a different country, but either way, get yourself out of the trap of believing your size has anything to do with your beauty or worth! I know that's A LOT easier said than done, but you deserve to love yourself no matter what size you are or what you look like.

It's true that focusing on the perceived negatives can hinder sexual pleasure and orgasm, but know that our sizes and appearances have nothing to do with our ability to come or have g-spot orgasms (except perhaps in very extreme cases).

And, while what works for me or other women in terms of g-spot or penetrative orgasms great for us, those techniques may not work for you at all. The only way we found what works for me is lots of experimenting with different angles, motions, speeds, depths, etc., with fingers and toys. I'm FAR more likely to come from penetrative stimulation if I've already had at least one orgasm through clit stimulation and we combine the vaginal stimulation with good clit stimulation. Even knowing everything that works for me personally, I usually don't come from penetration alone during sex - everything has to be just right for it to happen.

Therefore, I'd suggest trying a bunch of new things and being really patient with yourself. Look at it as something that would be cool, but isn't necessary to your pleasure because the second you start putting pressure on yourself, you'll find any hope of coming will slip away. And there are certainly women who don't get off on penetration, period, no matter what technique is used. Whatever type you happen to be, you'll be fine as long as you focus on what DOES give you pleasure and your gifts as a unique person.

 

[SweetErika]

thanks for the replies.

I didn't know that G-spot orgasm was different from the penetration one. So, are we actually capable of coming 3 different ways?! wow...

I find there's usually a g-spot component to penetrative orgasms, and of course there's a penetrative/vaginal element to g-spot orgasms in most cases, so I see the major sources of orgasm for ME as:
-clitoral
-vaginal (this includes the g-spot)
-anal
-mental (exceedingly rare, but possible)
-other parts of the body, e.g. nipples and general touching (again, possible, but very rare)

Orgasms w/ good clit stimulation (e.g. from the right vibe) have always been the most intense, so i usually include clit action in all of our activities. My best orgasms usually combine clit and vaginal (including g-spot) stimulation.

Anyways, so since most women don't orgasm from penetration, then how do you end it? When we're done with sex, he's not interested in anything sexual anymore (cuddling ya, but sexual no..) Even if I get him aroused again and we do it again, same ending...

You're going to have to use communication and love to try to work through this. Like I said, I'm happy not coming from sex because it feels good and is emotionally satisfying. I also know that if I'm interested and he's not, I can always take care of myself via masturbation with toys or fingers. He welcomes my satisfaction and doesn't view masturbation as a failure or inadequacy on his part, but we usually do enough foreplay that I'm satisfied before we have sex. If I'm having trouble coming, sometimes we give up and I'll go without an orgasm (my next one will be all the better!) or I masturbate when/after he goes to bed (or he goes to do something else). Sometimes he even just lies by me and touches or cuddles me while I masturbate.

But this works for us because we're both happy with it. I know if I want him to please me or take a more active role, he will, even if he's really tired and/or not interested in sex. I don't feel abandoned, and I love masturbating. I try to see the positives in any given situation.

Maybe you can work on your relationship so it's such that you don't feel abandoned and you feel like you can do something that's mutually agreeable about your arousal if you're horny after sex. It can be hard to find that mindset and work through this kind of issue, but I think you'll find it really pays off in overall satisfaction and a lack of resentment long-term.

Sometimes, he goes down on me first and then I cum before we start having sex, but that's not enough, once we're having sex I don't want to just end like that...

Okay, so tell him you want to try having orgasms until you're feeling satisfied BEFORE you ever get to sex. Maybe try taking sex out of the equation, and focus on pleasing each other without his penis entering you at all until you're happy with the pleasure and amount of foreplay. It can be a ton of fun to go back to making out like teenagers and focusing on making each other feel great without sex!

Experimenting like this can, and should be, fun for both of you. Get some toys, outfits you feel great in and he likes, try light bondage, teasing, living out aspects of your fantasies, a little roleplay, making a game of it, etc. Present it to him as a desire to take your pleasure as a couple to new heights and learn new things about each other, so it doesn't come off as a statement about your current lack of pleasure and (hopefully!) he's motivated to explore with you.

And ya, we need to work on foreplay.. How long do you spend on foreplay? or the whole sexual period? (not occasionally, but on regular basis, how long do you spend?)

How long we spend on foreplay and sex is irrelevant to you. Everyone's different, and every encounter is different. You two need to find the right amount for you by experimenting. When you've found it for any given encounter, you'll know.

Again, make finding this right amount fun and exciting by doing different things and such!

 

[energizer_bunny]

thank you for the really informative replies

SweetErika, I appreciate your input!

I am an American, so I guess size 11 is average, but when I look around me, I always feel like I need to be size 5 or so, thats why I have this self-esteem issue.

I do need to loosen up a little. It's like whenever we start anything, i start thinking in my head "ok I gotta cum quick this time... ok that feels good I think i'm going to cum" (like i can induce it from my head) and so onnnnn until i think, fuck it i'm not gonna cum.. so I fake it lol

I just feel bad if he's down on me for a while or if we're having sex and I'm not going to cum, so my brain takes over and then it becomes uncomfortable. But ya communication is important, so I guess I need to open up a little more and just enjoy what we do... It's affecting my life a lot!

And I did read mr. G's post and woowww I really need to try it, so I'll try and find a way to tell him about it

 

[DracheDD]

I do need to loosen up a little. It's like whenever we start anything, i start thinking in my head "ok I gotta cum quick this time... ok that feels good I think i'm going to cum" (like i can induce it from my head) and so onnnnn until i think, fuck it i'm not gonna cum.. so I fake it lol

Not a woman, so I can't help you with the rest of this issue, but I can tell you THIS is a very bad idea.
Faking it only accomplishes one thing. As men, we think you enjoyed what we were doing and thus, we keep doing it. Many of us may appear inconsiderate and forgetful, but believe me, if nothing else, we remember what gets you off. If it's not working, we'd rather know about it so we can find something that will work. (considerate men anyway)

Now, I've been in situations where she just knows nothing is going to work and it's perfectly fine to just tell me that. We understand that women are different and far more complex sexually than we are and sometimes it's just not going work. I'd much rather you just tell me that then let me continue fumbling around trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. It's uncomfortable for you and it's frustrating for us.

So if it isn't working, just communicate with us. Our egos may be fragile, but if you're honest and open with us, we'll take it better. If he can't handle that, then he's just too sensitive. Not much you can do about that.

 

[energizer_bunny]

You're right... It's about time I make some changes, so I'm going to talk about it with him and hopefully get some results!

I think you're right, faking it doesn't get my anywhere, in fact, it's probably why I haven't been enjoying it for all this time. For him, it's good and he thinks it's good... So, I'm going to talk to him, it's kinda hard going backwards though, I can't just say I've been faking it all this time lol I do get orgasms but I've faked enough, so I need to make a big change here.

I appreciate your inputs, I feel like I have some support here! I'll let you know how it goes.

 

[Cathleen]

Welcome to Lit, E-bunny.

All the above information is excellent and I certainly couldn't add a thing. I'm glad you'll talk with your husband but suggest you do it outside the bedroom. There is that ironic thing that talking with the person we're closest to is the most difficult. It takes sensitivity and honesty. Let him know what things he does you enjoy and perhaps on the things that aren't so great you can suggest what you think (or know) will make it even more fun.

Like the others said, it's fun to experiment - who knows what more fun you'll discover. Make sure you're honest with him and he with you, otherwise you might be digging a hole and it'll be filled with resentments and communication barriers.

Definitely let us know how things go, that's great fun to hear. Enjoy yourselves.

 

[Schwenker]

I couldn't agree more with what Drache has said here.
And you're a size 11 and complaining?! My wife is a size 22, very beautiful AND capable of having multiple orgasms of all kinds.......we're still working on the "Squirting" variety for her though. (They come easy for me.....L.O.L.!)..........and I'm only hung average.
Our secret for her happiness was in honest communication from the very beginning and my eagerness to perform oral on her untill she was "ready" for penetration.

Communicate with your other 1/2 Ladies. If he's receptive, good! If not, then maybe you should ask yourself if he's worth denying yourself sexual gratification for.

James B. from Pa.

 

[energizer_bunny]

Thanks for the welcoming and the support

I wanted to talk last night, but I didn't feel it was the right time, I didn't know what to say and how to bring it up, I guess I'll plan it for next time, I don't want to hurt feelings or have awkward situations

As for the size, I was under the impression that my body was preventing me from having those orgasms, like I'm not capable of having them because of my weight... Like there is too much there that they prevent the sensation lol I know it's weird, but I seriously felt that this was the cause!

And that idea prevented me from doing lots of things, like when we start anything sexual, I'm always self-conscious and I'm always trying to have his attention so that he doesn't look at me naked or I have the lights off... I think if I lose weight I'll have a better perception of my body and won't worry about these things.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks for the welcoming and the support

I wanted to talk last night, but I didn't feel it was the right time, I didn't know what to say and how to bring it up, I guess I'll plan it for next time, I don't want to hurt feelings or have awkward situations

I wonder if it might be helpful for you to write your thoughts down, then think about how you want to say them. I'm not suggesting using a script, but sometimes just the act of organizing them on paper or writing a letter can help us make sure what we want to say gets said in a loving manner.

When I'm thinking about how to approach something, I focus on not blaming and being very positive and constructive. For example, if I wanted to tell my partner I wasn't enjoying sex, I might say something like:

I love being intimate with you and enjoy so many of the things we do in bed. Recently I've noticed sex can be painful for me though, and while I think much of that has to do with not being relaxed and in the right mindset, I'm hoping we can make some changes and try some new things to make it more pleasurable for me, and really both of us. Would you be willing to explore with me?

If I was bored or wanted to try something specific, I might say:
I find you so sexy and have heard a lot about how important it is to keep trying different things to keep that attraction fresh. I was hoping we could come up with some ideas together to do that, and increase our pleasure overall, without fear of freaking each other out. Are there some things you'd like to try? I just read something on XYZ and thought it sounded really interesting. Do you think we could give it and any of your ideas tonight/this weekend/whenever?

Basically, unless it comes down to it, I'd stay away from vocalizing that you've been faking it and focus on moving forward in a positive way (which means giving him honest feedback and not lying/faking it, but being tactful) from here on out. I bet he'll either love your new openness and be oblivious to your past behavior, or get an idea that you've been more enthusiastic than you've felt and let it go because being clear about faking it will be a big blow to his ego. The main point is that you're doing things differently from now on and you're going to get there.

As for the size, I was under the impression that my body was preventing me from having those orgasms, like I'm not capable of having them because of my weight... Like there is too much there that they prevent the sensation lol I know it's weird, but I seriously felt that this was the cause!

I'm no expert, but I'd say if you're seeing your weight as preventing your body from functioning at a size 10/12, I'd say there's a good chance you have a body image disorder. Yes, women who are a size 6 can feel bad about themselves just as a woman who's a size 26 might, but it's very concerning to hear you express this idea that a few extra pounds (at a size 10 or 12, you can't be that overweight, unless you're stuffing yourself into clothes that don't fit at all) is affecting you physically and so severely emotionally.

Please look into Body Dysmorphic Disorder and see if it sounds familiar if you're very honest with yourself about how you're thinking and feeling. If it does, I hope you will get the help you need to be healthy and happy with yourself. I think you will find that feeling good about yourself is the first step in having fulfilling sexual experiences, too.

And that idea prevented me from doing lots of things, like when we start anything sexual, I'm always self-conscious and I'm always trying to have his attention so that he doesn't look at me naked or I have the lights off... I think if I lose weight I'll have a better perception of my body and won't worry about these things.

My experience has been that my weight has very little effect on my self-perception. I obsessed over my perceived flaws when I was thin, and I do the same at a higher weight. I know I could be underweight and I'd still likely think there was something (or, more likely, A LOT) wrong with my body.

It's easy to think losing weight will make self-esteem and image problems go away, but the reality is that it doesn't. We just like to tell ourselves it does because it's another thing we can use to beat ourselves up, blame problems on or feed our negative thoughts and feelings with. Changing the body is just like putting a bandaid on a big wound that won't stop bleeding.

In order to heal, we have to address the things that are causing the wound and treat it appropriately. That usually means doing some kind of therapy and a ton of hard work to change our thought patterns.

Instead of focusing on losing weight, I'd encourage you (and myself, because I'm definitely right there with you! ) to focus on healing and becoming happy with yourself...extra pounds and all. When you're happy, it's likely your body will find the best weight for you, and you won't have to worry about it anymore.

 

[energizer_bunny]

sweeterike, thank you for your in depth replies!

I am going to check into BDD and see if it fits me... I think you're right, a lot of girls always beat themselves down over these things...

The idea of writing things down is excellent, your way of putting the words together sounded much better than the stuff I had in mind lol I'm glad I didn't talk about it last night!

I'm going to right what I have in mind and focus on one of two things and see how it goes. He's very nice and listens, so I'm sure if I say it in some nice way, I'll get results!

I'll let you know how it goes, I'm planning on changing things, this has affected my life for a while now and I'm ready to make a change!

And, no I'm not fitting myself in the wrong size! lol I can squeeze myself in a 9 But, from now on, size doesn't matter right?

 

[asaendra]

I'm gonna have to go look for Mr. G's thread. I've also never had a "g-spot" orgasm.

 

[SweetErika]

You're very welcome, e_b. I'm glad I can help in some way.

I don't claim to have a healthy body image or self-esteem, but I only look at size to see what's likely to fit. If I have to go way up or down, so be it; different brands and styles are cut very differently, and I refuse to base how I feel about myself on what the tag or scale says.

I'm just sheerly curious as to why you're using juniors', rather than womens', sizes, when I'm assuming you're a grown woman.It's not a judgement in anyway; I just don't know a lot of women who buy juniors' clothing, nor do I hear a lot of them refer to themselves as those sizes, so you've piqued my curiosity.

I'm gonna have to go look for Mr. G's thread. I've also never had a "g-spot" orgasm.

Just be aware it's not the end-all-be-all of g-spot or vaginal stimulation techniques, so there's no reason to get frustrated if it doesn't work as well for you, or you respond differently. It's just ONE possibility for something that could work for SOME women and the only right way to do g-spot stimulation is to figure out what works for you, as an individual. You may need to do some tweaking, or use a completely different technique (I do!) or decide you're not a woman who enjoys that kind of stimulation at all. They're all equally good outcomes.

 

[satindesire]

Slightly OT but I'm a size 11 and my beau wouldn't date a size 5 if he was paid to. I also think I am uber-sexy and wouldn't give up my luscious ta-ta's or bodacious bubble butt to be able to fit into a teeny weeny dress anyday.

Are you putting pressure on yourself to orgasm through penetration alone, or is your partner contributing in any way?

 

[energizer_bunny]

SweetErika,

I buy junior clothes - usually pants because I usually find stuff that I like there more than the stuff I find in women section! I don't think I'm not pretty, bc I know I'm pretty good looking, but I also know that my man likes thinnnnn girls. He won't leave me for someone else, he loves me a lot, but I know for a fact that size 3-7 would be his type no matter what. Therefore, I've developed this self-consciousness and obsession in physical look.

satindesire, ya he's contributing, he just doesn't know how I've been feeling since I'm good at hiding it. I sort of felt that it's my problem and if I can't reach O's it's probably because I'm not capable of reaching it... (He's my only experience since he's my first)

But he's willing to try different things and I think next time I do the "talk" with him, we might be able to change things around (I hope )

 

[SweetErika]

SweetErika,

I buy junior clothes - usually pants because I usually find stuff that I like there more than the stuff I find in women section! I don't think I'm not pretty, bc I know I'm pretty good looking, but I also know that my man likes thinnnnn girls. He won't leave me for someone else, he loves me a lot, but I know for a fact that size 3-7 would be his type no matter what. Therefore, I've developed this self-consciousness and obsession in physical look.

Thanks for the honest answer! Curiosity satisfied.

My husband is typically drawn to brunettes with smaller boobs. I'm blonde, curvy and have always had at least a full C cup. For a long time, I felt inadequate, but you know what? He was clearly attracted to me in the beginning and after 9+ years, he still gets hard when we're naked and is so turned on by sex that he can barely contain himself! So, while I may be different from his usual type, he obviously really likes my type just as well.

And when I think about it, I'm the same way. I prefer taller, bigger guys who are more forthright and affectionate, and he's always been my height, thin, quiet and not so openly affectionate. That doesn't put a damper on my love or attraction for him - I love him because WHO he is, not what he looks like. Immediate physical attraction isn't worth a thing in a long-term relationship because people change and it takes way more than attraction for a relationship to work.

Anyway, I hope you just know your husband's preference, and he doesn't do anything like rub it in or tell you you need to lose weight. If he does, I'd be happy to come kick his ass because he's not only being unproductive, it's cruel and abusive. And if that's the case, he either needs to shape up or ship out because you deserve a whole lot better.

Do tell him you're working on your self image and esteem and how he can support you in those areas. For example, if you're working on telling yourself you're perfect just the way you are, you might ask him to remind you of that and not let you get away with making negative comments about yourself. Ask him to help you change your bad habit of focusing on the things you perceive as negative and get into the healthy habit of thinking about all of your positives. And, if he's doing anything that supports your negative thoughts, be up front about how much that hurts you and tell him you need him to give you positive, loving support. Again, you deserve that from yourself AND your partner.

 

[energizer_bunny]

And when I think about it, I'm the same way. I prefer taller, bigger guys who are more forthright and affectionate, and he's always been my height, thin, quiet and not so openly affectionate. That doesn't put a damper on my love or attraction for him - I love him because WHO he is, not what he looks like. Immediate physical attraction isn't worth a thing in a long-term relationship because people change and it takes way more than attraction for a relationship to work.

Okay, I think we have more in common that I thought we did! It's as if you took the words out of my mouth I'm the same way, and my boy fits that physique. Why do women always beat themselves over physical image when guys have it the easy way?

If he does, I'd be happy to come kick his ass

Now that's the kinda support I need.. LoL

Actually, lately I have been discussing dieting and at first I got into the "throw up" after inhaling whatever food, and he was very "against" the idea. He is very supportive, especially after figuring out that I have been thinking about this that much. He doesn't mind me losing weight, but he doesn't complain about it.

It's just that I know what he likes and I upset myself that I'm not like that. And true enough, it's always easy to blame everything on weight, you know? Like, sex isn't great, because I'm fat... I can't cum because I'm too big... We don't do too much foreplay because he is probably not attracted to me... and the list go on and on... and man oh man around period, it just gets worse!

But, I'm going to change some things around like I said! I think if I'm mentally healthier, sex could be better, and I may just enjoy it, even if I don't cum from vaginal intercourse. I'll let that happen with time, I'm just going to focus on what is good!

 

[satindesire]

It takes more than love to make a good relationship.

Why are you with him again?

 

[Guest]

edited

 

[kimbernee]

In my experience, what men like best in a woman's body is open access to it. If you'll let him look and touch, lights on, clothes off, freely, happily, smiling on a regular basis, he'll love your body like no one else's.

 

[AvaAdore]

I can't orgasm without clitoral stimulation. I can be having mind-blowing sex, but I never managed to orgasm. So if I want to have an orgasm during sex, I rub my clit while having sex.

I think my boyfriend feels a bit bad about it sometimes, thinking he's not good enough. I would say it's purely biological.

I also find it very difficult to cum during oral sex. I've only managed to twice in my life. Possibly because of frustrating experiences of trying and trying to orgasm and not being able to, I don't really like receiving oral sex. I even had it from a girl once. She was down on me for something like an hour with no progress