My first submissions

[moonfae]

Just got my first two submissions approved! Take a look and let me know what you think (please).


My Vampire Lover
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=364588

I Know You
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=364586

Thanks so much.
Moonfae

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Some very nice writing. I hadn't realised the girl was blind in the second story so the last couple of paragraphs were very effective.

I could go into the usual points about lack of characterisation or plot, but I think I'd be missing the point as they work fine as the little vignettes they are. The descriptions are good.

I'm not a grammar expert, but I don't think this is right:

"Silently cursing the man who had promised me a ride home from the masquerade, but instead left with some scantily clad harlot- I was eager to reach the safety of my own four walls."

I think the dash should be a comma (you do the same thing later in the story). I think it should be:

"Silently cursing the man who had promised me a ride home from the masquerade, but instead left with some scantily clad harlot, I was eager to reach the safety of my own four walls."

My only other gripe is the vampire's name. The overblown exotic name is a cliche that always jars with me. We never get stories with Fred the vampire (probably for very good reason) . But I usually actively avoid the vampire genre so ignore this paragraph.

Good stuff. Look forward to seeing you tackle something longer.

 

[LilaBlossom]

Yeah the same line bugged me too. I think it would have worked better if you rearranged the words like this:

I was eager to reach the safety of my own for walls but the man who promised a ride home after the masquerade had left with some scantily clad harlot.

I would also break up some of the paragraphs, for example:

"Take me to my own bed." I said softly. He blinked at me, as if he didn't understand. "Tonight, let's stay here. I want to see you against my pillows." He stepped back from the window and turned, laying me in the nest of blankets. I kissed him once more before he stepped back and fumbled at the buttons of his long coat. "Why sir, I do believe you are as nervous as a virgin," I teased, watching my normally dominate and suave lover struggle over the simple task.

I think it would read better like this:

"Take me to my own bed." I said softly.

He blinked at me, as if he didn't understand.

"Tonight, let's stay here. I want to see you against my pillows."

He stepped back from the window and turned, laying me in the nest of blankets. I kissed him once more before he stepped back and fumbled at the buttons of his long coat.

"Why sir, I do believe you are as nervous as a virgin," I teased, watching my normally dominate and suave lover struggle over the simple task.

Overall I agree with the previous poster, it was a good vingette with nice descriptions.

 

[August_Bouvier]

Congrats

You describe scenes beautifully. Great use of the senses. You pulled me into the moment and made me wish you hadn't stopped when I got the end. I like the ambiguity in the end of I know you.

Keep an eye for consistency in tense. The last sentence could've worked in the past tense as well.

Sensing my hesitation you whispered "Trust me" before ... My breasts are little more then a handful for you, yet you ...

From I know you.
There are minor grammar issues that an editor would catch--advice I should take--but nothing that detracts from the story, in my opinion.

You pace your scenes really well in terms of anticipation and delivery. I love it when a small moment like brushing hair or a kiss on a wrist feels epic, without it reading like one. That takes skill, and you have a knack for it.

Welcome to Lit. Oh, do you have more stories coming out soon?


-A

 

[moonfae]

Thanks. I got the vampire's name from a friend on a writing group that is into paranormal romance and such. Maybe I should find something with "fred the vampire" hehe. And thanks for the grammar tips. English class was awhile ago, and I never like grammar anyway, haha. I should probably get one of my English major friends to edit my stuff for me, rather then just having friends that want my smut for the sake of my smut.

 

[moonfae]

I have to write some more stories first, but I will try to have them soon. Thanks so much for the glowing reviews, I'm blushing!

 

[ellynei]

"My vampire lover" appeared to be good. But it didn't affect me much, personally. (Most likely cause of personal flavors n all that don't let that make you sad).

"I know you" did affect me, very much so, you can tell from the public comment I left you Reading that one was an experience, a very good experience.

I noticed a couple tense issues at different places in "I know you." If you like I can send you a PM where I point out the tense issues I saw, this offer only applies if you are willing to adhere to this beta-reader disclaimer:

(Remember I am not an editor I am an unprofessional beta-reader, hence my edit-suggestions must only be applied after you have yourself seen and thought; 'Ah yeah the nutcase is right about that one.' If any of my suggestions does not make sense to you, do NOT use them, because I might very well be wrong in those cases!)