My first submission

[dlake]

It's a story about masturbation. It's my first submission and I thought i'd start off with a story based on events that I experienced. I've never written an erotic story before, but I do read them every now and then. They say write what you know, and that's what I did. I do have a few other stories i'd like to get down, but I'd like some constructive criticism on this one first if possible. Thanks a lot!

You can read it here:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=240929

Thanks again!

Danny

 

[kbate]

Ennh, male mutual masturbation, simply doesn't get my heart beating.

The writing is good enough if unexciting and simple. More care to punctuation in speech is required. The opening description of the room did not add to the story, the cabinets, the foyer, and such really do not play a part and do not require detailed description.

I sort of hoped as I read, for the possibility of discovery, the crunch of car tires, the voices outside the door - anything to add realism (not that I ever had such experiences as a teenager).

 

[Selena_Kitt]

I sort of hoped as I read, for the possibility of discovery, the crunch of car tires, the voices outside the door - anything to add realism (not that I ever had such experiences as a teenager).

But it's all about imagining, right?

I do, particularly, like male masturbation... and I think this was a good first effort...

I agree, room details not needed... extraneaous information... more showing, less telling...

This information, for example:

It began over the summer before Brent's senior year of high school. Because of new zoning laws, James was to start going to a new high school the same distance from his house, but in a completely different part of town. Since Kindergarden they had the same classes and this change was indeed a big one. But although they would no longer be seeing a lot less of each other, they didn't worry about loosing touch as they had been best friends since childhood. Their bond could not be broken with a mere change in schools.

Could easily be deleted, and brought out through dialogue... you could have started the story with this:

"Where's your mom? She's usually always home around this time. She at the store or something?" Brent asked absentmindedly as he guided his video game character across the screen.

and worked the rest in... would have made it tighter...

good info for next time?

 

[kbate]

But it's all about imagining, right?

I do, particularly, like male masturbation... and I think this was a good first effort...

I agree, room details not needed... extraneaous information... more showing, less telling..

Imagining yes, but please provide the fodder for the mind... give me a setting, a strong character.. and show me their thoughts. The action, jerking off to porn, is fine, but show me their thoughts, shame? fear? Does this make me gay, no?

Take my imagination and torture it, make me work, don't just tell me what to see, give me images and let me run wild.

I am far too much of a lesbian to care about male masturbation, but I could get excited if I could picture their excitement, their fears, their hopes through the simple actions of these two boys. I look for the illicit - "we just took my dad's porn collection and masturbated, in the living room, with another person," to mean something, cause feelings, worry, angst, fear, excitement, homophobia, awe.

All of it can excite even someone who isn't into that type of sex.

***

I did mean to post a "well done and keep writing" in my review, I sometimes only place the bad in the reviews and do not take time to compliment those who have done well.

 

[dlake]

Awesome, thanks everyone. I'll make sure to add a little more depth to the my next story and tighten up the descriptions. I really do appreciate it.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I read your story as well, and have about the same comments as Selenakittyn, and kbate. Listen to them, they know what they are talking about.

One thing I found odd, was you had them stash their porn and supplies by the couch. I would have thought they would have kept it hidden. I certainly did.