My first submission

[Isabelle Jacqueline]

I would approciate any feedback on my first story.
Since this is my first effort, I am quite nervous about how strangers will take it. I am particularly interested in any ideas to make my future work better.

The story is called "Personal Ties" by Isabelle Jacqueline and is in the BDSM section.

Below is a link to the story
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=194711

Thanks in advance for any feedback you give.

Isabelle

 

[windstormy]

Very Inticing...

I loved your story. Your creativeness was very well executed. Hope to see some more. Perhaps a sequal.

 

[msboy8]

I R.V.C.ed on your story. Good job, want to see more.

 

[Guest]

Terrific story. You created an erotic, mysterious and sad atmosphere. I'd love to read more of your stories.

 

[Singularity]

Welcome, and a Good Start

Hello, Isabelle, and welcome to the insanity of putting your innermost thoughts in front of millions (well, at least a few thousand) strangers. That first step is a huge and terrifying one, and it is one that deserves an award simply for doing it.

This was a very engaging and interesting story, and one that I very much enjoyed reading. The duality of Dianna and Margaret was well done.

I'll offer some suggestions for polishing and improving your second story, which I hope you have already started. If you got an adrenaline rush (even if it was also accompanied by a case of the willies) for pushing Submit the first time, then the seocnd time should follow in short order.

Anyway, on to some recommendations.

To begin, the first few paragraphs need to be grabbers, to catch the reader's attention and to avoid the immediate back-click. There are a few things that I tripped over in the intro to Personal Ties.

He watched Margaret float in as a vision of white between the cloth wrapped tables covered in crystal. He could feel the rush of energy as she danced between the patrons to his table. She was a vision of perfect that out shone everything.

Somehow I didn't feel the energy level I think you wanted to convey about him seeing Margaret for the first time that night. The way the words came out got in the way of the emotion I think you wanted to convey. Here's what sidetracked me a bit. The "vision of white" you ascribe to Margarent gets mixed a bit with the cloth-wrapped tables - which are also probably white. I seen her as dancing between the tables more so than between the patrons, I would guess. And she is more properly a "vision of perfection", too.

Each of these is small, by itself; but when strung together, they lessen the impact of what you want us to see.

There are some punctuation and formatting details, too, and some tense inconsistencies sprinkled throughout. They may detract from a purist's reading of the story, and you should try to clean up for the next one,;but there's nothing too major to worry about. I'm betting that a careful rereading of the words and sentences instead of the story, or a helpful pass from an editor will help you find these, and make them easy to eliminate for that second story.

Another thing to watch out for is to start a new paragraph when a different character begins to speak. Here's an example of something I had to read a couple times to figure out who was speaking.

"White it is" he replied selecting a suitable Sauvignon Blanc from the list and signaling to the waiter. "So how was visiting your mother?" he asked.

She rewarded his courtesy with a smile. Just seeing her smile, made his heart fill with warmth. He felt as if all the light in the room shone from her lips. "Oh... my poor mother. It was so hard to see her there in that dark hospital room. I know she still needed the monitoring after her attack, but I just had to get her out of there. It took me a while but I finally convinced the hospital staff to let me borrow one of the chairs and take her out to the gardens. There is just something about all those flowers that has always brought light to her face."

The "Oh...my poor mother" sentence is Margarent's not his. It's easy to get confused unless you're reading carefully, which is hard to do when you're enjoying the story. Having to go back and reread a part is like hitting a pothole on an ohterwise smooth road.

Overall, though, a very good start. Your descriptions flow easily and paint good pictures of what is happening, and you convey the emotional undercurrents well, too.

The only other thing I'll offer that is unrelated to the writing of the story itself, is that I try to not include "don't try this at home" things in a story. While leaving Dianna bound and tied and alone while he is out with Margaret is central to the storyline, it's not something I'd want to do in real life, for safety's sake. I'll try to include something that speaks to someone else being there to watch her, or about how she has the ability to release herself in an emergency, etc. This is a personal preference of mine, and I don't expect everyone else to agree. I didn't mark the story down because of it, but others might.

I hope story number 2 builds on the excellent beginning you have here. Thanks for sharing it.



Sin.