My first submission...

[Nephyte]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=138540


This is my first accepted submission, I hope you all enjoy.



My other two were refused apparently due to spelling errors. At least that's the feedback I got when I checked. Is that a general feedback, cause neither story had any noticeable grammatical errors that myself or a close friend of mine could find.

 

[lostandfounder]

I liked what you wrote. It had a good sense of passion and lust. The only problem is, there's nothing to set it apart from a lot of the other stories out there. Try to add more atmosphere, delve deeper into the minds of these people. Not that I a pro or anything, that's just my two cents.

 

[Flashlight7.5]

Great ending

You wrote a great ending, but that's it. It's a third act. If this is all you intended, I suppose that's fine; but stories are best written in three-act structures. You have the end of the second act where she comes into the room, and then it's all third act from then.

You describe things well and you poured a lot of energy into the story. I did laugh at some of the dialogue though, which seemed forced ("Taste your pleasure on me." "I want to be fucked, not made love to."). These lines seem geared for a BDSM story rather than a couple having a lustful time.

 

[Hotcappucino]

It's a nice little short story, well laid out, but there are a few spelling errors, a few problems with punctuation, and some of the phrasing is unnecessarily complex. For example, take the very first sentence:

I woke up to the barely audible sound of the door to the room I was staying in opening.

The placement of the modifier "opening" so far away from the noun that's being modified, "door," makes the sentence somewhat confusing. And I think mentioning that the door belongs to the room that you're staying in isn't that important (perhaps even redundant) and could be left out. Try something like:
I awoke to the barely audible sound of the opening door.
or
I was awakened by the barely audible sound of the door opening.

Next sentence:
A slim shaft of light filtered in from the hallway, and beyond the obvious fact someone had opened the door in the first place, I could see a silhouette of what I thought was a female figure standing there.
I think by leaving the middle clause out, you can make the sentence tighter:
A slim shaft of light filtered in from the hallway, silhouetting what appeared to be a female figure standing there.

My lips kissed her smooth ass, then I took my teeth.
I'm not sure what you meant by the last phrase. Maybe it's slang that's used in your locale?

I had dreamt about fucking her from the first time we'd met a few months back at our friends dinner parties.
There's a problem with consistency in this sentence. That is, "the first time" implies a single event, yet "parties" at the end of the sentence indicates multiple events. I think you mean a single event, so change "parties" to "party." There's also a punctuation error with this sentence that I've mentioned below.

The arm that her body had been against I wiggled underneath her and pulled her close.
Another awkward sentence. I understand your desire to be as detailed as possible, but sometimes the details get in the way of letting the words just flow. Something like this would have been better:
I wiggled my arm underneath her and pulled her close.

Really anyway I looked at it, it was really because of me anyways.
Watch out for repeating words in the same sentence. That is, I wouldn't have repeated "really" and "anyway(s)" within this sentence.

... as I pinched both nipple again.
"Both" implies more than one so it should be "nipples."

Misspellings:
"posistioned" should be "positioned"
"layed" should be "laid"
"to much wine" should be "too much wine"
"seperate" should be "separate"
"cinamon" should be "cinnamon"
"occaisionally" should be "occasionally"
"accomadate" should be "accommodate"
"gently massing the" should be "gently massaging the"
"storked" should be "stroked"
There were a couple of places where you should have used "than" instead of "then" and "whether" instead of "wether."

Punctuation:
"It's me Harley." should be "It's me. Harley."
"I need to get layed Dom" should be "I need to get laid, Dom"
"... at our friends dinner parties." should be "... at our friend's dinner parties." (or "friends'" if there are more than one friend who's hosting the event).
"found it's way" should be "found its way"
"my cocks peak" should be "my cock's peak"

I don't want to list all of the problems, but I think you get the idea. If you're interested in polishing up your story, you can go over it, fix it up and resubmit it. That was the hardest part for me, going over my own story again and again until I caught all of the mistakes (and I became almost sick of it). I think I must have resubmitted my own story five or six times until I was satisfied, but everytime I read it, I seemed to see something else that I could rephrase or embellish. And I think the same process would be beneficial for you in your growth as a writer.