My First Submission

[Sweet_Candi]

Hello folks. Ive recently joined this great site and Ive already been all over the place.
My first story was approved for posting today, and I would love to get any feedback on it.

Thanks for taking the time to read it and let me know what you think.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=87063

 

[Guest]

Hey, Candi,

Instead of reading your story first, and then posting a critique, I'm just going to read and post as I go, so bear with me. Please remember that anything I say is only my opinion, and you, along with others, are free to disagree.
I'm going to try to focus more on the actual story rather than mechanics, so be warned.

Let me tell you about something that happened to me recently. It was one of hottest things I’ve ever done and I wont forget it for a long time, maybe not ever.

Okay, I really don't like this beginning. Sorry. When you begin a story with, "Let me tell you something that has happened," it's contradictory to what a story -is-. A reader is there -expecting- a story. Why point out the fact that you're going to tell them something worth writing a story about? In my mind, it seemed like a subtle echo of the obvious.



When I first laid eyes on Brian, I immediately noticed how much he resembled Justin Timberlake from NSYNC.

Normally I wouldn't like this, but it holds a thread of honesty in it, so I think it works with your story. It's something someone really might think, and so it works.


Id

Normally I wouldn't point this out, but since you barely have any other grammatic mistakes, (good job, by the way) I thought I'd let you know that it needs an apostrophe.

A few months later, my husband Steve got a phone call from him and all of a sudden we started seeing more of him. Brian was working at a plastic factory in the evenings, but he didn’t start until midnight so he still had most of his evenings free. He worked weekends also, but had Wednesday and Thursdays off.

This sort of confused me. I don't think you had previously mentioned that her husband and Brian knew each other, so when I was reading I actually stopped after this sentance, wondering why Brian would have called Steve. Maye I missed it at the beginning, but I don't think I did. If so, feel free to point it out to me and rub my face in it.


Brian spent the night on our couch, and I was left alone with him the following day while Steve was at work and the kids were at school. Every time I looked at him I thought about how close we came to actually having sex.

Huh? What? When did they almost have sex? Why was he sleeping on her couch? Why would he stay there while her husband was at work? I could think of some obvious answers, but it's not my job to have to invent them. It's yours. I imagine you were thinking what happened in your head, got ahead of yourself, and didn't write it down. Don't worry, it's not a crime. Just something to pay attention to next time.

Steve looks over at Brian and asks him if he wants to fuck his slut wife.

Okay, I have to admit, I start skimming about half way through. But I did notice this. First thing; I don't like non-voiced commands/dialogue. Having the character actually say it makes it seem more realistic. Just a personal bias.
Second thing; you changed tenses. While anywhere else in your story you would have written, "...Brian and asked him if...", you put, "...Brian and asks him if..." I had a double take when I read this. Again, just something to try to be aware of next time.

Overall, I think you wrote a pretty good story. However, I think if you had given yourself a little more time after you first wrote it, some of the things I listed above would have come to you on your own.
I compare story to wine. Most wine needs to age before it tastes good. A story needs some time to build and grown in the author's mind before a reader can read it. If the author doesn't give it that time, the reader might feel like hurrying up and swallowing it (reading it) instead of rolling it around on their tongue and letting the taste overwhelm their senses.
I think you have definite potential as a writer of erotica, but next time just be sure to go back, re-read, and fill in some of the blanks that -you- understood, but the reader might not have.

Over all, good job!

Sati

 

[waterkemist]

Candi gets a surprise lover.

It is well written and believable. I enjoyed it. This fills me in somewhat on the whole thing about sharing one’s wife and watching. Too bad Steve couldn’t contribute his experience with this episode. I give it a five.

Here is my constructive criticism.

Was not looking for typos until I saw this:

I didn’t think Id see him again. …I’d or better yet use “I would,” according to one professor I’ve had, but I hate his advice. Haha. Here is another: “I don’t think Ive ever slept so well in my life.” There may be more, but I got hot during reading more and my typo finding ability falls with my rising cock. Wish I could find my own typos that easy!




I always wondered if women noticed what happens when a man takes off his shorts. The comment on the bounce makes it more real.

“I could see the outline of his hard cock underneath his boxers, and watched it bounce free as he pulled his boxers off and let them hit the floor.”


Good description here, and the explanation of why it is so hot for you helps a lot. Don’t know if I could share my wife this way. I think she would have to ask rather than me start it unless I knew she had this fantasy. You are lucky he let you live out desire.

“but the mere fact that it was someone other than my husband doing it to me, as well as my husband being there and WATCHING, that made it hot just the same. “

Since Steve was there it also took away any feeling of guilt that could get in the way of living through all that sexual tension. Sounds like you had a peak experience. Here is a question for you Candi. How would you feel if Steve were licking the sweetness of another woman? Could you let him plough through a young gal and watch as his ass moves in and out with each stroke? This is not a challenge, but have any women here written about sharing their husband the way that Steve shared Candi?
--Waterkemist

 

[Sweet_Candi]

Hey, Candi,

Instead of reading your story first, and then posting a critique, I'm just going to read and post as I go, so bear with me. Please remember that anything I say is only my opinion, and you, along with others, are free to disagree.
I'm going to try to focus more on the actual story rather than mechanics, so be warned.

Let me tell you about something that happened to me recently. It was one of hottest things I’ve ever done and I wont forget it for a long time, maybe not ever.

Okay, I really don't like this beginning. Sorry. When you begin a story with, "Let me tell you something that has happened," it's contradictory to what a story -is-. A reader is there -expecting- a story. Why point out the fact that you're going to tell them something worth writing a story about? In my mind, it seemed like a subtle echo of the obvious.

This may have seemed obvious to you, but I wanted the reader to know that this was a true story, and not just a fantasy that fills my mind during masturbation. I think the fact that it really happened makes it hotter (and apparently so do some of the readers - according to their feedback)



When I first laid eyes on Brian, I immediately noticed how much he resembled Justin Timberlake from NSYNC.

Normally I wouldn't like this, but it holds a thread of honesty in it, so I think it works with your story. It's something someone really might think, and so it works.

Yes..this IS the first thing that crossed my mind when I saw him. I wrote down everything that I thought and felt.


Id

Normally I wouldn't point this out, but since you barely have any other grammatic mistakes, (good job, by the way) I thought I'd let you know that it needs an apostrophe.

I actually noticed a few of those throughout the story. Was too damn confident about using spell check and I know now not to just take for granted that its right.

A few months later, my husband Steve got a phone call from him and all of a sudden we started seeing more of him. Brian was working at a plastic factory in the evenings, but he didn’t start until midnight so he still had most of his evenings free. He worked weekends also, but had Wednesday and Thursdays off.

This sort of confused me. I don't think you had previously mentioned that her husband and Brian knew each other, so when I was reading I actually stopped after this sentance, wondering why Brian would have called Steve. Maye I missed it at the beginning, but I don't think I did. If so, feel free to point it out to me and rub my face in it.

The nature of their past relationship (pre-3some) was a little strange and I didnt feel that I could go into it further. We used to see him from time to time.....and he got to know my husband quite well. It wasnt until a few days before he moved in with us, that we saw him on a daily basis.


Brian spent the night on our couch, and I was left alone with him the following day while Steve was at work and the kids were at school. Every time I looked at him I thought about how close we came to actually having sex.

Huh? What? When did they almost have sex? Why was he sleeping on her couch? Why would he stay there while her husband was at work? I could think of some obvious answers, but it's not my job to have to invent them. It's yours. I imagine you were thinking what happened in your head, got ahead of yourself, and didn't write it down. Don't worry, it's not a crime. Just something to pay attention to next time.

I think this paragraph explains the part about us almost having sex:

They must have had a great time because they didn’t get home until about 4 am. I didn’t get to talk to Steve much when they came in, but we had quite an interesting conversation the following morning on the phone once he had arrived at work. He said that the two of them had been discussing the possibility of a 3some some night, and hubby had come very close to allowing it to happen that night. I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

He was sleeping on my couch because he worked nights...and slept during the day, while hubby was at work and the kids were at school.

Steve looks over at Brian and asks him if he wants to fuck his slut wife.

Okay, I have to admit, I start skimming about half way through. But I did notice this. First thing; I don't like non-voiced commands/dialogue. Having the character actually say it makes it seem more realistic. Just a personal bias.
Second thing; you changed tenses. While anywhere else in your story you would have written, "...Brian and asked him if...", you put, "...Brian and asks him if..." I had a double take when I read this. Again, just something to try to be aware of next time.

You are right...didnt even notice myself doing this.

Overall, I think you wrote a pretty good story. However, I think if you had given yourself a little more time after you first wrote it, some of the things I listed above would have come to you on your own.
I compare story to wine. Most wine needs to age before it tastes good. A story needs some time to build and grown in the author's mind before a reader can read it. If the author doesn't give it that time, the reader might feel like hurrying up and swallowing it (reading it) instead of rolling it around on their tongue and letting the taste overwhelm their senses.
I think you have definite potential as a writer of erotica, but next time just be sure to go back, re-read, and fill in some of the blanks that -you- understood, but the reader might not have.

Over all, good job!

Sati

Thank you very much for the time you took to critique my story. And you are right...I rushed to get it written and posted....I should have taken more time rereading it...making sure that there were no errors or "holes" to be filled.

Thanks again!

 

[Sweet_Candi]

Re: Candi gets a surprise lover.

It is well written and believable. I enjoyed it. This fills me in somewhat on the whole thing about sharing one’s wife and watching. Too bad Steve couldn’t contribute his experience with this episode. I give it a five.

Here is my constructive criticism.

Was not looking for typos until I saw this:

I didn’t think Id see him again. …I’d or better yet use “I would,” according to one professor I’ve had, but I hate his advice. Haha. Here is another: “I don’t think Ive ever slept so well in my life.” There may be more, but I got hot during reading more and my typo finding ability falls with my rising cock. Wish I could find my own typos that easy!

hehehe.....yeah....I tend to write the way I speak...which isnt always correct. I will watch for that in future stories.




I always wondered if women noticed what happens when a man takes off his shorts. The comment on the bounce makes it more real.

“I could see the outline of his hard cock underneath his boxers, and watched it bounce free as he pulled his boxers off and let them hit the floor.”


Good description here, and the explanation of why it is so hot for you helps a lot. Don’t know if I could share my wife this way. I think she would have to ask rather than me start it unless I knew she had this fantasy. You are lucky he let you live out desire.

“but the mere fact that it was someone other than my husband doing it to me, as well as my husband being there and WATCHING, that made it hot just the same. “

Since Steve was there it also took away any feeling of guilt that could get in the way of living through all that sexual tension. Sounds like you had a peak experience. Here is a question for you Candi. How would you feel if Steve were licking the sweetness of another woman? Could you let him plough through a young gal and watch as his ass moves in and out with each stroke? This is not a challenge, but have any women here written about sharing their husband the way that Steve shared Candi?
--Waterkemist

Thanks for your comments Waterkemist...and for the record, about 3 years ago hubby and I had a FMF threesome with a good friend of mine. I waited a long time for my turn....but it was definately worth the wait.

 

[waterkemist]

FMF with good friend

That must have been hot. Is she still a good friend? Could you, or did you orgasm with her present? Would you do it again? Is there a story there?
--Waterkemist

 

[Sweet_Candi]

Re: FMF with good friend

That must have been hot. Is she still a good friend? Could you, or did you orgasm with her present? Would you do it again? Is there a story there?
--Waterkemist

Its an experience I am grateful for (like anything new I get to try) and I WOULD do it again....perhaps with someone else. The problem was that hubby got a little too excited and I ended up feeling neglected and hurt. The focus was supposed to be on the two women...and ended up being her and him (or so it seemed to me at the time).

I might write about it...but I think the reader would know that it wasnt a total great experience for me....

I WILL however, use the experience as a basis for another story though.....just not a true one.

After all, sometimes fantasies are even better than real life.