My first submission - feedback appreciated

[LustandLace]

https://www.literotica.com/s/it-began-with-sis-in-laws-panties


Thanks

 

[Blind_Justice]

I'm sorry to say this, but the story is as much a mess as the characters' clothes management.

Your sentence structure is broken. Punctuation happens seemingly by accident and there is no discernible buildup. The main character goes from sniffing panties straight to ejaculation? And who in their right mind puts soiled panties into their drawers?

I'm the wrong audience, admittedly, since I never got the panty-sniffing bug, but your story is no argument to give it a go either.

Here are some things you might try for your next attempt: Read your story out loud. That's the easiest way to notice if your sentences flow well and make sense. If you're unsure still, try and find an editor to help you fix up any grammar and punctuation issues. But most importantly, leave yourself more time. How do you hope to build tension, erotic or otherwise, when you don't go into detail and rush breathlessly through your sex scenes? You didn't mention with a single word the fear of getting caught sniffing the panties or the shivers of arousal your protag gets by rubbing the lacy, soft tissue over his dick - hell, you didn't mention him doing anything but squirt.

Good luck.

 

[hylas_]

I like the setup, secretly leaving "gifts" for each other, and all that. The execution could use some work, though.

Overall, lots of punctuation issues, and sentences that don't flow well. this could be fixed with the help of a beta reader.

"... so I took a pair out sniffed them and came into them." Whoa, whoa, hold your horses. This came (sorry) completely out of nowhere. If you have your POV character climax, maybe spend some more time on it.

"My wife Ingrid who is 38 and do have a good sex life, ..." this entire paragraph should probably be placed earlier in the story. It makes more sense to mention his attraction to his SIL when he first realises that those panties were hers.

The last four paragraphs (intercourse and wrap-up) are way too rushed. It's basically just a list of things they did. I personally would have prefered if they never even had intercourse, and just kept teasing each other. But if you wanna go there, maybe spend more words on fewer acts.

Sorry for the critical feeback, don't let it discourage you! And I hope some of this was useful!

 

[robertreams]

I agree with all the others, but even more so. Your grammar and usage are so abominable as to make your story unreadable. 1.) reread and rewrite the entire thing. 2.) do a "find, remove" for "and" and "that". 3.) find an editor who would be willing to work with you. I volunteer, but with the understanding I would be editor/teacher, because you have a long way to go. It is time you decide whether you are serious about this writing stuff; that you are willing to work hard at it.

 

[Tigersman]

I agree with Robert. Your story was a very hard read. It appeared to have numerous run-on sentences, lack of proper punctuation, wrong starting of sentences, plus evidence that you did not proofread your story. I always advice a writer to print off a hard copy then read the story slowly as this tends to help the author catch most of the errors they made.

I suggest you either find a beta reader or an editor.

 

[KeyCaress]

The story has potential...

Structurally : There are grammar and sentence structure problems, but I am the last person who should criticize that, and others have already stated it.

Stylistically : Show, don't tell.

You could tell the same story without stating distances and time lines, they are just not that interesting.

The first event could have been written as a private masturbation session with the narrator sniffing the panties and then wrapping them around his penis for the sensation till he came. Specifically showing the reader how it smelled, what it felt like, imagining his wife wearing them, feeling the nastiness of the scenario.

Follow that by the act of putting the soiled panties back, or hiding them, or what ever works. Once again allowing the narrator to show the reader how they feel about what they did... did he feel regret? Elation? Embarrassment? Erotic excitement? It was a missed opportunity to let the reader into the narrator's mind.

Follow that up with a night time dialog between the narrator and the wife, the narrator becoming progressively turned on as he (and the reader) becomes aware of the truth. Ultimately this would set up the reader for the eroticism, and give the reader a window into the narrator's mind as he becomes aroused at the thought that he masturbated to his sister-in-law, not his wife. Does his wife notice this arousal? Does that lead to them having sex in a strange bed? Does the narrator imagine his wife is actually is sister-in-law?

End Chapter One and begin Chapter Two with : A couple years later...

That progressively builds up the story and allows the reader to experience what is happening in their imagination as the narrator shows them what is happening.

Try writing another story that expands only on the first four paragraphs. Show the reader how the narrator felt, give the reader imagery to the eroticism, and let the reader construct why the scenario is arousing in their own mind.

 

[Wifetheif]

The story has potential...

Structurally : There are grammar and sentence structure problems, but I am the last person who should criticize that, and others have already stated it.

Stylistically : Show, don't tell.

You could tell the same story without stating distances and time lines, they are just not that interesting.

The first event could have been written as a private masturbation session with the narrator sniffing the panties and then wrapping them around his penis for the sensation till he came. Specifically showing the reader how it smelled, what it felt like, imagining his wife wearing them, feeling the nastiness of the scenario.

Follow that by the act of putting the soiled panties back, or hiding them, or what ever works. Once again allowing the narrator to show the reader how they feel about what they did... did he feel regret? Elation? Embarrassment? Erotic excitement? It was a missed opportunity to let the reader into the narrator's mind.

Follow that up with a night time dialog between the narrator and the wife, the narrator becoming progressively turned on as he (and the reader) becomes aware of the truth. Ultimately this would set up the reader for the eroticism, and give the reader a window into the narrator's mind as he becomes aroused at the thought that he masturbated to his sister-in-law, not his wife. Does his wife notice this arousal? Does that lead to them having sex in a strange bed? Does the narrator imagine his wife is actually is sister-in-law?

End Chapter One and begin Chapter Two with : A couple years later...

That progressively builds up the story and allows the reader to experience what is happening in their imagination as the narrator shows them what is happening.

Try writing another story that expands only on the first four paragraphs. Show the reader how the narrator felt, give the reader imagery to the eroticism, and let the reader construct why the scenario is arousing in their own mind.

This reads as though it was written by someone to whom English is not their first language. I unconsciously read the story with an accent. I've hosted international students. Your narrator sounds just like some of our house guests who stepped right off the boat. I'm PRETTY sure, that was not the effect you were striving for.That said, the idea has some possibilities Run this and your future efforts through an editor or a highly literate friend, and buy "The Elements Of Style"

The story might work better if the sister-in-law's room was still used by her, but she vacated her room to sleep on the couch while you and the wife used her bed during your stay. Her laundry hamper would be filled with fresh panties every day. If one or two of them were to go missing while your wife and her sister were out shopping or, say, a bridal shower ...